Prologue
“What happened last night can never happen again,” I said with my back facing Tyriq.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Everything! Tyriq, we are friends. We’ve been friends for over five years. What we just did is so wrong.” I said gathering my clothes from the floor.
Tyriq sat in disbelief as I got dressed to leave his apartment – a real single man’s paradise. His high-rise condominium was in Raleigh, N.C. For a man, he kept his living quarters immaculate. Floor to ceiling windows, with no blinds or curtains, kept his living space well lit. Financially sound, a maid service frequented his condo twice a week; therefore, nothing was ever out of place, and it always smelled of chamomile and lavender candles.
Tyriq and I attempted intimacy a time or two before, but we never seriously indulged in it. There were a few kisses here and there on drunken nights, and we occasionally flirted with the idea of being a “real” couple, but he was my best friend, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that. Tyriq was the one person that always listened to my problems and gave me unbiased advice – even when I didn’t want it.
“Yo, why are you acting so funny?” he asked, pulling his shirt over his head.
His bare chest bulged with masculinity, and his muscles involuntarily contracted as he lifted his bodacious arms above his head. That minute distraction caused my lady parts to come alive. Damn, he’s fine.
“I’m just a little weirded out Tyriq, but don’t sweat it. I’ll be alright. Just need to get out of here and get my head together.”
Unmoved, Tyriq pulled his boxer briefs up over his well-endowed penis. “I’m not feeling what you’re saying right now, Miya.” He paused and looked at me. “Anyway, are we still on for the movies later?” he asked as he continued getting dressed.
“The movies… boy, no! Why aren’t you bugging out about this?” I asked frantically.
“You were just inside of my vagina…my vagina Tyriq! Why is this not a big life-changing moment for you?” My palms were sweaty. My heart rate sped up. In a matter of hours, my world was turned upside down, and he was asking me about a damn movie. Was I tripping?
Tyriq took notice of my panicked disposition and stopped in his tracks. He walked over to me, grabbed both my trembling hands and caressed them softly beneath his. Sitting me down on the edge of his king-sized Saatva plush mattress, he spoke with gentle words.
“Miya, I’ve loved you from the moment we met years ago. Sex with you is a plus, but my attraction to you goes far beyond the flesh. I admire everything about you.” He touched the side of my face.
Against his cupped hand, I rubbed my cheek and felt safe. I knew Tyriq’s love for me surpassed words.
“Miya,” he continued, “we’ve known each other far too long to be acting like this. Do you know how many nights I’ve dreamt of being inside of you? The thought of feeling your warmth…your wetness…well…there are no worthy words. Last night was supposed to have been our moment, the moment I had been waiting and praying for. Now that it’s happened, you’re treating it like we did something wrong. I’m sorry, but I feel some type of way about that.” Tyriq lowered his hand from my cheek and stood.
With eyes to the floor, he stepped away from me. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy having sex with him, but beyond Tyriq’s physical physique, were unfavorable characteristics that I wasn’t interested in perfecting. I was fed up with the inconsistency of others. Teaching people how to be with me – relationship-wise was not at the top of my priority list. However, the human flesh is quite weak – it wants what it wants. Unfortunately, for me, I had fallen victim to the flesh. In a moment of horny selfishness, I allowed my body to indulge in its cravings. I only hoped that I didn’t ruin a great friendship.
How Tyriq felt about me was no secret. I’d known of my friend’s intentions for us for years. As kind of a guy as Tyriq was, I didn’t want a relationship with him. Hell, I didn’t know if I’d ever want anything more than what we already had. Cognizant of how Tyriq felt about me, in hindsight, we should’ve never crossed that line.
Not wanting to cheapen our experience any further, I chose my next set of words carefully, “Tyriq, as beautiful as this was for me, it’s still a lot to process. Crossing that threshold from friendship to – well – beyond friendship, isn’t something I take lightly. I’m going to need some time to gather my thoughts. Can you give me that?” I stood and hugged my guy around his slim waist.
With his arms resting on top of mine, he shrugged his broad shoulders and said, “take all the time you need baby girl. I waited years…I can wait a lil’ longer.”
