No.
Ivy
I should have said no.
That’s what I think while I tug at my hoodie - too warm for inside, too thick for a party where everyone else glitters and glows.
But I keep it on anyway.
The sleeves reach over my hands. Like a barrier.
I should have said no.
To Vi. To this party.
But I can’t say no.
Never could. Not after everything I’ve done to her.
The ignored calls. The months when I didn’t talk, didn’t answer any of her questions.
Because the answers would destroy everything. More than my silence.
I reach for a cup. The alcohol burns in my throat.
Good.
To forget, to numb. So I don’t have to be myself tonight.
Two hours later everything’s blurred.
The music too loud. The lights too bright.
I reach for my cup. Empty. Again.
When did that happen?
Sweetness sticks to the roof of my mouth. My head is full of fog. Dense, gray swaths that make the world around me softer. More bearable.
Good. That’s exactly what I wanted.
“Ivy, come!”
Vi’s voice cuts through the noise, her hand wraps around my wrist.
I flinch. It happens automatically, I can’t prevent it.
She doesn’t notice, just pulls me along. Through bodies. Too many. Too tight.
I concentrate on her back, her hand.
Cold. Narrow. Vi.
Safe. Vi is safe.
We stop.
In the kitchen?
Vi lets me go.
Her gaze goes... somewhere. I follow it, blink. But the image won’t come into focus.
A broad back. A blonde girl behind it.
“Do you see that?”
Vi’s voice sounds strange. Too shrill. Too high.
“Seriously? With HER?”
I keep staring there. But... don’t understand.
What am I supposed to see?
The thoughts slip away. Like soap. Just away.
“That... that’s...” Senseless stammering.
Vi’s eyes settle on me. Hard, somehow.
“God, Ivy.”
Something in her voice sounds... hurt? Angry?
I try to understand. But...
“You can barely stand.”
I look at my feet. They’re there, under me, I see them. But they feel far away.
“How many of these did you have?”
She takes the glass from my hand. I stare at my fingers. They’re still gripping. That’s... funny somehow.
“How many?”
Too many. Or not enough? I don’t remember anymore.
I shrug.
“Not many... Two? Three?”
Vi rolls her eyes. Then she looks away again, toward the kitchen.
To... the back?
“Coke?”
I nod.
“Sit there.”
She pushes me backwards, I stumble, bump into something. A sofa. Brown cool leather.
I sink down, like a marionette whose strings have been cut.
“Wait here.”
And then she’s gone.
Again.
The floor moves, like choppy water.
I close my eyes. A mistake. It gets worse. Everything spins.
“Hey, you okay?”
A voice above me. Deep. Not Vi.
I blink, look up. Slowly.
A face. Blurry, but familiar. Light hair.
Jax?
My stomach contracts.
He crouches down. Close. Too close.
His eyes, they look, search. Intense. Too...
“Water?”
His hand on mine.
Warm. Too warm.
My skin tingles.
Pull your hand away!
But I can’t.
My mouth opens. But nothing comes out.
My throat is too tight. My tongue too heavy.
“No...”
The words. Finally. But too late.
“Vi... is getting Coke.”
Jax smiles. But his hand, it stays. On my skin.
And that’s all I feel. Just that.
This hand.
That I don’t want.
That I can’t stop.
“Here.”
A glass in front of my face. Coke.
Vi is back.
Her gaze darts briefly between Jax and me. Back and forth.
Does she see his hand?
Her eyes. There’s something. Just briefly. Then it’s gone again.
She laughs loud, talks with him. Above me.
I understand nothing, just look at the glass in my hand. The bubbles that rise up and then pop.
Like my thoughts.
“Drink.”
Jax’s voice.
And I drink.
Cold liquid tingles in my throat.
But it doesn’t help.
The air gets less, something crawls up.
Cold. Sticky.
“I... air. Need... air.”
I stand up, try to. But the world tilts.
I fall back on the sofa. To Jax. His hand, his arm. My arm. Everything too close.
“Hey, slow down...”
No.
No no no!
Vi stands next to me, something flickers in her eyes.
Her lips open. But then - a voice. Male. From the kitchen.
It calls her name and Vi turns around, leaves.
Out! I have to get out of here!
The voice in me screams, loud and piercing.
And this time it works, I get up.
Jax says something, but I don’t listen. Someone pushes between us, separates us.
And I go, stumble, through people, heat, laughter.
To the patio door.
Out.
Air.
Finally.
Cold. Clear. Good.
I breathe, gasp for air. Like a drowning person back at the surface.
I feel sick. My heart races.
But I keep going. Away from... everything.
From...
BANG!
Pain.
Sharp. Real.
It shoots through my shin.
“Fuck!”
The fog in my head tears open. For a moment.
Because pain is real.
Everything else... not.
