Chapter 1 - "I'm Just a Kid"
Chapter 1
“I’m Just a Kid”
I sat on the edge of the bench during break, making myself as small as possible—the way I preferred it. While the air was filled with the bright, jagged screams of children playing, I stayed anchored to the ground, staring at my scuffed shoes. It was a habit born from years of navigating minefields at home; if I kept my eyes down, maybe the world wouldn’t notice the cracks in my soul. I am 7, yet feel 17.
I was only seven, yet the air in my lungs felt heavy, like I was breathing in the burdens and fears of someone ten years older. The bench was biting cold against my legs, a numbing sensation I’d grown to welcome—it was at least a feeling I could understand. I watched the other kids run past, their laughter sounding like a language I didn’t know how to speak. They waved, they smiled, they knew the girl who smiled back. But did they know the girl who was currently drowning in the silence? I don’t think so.
My sister had died when I was young, roughly 5 years ago she had breathed her last breath after a fight with an illness had claimed her life. My mum blames my father, my father blames my mother. And me? I blame them both. If my father had just taken her to the doctors sooner, or if my mother hadn’t insisted on saving money then she would…
“Hey Ai!”, a voice said cutting through my thoughts.
Instantly, I replaced my tear ridden face with one that had a wide cheerful smile, a facade that fooled everyone.
“Hey Hikaru!” I said, my voice bright. I didn’t let my thoughts betray me, even as they whirled with things like, Leave me alone, I’m not good enough, and I don’t deserve you. Everything about him was perfect; from his looks to his personality, I just couldn’t seem to find a single flaw. It was something I would later come to regret.
He had been my friend for an awfully long time, since we were 2 we would play together, and since then our friendship had only been deepening. I considered him the sibling that I had lost in death.
“How’ve you been Ai? I haven’t seen you in ages!”, was the second thing he said to me.
“I’m always the same,“, I say cheerfully, I cant let him see what I am truly like. No one can.
“You wanna have a game of hide and seek?” He says with his signature grin of mischief. I momentarily forget what I was working about, my thoughts instantly going to him.
“Always” I say with a wide smile.
We spent the break playing, hiding everywhere. Even in the vegetable patches much to the Janitors displeasure. But after one look from me his displeasure simply melted away, I’m not sure how. Then again, I had always had that effect. During class, we sat with each other bickering over who could use the pink crayon, like normal he used his charm against me and won.
“Not fair,” I huffed crossing my arms, “You always do puppy dog eyes on me and you know I can’t resist them!”
He looks at me, his eyes glinting with mischief as he said, “You know you can’t resist my charm”, while he colours in with the crayon.
I huff and poke him in the rib, causing him to jump in the air and drop the crayon as the teacher glares at him. I manage to suppress the multiple giggles attempting to slip out as he squirms under the pressure.
“You deserved it,” I whispered to him with a satisfied smile. He poked his tongue out at me, and I resisted the urge to do it back.
“Ms. Hoshino, Mr. Kamiki, is there something you’d like to share with the class?” the teacher asked sternly.
Despite being a primary teacher, she seemed like a better fit for high school, always going on about “the good old ways.” If they were so good, I wondered, then why aren’t they practiced anymore? She continued glaring at me; that’s when I realised I hadn’t replied.
“No, Ms.,” I said.
She muttered something and looked away, but she continued to sneak glances at the two of us throughout the lesson.
“You’d think she saw us trying to rob a bank”, Hikaru whispers to me. I attempt to stifle a laugh as I nod in agreement and whisper back, “With the way she is you’d think everything is that bad!”
We remained silent for the rest of the lesson, not wanting to attract any more attention, though we still sneaked glances at each other. When the teacher finally dismissed us at the end of the day, I scanned the lot for my mother’s car, only to find it was nowhere to be seen.
“She’s probably just late again,” I muttered to myself, a desperate attempt at comfort. But in reality, I was wondering if my biggest fear had finally come true...
...If she had abandoned me.