Tyriq patted my arms, signaling for me to release my hold of him, then he walked into the bathroom. Behind closed doors, I could hear him relieving himself in the commode. Truthfully, I loved that man, but I could be so self-absorbed at times – a portion of my personality I loathed. History wouldn’t allow me to walk away from him, nor he from me. Our relationship was complicated, so I knew we’d have to circle back and revisit that night.
Chapter One
A Few Years Prior…
“Are you home yet?” Anise, my best friend, asked.
“Damn, what you the po po’s?” I joked around with her.
“Naw, bitch, I’m just hyped about tonight. There are going to be some class acts at the charity dinner, and you know I’m looking for a baby daddy.”
“Girl, shut up. You don’t have any kids.”
“And I never will… unless I find me a baby daddy.” She laughed.
“You so silly. Whatever happened to finding a husband first?” I asked, laughing at my friends’ backward ass priorities.
“Honey, these eggs are on a time limit. I am in my mid-twenties. I need to procreate before I’m too old to do so.” She exaggerated like she always did.
“Whatever. Look, I just pulled up to my apartment. I should be ready around 7:30. You need me to pick you up or are you driving?”
“Um…you’re picking me up, ma’am. Shit, all the liquor, and food you can handle. I plan to go in on these uppity ass folks dime tonight.”
“Aight. I’ll see you around 8:00, and your ass better be ready. I’m not your personal chauffeur, meaning, I won’t be sitting around waiting.” I warned, knowing how lengthy Anise could be when it came to getting dressed.
We hung up, and I took the elevator up to the third floor where my apartment was located. Working my mental overtime, I strategically pieced together the perfect ensemble for the charity dinner on my ride up. Anise was right about one thing, the selection of men that were going to be in attendance, was the kind of men you wanted to take home to meet your momma.
Being single was cool, but I had needs. I had grown bored with coming home to an empty apartment every night. I hadn’t been actively dating because I was still healing from a closed chapter in my life. My ex-girlfriend hadn’t made that easy for me.
____________________________________#___________________________________
Me and Deidra’s relationship came to a demise a year ago. We had dated for five years, and I had outgrown her. It came to a point where it seemed like we both wanted different things out of life and were being pulled in opposite directions. We met when we were 22 years old. Yes, it was fun to party at that age, but as years went on, I needed more, and she should’ve too. Deidra partied Thursday through Sunday on a weekly basis; I was moving towards my future by working, and attending college, Monday through Sunday.
I had a decent paying job. I went to school in the evenings and worked during the day. Deidra labored in the afternoon, second shift, and was always ready to hit the bar on any given day of the week. Most times, she would just shoot me a text letting me know she would be home late. After a while, I no longer waited up for her. I knew her routine, but I had my own.
During my senior year in college, I took a step back to re-evaluate my life. Deidra was still at the same call center where she’d been working for the past four years; she seemed content with $14.00 an hour. Although I earned more money than her, to me, my check was mediocre. All my life, I talked about the day I would leave my hometown and explore the world. Nothing had changed about that. I was determined to make it out of Burlington, N.C., by any means necessary.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved the city I was born and raised in, but I knew there was a bigger world out there – a world full of opportunities. My ambition was to get full on life and plant my seed in various parts of the world. Complacency was dangerous. Too many people I grew up with had already fallen victim to the cycle. They were comfortable with their surroundings, their jobs, their lives, and relationships. Most gave way to their aspirations. I was bred differently. I refused to give up on what I wanted most – my own business in a big city. It was my obsession, and I was prepared to go at it alone if need be.
The day I chose to end my relationship with Deidra was an impromptu reaction – made from sheer frustration. Deidra had come home after a night of drinking, and I was disgusted. I had been cramming for finals all night, and she walked in obnoxiously loud, and belligerent.
“Hey baby,” she roared in our quiet apartment.
“Lower your voice,” I said disgustingly.
“Whatcha doing?” she smelled like a brewery.
“Studying, something you don’t know nothing about.” I barked.
“You are always damn studying. You never have time for me ole’ studious one.” She said haughtily.
“Well, someone has to get an education around here. We can’t all drink our lives away.” I snapped, closing my book.
“Babe, see that’s why I love you. You’re always thinking of our future. Come here. I’ve missed you all day. Can I get a kiss?” She whined like a spoiled child.
