Chapter 1
Ben Boomer, pay attention!” I jumped up and tumbled out of my desk. My classmates burst out laughing like deranged hyenas. Ms. Wolf towered over me and placed her hands on her wide hips. “Mr. Boomer, I would like to know why you keep dozing off in my class.” “I wasn’t dozing off. I closed my eyes so I could… uh… concentrate on your fascinating lecture.” “Oh really?” Ms. Wolf snarled as her red lips curled into an evil smirk. “If that’s the case, what was I talking about?” I looked over at my friend Starr and mouthed ‘Help!’ Starr held up a $1 bill and pointed at it. At first I didn’t get it, but then I remembered Ms. Wolf was always complaining about her crummy salary. “That’s easy. We were talking about how you don’t get paid enough to put up with us hoodlums.” Ms. Wolf scowled. “While I am severely underpaid, we were not discussing my financial woes.” Ms. Wolf whipped out a $1 bill and pointed at George Washington. “Ms. Donovan was trying to tell you we were talking about our first president.” Unable to stop myself, I blurted out, “Thanks for showing us your paycheck.” My classmates continued cackling as Ms. Wolf gnashed her crooked teeth. I glanced over at my brother Mikey, who was passed out on his desk. I really hated throwing him to the wolves (no pun intended), but I was in enough trouble. I had only been in middle school for two months and I had already served a month’s worth of detention. Mikey only served three weeks. Another day wouldn’t kill him. I pointed at my slobbering brother. “I’m not the only kid you put to sleep.” Ms. Wolf rolled her eyes. “I have lost all hope for your brother. I held him back once already, and I’ll probably have to do so again.” My friend Kyle kicked the back of Mikey’s chair. Mikey mumbled, “I don’t wanna go to school, Mommy. I hate Ms. Wolf. She’s ugly, smelly, stupid…” Kyle smacked Mikey upside the back of his head. Mikey jumped up and stared at Ms. Wolf in horror. Ms. Wolf towered over Mikey like a viper about to devour a mouse. As sweat poured down his chubby face, Mikey said, “You look nice today, Ms. Wolf. And you smell good. And you look smarter, too. Did you just get your Ph.D?” Ms. Wolf leaned in so close that her frizzy hair fell on top of Mikey’s head. “DETENTION!” she shrieked. Ms. Wolf pointed at me and shouted, “You too, Mr. Boomer!” I groaned and climbed back into my chair. Ms. Wolf marched back and forth in front of the chalkboard. “I am tired of you hoodlums disrespecting me. I bust my butt trying to fill your empty brains with knowledge, and you repay me by drooling all over your desks.” Susie Ling, the hottest girl in school, raised her hand and said, “Ms. Wolf, surely you’re not talking about everyone. I was paying attention.” All the girls mumbled that they, too, had been listening. Ms. Wolf’s scowl disappeared as she made her way over to Susie’s desk. “Of course I wasn’t talking about you, dear. I wasn’t talking about any of you lovely girls.” Ms. Wolf gave me a dirty look. “I was talking about your disrespectful male peers.” All the guys threw their hands in the air. For some reason Ms. Wolf hated boys. Sure, sometimes we did immature things, like flick boogers at the chalkboard and fart in the middle of lectures. But the girls were always texting each other, and Ms. Wolf never said a word. There was definitely a double standard. Ms. Wolf stormed back over to my desk. “Why are you always so tired, Mr. Boomer? Don’t your parents make sure you get to bed at a decent hour?” Terrence Grand, the most popular kid in school (and my arch-enemy), said, “Ben and Mikey were on TV until 11:00 last night, Ms. Wolf. That’s probably why they fell asleep during your riveting lecture on Franklin Roosevelt.” “We were talking about George Washington,” Ms. Wolf snapped. She turned back to me and asked, “You were on TV? I’m impressed. Tell me more.” I couldn’t believe it. For the first time since I arrived at Pleasant Creek Middle School, Ms. Wolf was interested in me. Talking 100 miles an hour, I told Ms. Wolf all about my pro-wrestling family. I explained how my mom, dad, and granny worked for X-Treme Bodyslam Wrestling (XBW for short). I talked about how my dad, Hairball, was the XBW heavyweight champion, and my mom, Psycho Momma, was the women’s champion. I described how my granny, ‘Hot Flash’ Granny, was the only 67-year old in Chicago who could do a somersault off the top turnbuckle. And I told Ms. Wolf how Mikey and I helped the XBW owner, Creed Benjamin, run his company website. Struggling to keep up, Ms. Wolf asked, “Why can’t the owner run his own website?” “Cause Creed is a douchebag,” Mikey blurted out, laughing obnoxiously. “He thinks Atari is still the best video game system on the market.” My classmates looked confused. I guess they never heard of Atari. The only reason Mikey and I knew about it was because our dad still played it, usually with our granny. Ms. Wolf frowned. “But what does any of this have to do with you being on TV?” “Creed pays us with free front row tickets,” I replied. “That’s why Mikey and I are so tired. We’re always at wrestling shows. And the best part is, we get to be on TV!” Ms. Wolf no longer seemed impressed. I gulped and asked, “So are you still giving us detention?” “Yes!” snarled Ms. Wolf. “I hate wrestling!” I put my head on my desk and moaned as my classmates continued howling like wild animals.