Minutes began to drag into tens of minutes. As I stood there, eventually it began to rain. I shivered, becoming drenched, but was determined not to disobey my mother. But as the 2nd hour of waiting arrived, I walked off towards home. As I walked, thoughts of how I should have been a better daughter, I should have done more, I shouldn’t have been so selfish circled in my head. I attempted to shoot each one down with a positive thought. But negativity won; it always wins in the end.
Puddles began to pool around me as I walked, the sun began to set and workers began to leave the buildings around me, returning home to a loving family.
If only I had a loving family to return to…
… If only I knew what love truly was.
The coldness of night began to descend upon the city, as well as darkness that seemed to swallow everything and everyone around me. My breathing began to quicken as even the path in front of me plunged into darkness. Darkness so deep it felt as if it was eating away at me, trying to claim me.
The lights of the chaotic city began to recede from behind me, the familiar scents of trees and life surrounded me. Instead of the sound of road under my feet, there was a sound of grass. It soothed my mind and helped me to clarify my thoughts. I continued walking, the familiar sight of my house looming in front of me.
I walked inside and instantly noticed that something was wrong. The tables, the chairs, they were flipped and overturned. I searched every available nook and cranny looking for my mother. That night I sobbed until I simply couldn’t anymore. My mother was never perfect, but she was family. And now? Now she’s gone. I stand up wiping my eyes with my sleeves. How could a day that started off well end so… so badly?
I sat on a chair and put my head on the table, sobbing silently.
Alone, with only my thoughts. My mother, my life, gone. Why does this have to happen to me? Why not someone else? I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. Someone else should suffer for once, not just me! My life has been nothing but downhill, alone, almost friendless and now motherless… Life is pointless. But at least I have Hikaru, he makes everything better. I picked up the knife and glance at it. One simple move and I could end it all. But, is that truly what I want to do with my life? No, I couldn’t just waste a gift, even if it’s garbage, the gift of life is priceless.
I have to be strong for Hikaru Kamiki, he would be distraught if I died. I just know he will. I sat down, crushed by grief as tears dripped down my face.
But realistically, what could I do? I had little left to live for,, no mother, no friends, no nothing. I slam the table with my tiny fist, doing more damage to myself then to it. I didn’t care. My pain was great anyway. It cannot get any worse then it already was.
Then, a brochure fluttered down and landed in front of me. I looked up, momentarily forgetting my pain as I stared at the colourful cover. The words “See Your Favorite Idol, Fakusha Nao” hit me right between the eyes.
Of course! My mum had wanted to go to that concert. I thought bitterly about my own stupidity—why couldn’t I be smart like Hikaru? Then again, no one was as nice or as perfect as him.
I packed my bags—not that I had much to take—and ran toward the concert hall. I wove through the city like a shadow, dodging cars and darting across tracks, barely noticing the screech of tires or the blare of horns. My own safety didn’t matter; I just needed to find her. I just needed to see my mother.
I saw the security guards. Shoot, they’ll stop me! I don’t even have a ticket. > Then I spotted someone who looked influential, and a plan immediately formed in my mind. I walked toward him, making sure to look extra pitiful as I looked up.
“Mr.,” I stammered, my voice trembling perfectly. “My father works here, but the security won’t let me in! Please, you have to help me!”
I lied, knowing full well my father was dead. But he didn’t know that, and he wasn’t going to find out.I noticed the flicker of doubt in his eyes. He didn’t buy it—I could tell in an instant. Immediately, I adjusted. More tears streamed down my face as I pretended, perfectly, to have a total breakdown. I sobbed with a desperate intensity, knowing full well that guilt would be the thing to make him cave.
“Mister? Surely you wouldn’t leave a seven-year-old girl alone,” I said, my voice dripping with pathetic desperation. “What if something happens to me? What if I get kidnapped? Surely you wouldn’t want that on your conscience!”
That did it. He grabbed my hand and led me inside. I let out a smile—one completely devoid of emotion—as I realized how simple it was to get what I wanted by lying. Perhaps I did have a valuable skill, after all. I would have to make sure I kept using it.
As soon as he looked away, I slipped out of his grip and vanished into the crowd. He had already served his purpose; there was no use in having him follow me. It would only draw unwanted attention.