Looking at her, I had to think carefully about whether to go to her. Deidra tended to get very horny when she drank, and I wasn’t in the mood for drunken sex. I was tired and needed to get some rest before work in the morning. It was already after two in the morning.
“No, why don’t you go take a shower and lay down,” I suggested.
“OK, but will you at least take a shower with me before sending me to bed?” she bargained.
After careful consideration, “Yeah, I’ll join you, but I need to get some rest tonight Deidra.” I emphasized.
I needed her to understand that there would be no hanky panky going on…shower…bed, and that’s it.
With a sly smile on her face, she lied, “of course, sleep… I got you. Come on; I’ll run the shower for us.”
Without haste, Deidra disappeared into the bedroom. Seconds later, I heard the shower come on. “No hanky panky,” I coached myself. It had been a few weeks since we’d had sex due to finals, and I knew that if I was sexually frustrated and backed up, so was she. A person could only masturbate so many times before they craved the real thing – we were no exception. I desperately wanted to feel my girl’s bosom pressed against mine. I missed her touch and wanted to feel her wetness glide over mine. My mouth longed to taste the pleasures of her loins, but I also needed to take care of business. I knew Deidra was going to try me no matter what I said; I only hoped that I was strong enough to resist her attempts.
“Come on babe, the shower’s ready.” She sang from the bathroom.
“OK, I’m coming hun. Let me shut down the computer.”
Turning my laptop off, I placed all my school work into my rolling bag so that I wouldn’t forget anything the next day. I put away all the dishes that haunted me for the past five hours and cut off all the living room lights. In the microwave, I removed a dinner plate that I had prepared for Deidra earlier. I knew she wasn’t going to bother to eat it, so I wrapped it up and set it in the refrigerator. Sometimes, I felt just like a housewife…but without the stay at home benefits.
Undressing, I walked towards the bathroom. Deidra was busy singing Jasmine Sullivan’s song, “Let it Burn” on Pandora. My baby was an exceptional singer. I often wished that she would explore her talent more, instead of wasting it on singing in the shower and karaoke.
“It’s about time.” She said as I walked through the bathroom door.
“Chile, you weren’t worried about me. You had you a one-woman show all by yourself.” I joked going up to her for a hug. “You brushed your teeth yet?” I asked, wanting a kiss without the stench of alcohol and weed on her breath.
“Yes, I did. May I have some love now?” she asked holding me close.
“Yes, honey you may.” I leaned in to kiss her.
Deidra’s lips pressed against mine were a welcomed, overdue indulgence. So soft and moist, my nipples hardened at their touch.
“Would you mind washing my back?” Deidra asked as if she had to.
“Of course. Turn around.” I instructed.
As I soaped and washed Deidra’s body, I grew fascinated with the small of her back. I had a thing about asses and Deidra’s ass always sat up nicely whether she was clothed or not. Purposely, I opened my hand and allowed the soap to slip out onto the shower floor. Innately, I knew that Deidra would bend over and pick it up and I waited enthusiastically. Hungry for it, I watched as her front went forward and down, and her ass lifted and spread. Aroused, and with very slippery fingers, I slid my hand past her butt, toward her snatch, in search of her clit. Found cha, I thought to myself as I moved my hand back and forth teasing the shit out of her growing clit. She liked it, as she began to moan and backed into me.
“You like that baby?” I teased.
“H-e-ll yeah,” she moaned.
“You want me to stop?” I asked knowing better.
“No-no...please don’t stop.” She begged.
With my clit swollen to the pleasurable point of pain, I used my index and ring fingers to spread her lips apart while my middle finger delved gently inside of her warm lady hole. She moaned upon entrance. Her pussy was so wet and tight, I almost peaked prematurely, but I fought against it.
Pushing her ass back on my middle finger, was her body’s way of telling me that she needed more, and that’s when I inserted one more finger. “Yes, baby,” she cried.
Excited, I gripped her by the waist, pulling her harder into me. Her ass bounced as it made contact with the front of my thighs. Watching it jiggle made my pussy thump harder. I knew Deidra was approaching her peak by the way her back arched, and her body stiffened. I wanted nothing more than to taste the juices of her nectar, but the warm water was selfishly washing it away.
“Oh baby, I’m about to cum.” She warned me.
“Okay baby.” I consented.
As she came, I thrust harder, and her pussy walls locked around my fingers. In the aftermath of her recent liberation, she regained her composure and turned to kiss me. The water from the shower head streamed down her face, making her look like she just went for a swim. Surprisingly, Deidra didn’t mind ruining her new Bob hairstyle. I guess some things were more important than a hairdo.
“Your turn,” she whispered in my ear with wet lips, as she kissed my earlobe.
__________________________________#_____________________________________
Lying on the bed, exhausted from current events, I asked Deidra what she had planned to do with her life. The response I got both shocked and frightened me at the same damn time. Sadly, she had no real plans. She was content where she was. That concept didn’t sit well with me at all. I, myself, had too many aspirations and couldn’t risk not fulfilling them due to my relationship. I guess what they say is true, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” I knew then that I was going to have to end things with my lover, my best friend, and my confidant.
So, the next day, I called Deidra during my lunch break to see if she’d be able to meet me for drinks. We needed to talk, and what I needed to say to her was weighing heavy on my heart.
“Hey baby,” Deidra answered.
“Hi honey, are you busy?” I asked.
“No, just waking up. I was about to hop in the shower. Wassup?” she asked.
“Nothing, I was wondering if you would be able to meet me for drinks when I get off this evening.”
“Umm, sure, but what’s up? Something wrong?” she inquired.
Hesitant, I responded, “Yeah, we need to talk.”
There was dead silence before she finally said, “Miya, what’s going on? You know I don’t do surprises. Should I be worried?” she pried.
“Baby, let’s talk later. I have to get back to work.” I said, looking at the time on my phone.
Frustrated, she said, “OK. Whatever. Guess I’ll see you later. Where you want to meet?” she asked before we hung up.
“Let’s meet at Mamie’s Seafood and Grill. Is that cool?” I asked.
“Yes, that’s fine. I love Mamie’s happy hour specials anyway.” She said.
“OK. Well, I’ll see you in a few hours. I should be there at 6:00.”
We hung up the phone, and I knew her wheels were turning. Deidra did not like being left in the dark about anything. She was one of those people who feared the unknown, so I knew that on the inside, she was falling apart. Part of me hated that I told her that we needed to talk, but it was eating at my soul. I didn’t want to lead her on any further.
With five hours left until we met for drinks, throughout the day, I recited what I was going to say over and over again until it flowed out naturally. In between patients I would slip into the bathroom and go over my spill in the mirror. I needed to make sure that my facial expressions were in sync with what I was saying because I was infamous for wearing my actual feelings on my face. Although I planned to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, my delivery had to be tasteful and delicate. The last thing I wanted to do was, be brutal to the woman I loved. Damn, why couldn’t she want more for herself and us? I thought to myself.
“Hey chick, why you look so down?” my co-worker, Tonya, asked me when I returned to the ER floor.
“It’s nothing girl. Relationship issues that’s all.” I kept my reply brief.
“OK, I’m here if you want to talk.” She offered.
“OK, thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” I lied.
Tonya walked away, and I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why people who blatantly knew that I wouldn’t tell them shit, would ask my business anyway. One thing I had learned from primarily working with women was, keep your business your business. The amount of information I knew streaming from doctors to co-workers was shameful. And the fact that I never once had a conversation with many of them made it even worse. I knew their private business firsthand, yet I didn’t know them well at all. But that’s what happens when you put a group of women together for eight or more hours a day; they begin to swap life stories. Often, I wished that I had worked within a more diverse setting. An even mixture of men and women employees could balance the energy levels within the workplace. Personally, I strongly believed that co-ed staffing would minimize workplace drama, and break the monotony of stupid, heterosexual stories about dinner, kids, finances and broken marriages.
____________________________________#___________________________________
By 5:30, my day had been long, and I was happy it was finally over. Deidra was expecting me at Mamie’s, and I had to admit I was nervous. The conversation that was about to take place was not one of a pleasant nature. However, I put my big girl panties on as I pulled into the parking lot of Mamie’s Seafood and Grill. Here goes, I thought.
“How many?” the hostess asked me when I walked in the door.
“My parties already here,” I responded, looking around for Deidra.