The room was a chaos of bright lights and bodies—people partying and dancing in a way that felt like an unnecessary distraction. I was here for my mother, and only her. Nothing else mattered. I searched the crowd, scanning every face, until I saw a familiar silhouette standing near the stage, eyes fixed on the idol.
It was her. My mother.
Of course she had left me. Who would want a pathetic daughter when they could have a world-famous idol instead? They get all the attention. They get love and… wait love. I needed that. I deserved that.
With a new, cold determination, I asked a few pointed questions and navigated my way toward the idol. She was no longer just a singer to me; she was the key. She would be the one to help kick-start my career
My mother notices me, but I shake her off. A meaningless distraction in my goal. When I’m the famous one she will notice me, but I’ll make sure I forget her. Just like she forgot me. When I’m famous everyone will love me and only me. What could be greater then that? Soon it will be all mine, first, I have to actually reach the idol. A smile of bitterness and resentment plasters my face at the thought.
I walk past the security, my small frame allowing me to slip past with ease, and I navigate the mess of wires behind the curtain. Fakusha Nao sits there, applying make up to cover s few insecurities. Perfect, I can— No, will— use that to advantage. Wanting to ask only 3 questions, How she became an idol, How to be an idol, and the best way to idol.
“Who are you?” she asked, her voice lacks the sparkle it had on stage. “How did you get back here, little girl?”
I didn’t answer right away. I let my lip tremble just enough. I looked at the bruise-like shadows under her eyes that the makeup hadn’t covered yet.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whispered, my voice sounding like a fragile glass bell. “I saw you from the crowd. My mom... she was looking at you like you were the only thing in the world that mattered. I just wanted to know how you did it.”
Nao’s expression softened. The defensive wall she had built up against the world started to crumble. Guilt. Sympathy. I felt it radiating off her.
“Oh, honey... it’s just a job,” she sighed, turning in her chair to face me.
“I don’t think so,” I said, taking a small, hesitant step forward. “I think it’s magic. Please, Nao-san... how did you become an idol? Was it because you were lonely too? Did someone find you and tell you that you wouldn’t have to be a shadow anymore?”
She let out a hollow laugh, reaching out to tuck a stray hair behind my ear. I didn’t flinch, though I wanted to. “I was scouted in a park. I was just a girl who wanted someone to notice her. It’s not magic, kiddo. It’s just luck.”
Luck, I thought bitterly. I don’t believe in luck. I believe in Hikaru, and I believe in the knife I almost used tonight.
“Then show me,” I pleaded, my eyes wide and shimmering with the fake tears I had practiced. “How do I be an idol? If I do exactly what you do—if I wear the clothes and sing the songs—will the world finally stop being so... empty? Will people love me?”
Nao looked away, her gaze falling on the messy vanity table. “It’s about the smile,” she whispered, almost to herself. “Even when your heart is breaking, you smile. You give them the version of you they want to see, not the version that’s real.”
I felt a surge of adrenaline. This was it. The secret. The lie.
“Then what’s the best way?” I asked, leaning in close enough to smell her heavy perfume. “What’s the best way to be an idol? Is it to love them the most? Or is it to make them believe you love them so much that they can’t breathe without you?”
Nao froze. For a second, she looked at me not as a child, but as a mirror. She saw the darkness in me, the hunger. She looked terrified.
I walk up, my childlike innocence replace with a smile and eyes devoid of emotion, and I say in a tone that has a slightly dangerous edge to it, “World be a shame if the world found out their favourite idol had… Flaws?”
The idol gasps, her face pale in shock at being played by a child, I note with satisfaction. I continue, “I am, after all, just a kid! And kids have a way of… spreading information. Would be a shame if I… accidentally… did that, don’t you think?”
“What do you want?” The idol says nervously. I smile cutely, as if I hadn’t just blackmailed her and say, teach me how to be an idol and perhaps I will keep our little secret? Adopt me, and I’ll keep your secret. If you don’t?”, I mime turning off a tv, and say, “Game Over”.
She visibly pales, but nods in agreement realising she doesn’t have a choice anymore. I stand there realising that I’m no longer Ai Hoshino, the Child, but Ai Hoshino, the Idol in Training. Nothing will stop me.
The worlds love shall be mine.
Forever.