In the distance, I saw a hand go up in the air and wave me over. I thanked the hostess and walked over to the table in the corner that faced the semi-busy streets of downtown Burlington.
“Hey honey,” Deidra rose from her seat to greet me, “how was your day?”
“Hey…it was long and exhausting,” I said uncomfortably.
“So what is it that you want to talk about?” she got right to the point.
“Damn, can’t we order something to drink first?” I asked, needing something to calm my erratic nerves.
“No, I’m good, but you go ahead and order you something if you need it.”
The seriousness on Deidra’s face expressed to me that she was in a no-nonsense kind of mood, which frightened me a little. Deidra has always had a bad temper, and I hated when she got upset. Not that she would hit me or anything, but she could be destructive. Quickly, I glanced around the restaurant to make sure that the damage, if any, would be minimal.
“Would you ladies care to order a drink to start you off?” the sexy young server asked us.
“Um-yes, I’d like a Jack and Coke please,” I said.
“Water for me,” Deidra said. “So, do I have to wait on inebriation to find out why we’re here and not at home?” she said turning her focus from the server to me.
“That would be nice, but no.” I said, swallowing hard, “Deidra, I have been doing some thinking and based on our conversation last night, I think you and I are on two different growth paths.”
“What are you talking about Miya?” she asked confused.
“I mean, I am busting my ass to finish school while holding down a full-time, demanding job, and you seem content with just being a call center rep. Deidra, I plan to graduate and move on to bigger and better things, and I need someone striving for greatness right by my side.”
“So what are you saying, Miya? Just say it. I don’t have time for the prefaced dramatics.” She said sternly.
“Here are your drinks ladies. Anything else?” the server asked, placing our drinks on the table.
“No, I’m good,” I said.
“On second thought, let me have a double shot of Cuervo.”
I looked at her oddly.
“What, I’m entitled to change my mind. Go ahead, you were saying.” Deidra looked agitated with me.
Shaking my head, I continued, “Well, I won’t sugar coat it any longer. Deidra, I think it’s time we take a break from one another. I am in my last year of college, and once I’m done, I plan to leave Burlington in pursuit of something greater.”
“So, by break, you mean breakup right?” she asked for clarity.
Hesitant, “yes.” I confirmed my intention.
“Thank you,” Deidra said to the server, as she handed her her liquid double trouble. Taking it the head, she said, “So after five years, you just arbitrarily decide that you’ve had enough huh? Is that how it goes?” she asked defensively.
“Deidra, you know it’s not like that. The prospect of ending things has been brewing for some time now. All you seem to want to do is the minimum in life. We’re 27 years old and haven’t improved in vital areas of our lives yet. I mean, I am trying, which is why I’m in school getting my degree in social work. I will be a licensed counselor with a thriving practice in the very near future. What do you plan to do? From what you said the other night, you are content with your life just the way it is. And unfortunately, that’s not enough for me. I need someone to grow with – not be stagnant with.”
Gazing outward to the streets, she people watched for a few seconds. Her eyes grew glossy as she fought back tears. Everything in me wanted to reach over and hug her. I wanted to tell her that we would be OK, but that was a lie. I loved her with all my heart, but I loved my self infinitely.
“So I guess this is it then.” She said turning to face me.
Unable to look into her wet eyes, “I think it’s best. Yes.” My heart broke as the words escaped my lips. “You don’t have to make any drastic moves now. Our lease doesn’t expire for three more months. In the meantime, I will be looking for somewhere to stay until I move out of Burlington, and you should do the same. You don’t have to move out now or anything. I was hoping that we could co-exist together for the next 90 days.”
“Yeah, you would.” Upset, Deidra stood up, threw $20.00 on the table to pay for her drink, and then left me sitting alone with my thoughts.
My first instinct was to go after her, but I knew she needed time. The fact that she hadn’t thrown or broken anything was a plus. I’d take that any day. Knowing that home was not a good choice at the moment, I stayed at Mamie’s a while longer and ordered dinner. My stomach was in knots. I knew I wouldn’t eat much, but I had to try. I ordered a chicken salad and another drink. In time, I’d go home, and I only hoped that she wouldn’t be there. I expected that she’d need some time to reflect, and so did I.
