Prologue - Alone
Ellie
Dear diary,
Today marks the continuation of another long-distance stint between Nolan and me. He has so many shows and bookings to commit to, that I’ve lost track of what he is doing and when. I think he has too. Luckily, he has Ciaran, who has practically become his (unofficial) manager as well as his back-up these days. He probably has an official one somewhere.
When he moved to England, I thought we’d have more time to spend together as there would be less commuting time. I think we both thought that. We had some time at the start when he first moved over here, but as soon as recording started about a month later, he was spending so much time writing, rewriting, recording and probably rerecording. It’s been like that for the past four months. I’ve barely seen him and it’s almost like I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.
It seems unfair to say that because of course it takes a lot of work to make an album, and he so deserves this, but it’s like he has forgotten I exist. I never know whether he is coming or going, if I’m ever going to see him or if we will ever get to go out just the two of us again.
Funny, how all I ever wanted as a fan was for him to make it big, but now I am in that life with him, I wish he would have a normal job. At least then we could go out on dates, actually have a relationship and focus on us.
I miss him and I hope he misses me as well. He is supposed to be coming back from some promotional things on Saturday (and during the day) so hopefully we will actually get to spend some proper time together. Alone.
No disrespect to Ciaran, but it always seems to be the three of us when Nolan does have time off. I could do with some me and Nolan time. Just the two of us. We could do with some time to reconnect and… well, you know.
I pause there and sigh heavily. I feel bad for some of the things I have written down, but it is all true. That’s the beauty of my diary that I now keep. I can let out the feelings I couldn’t possibly say to anyone’s face and no-one gets hurt. Thing is, all this was to be expected really. I don’t know why it never crossed my mind that while Nolan would be closer now, he’d also be much further away than he was before.
Him coming to England was supposed to make things easier for us, but if anything, they are harder. We pretty much communicate by text or video call now, which granted we were doing anyway, but it was supposed to decrease in volume as we’d be able to actually see each other in person more. I guess we both underestimated just how much work he was going to have to put in. Well, I did anyway. There I was, thinking he’d work during the day, maybe slightly longer than your average workday, but he’d still have time in the evening to come for a quick visit.
He could even stay with me overnight if he didn’t want to drive back and just leave earlier in the morning to get back to the studio, but all I got was repeatedly cancelled plans. I acted like it was okay and that I understood, but it hit much deeper than that. It looked like he didn’t want to be with me, but I know that isn’t true. It doesn’t make it hurt any less though. After a while we didn’t even bother to make plans – we just agreed that if he could come over, he’d let me know. I could probably count on my hands how many times that has happened over the last five months.
Don’t get me wrong, I am super proud of him, and I do still love him (I don’t think I could ever stop), I just wish his schedule wasn’t so full on. But I guess they need all the publicity they can get to make his first album a success.
I’ve tried to fill my time with other things – hobbies (reading, writing in my diary etc.) and seeing friends (mainly Mari and Penny), but I feel like I can’t go out in case Nolan tells me he can come by. That doesn’t do much to help keep your relationships with other people strong though. It’s harder for them all to understand because they’re not living it as closely as I am.
I haven’t been to visit AJ since this all kicked off, which I feel really bad about. She acts like it’s fine – she knows I have a very different life to lead now – but I know deep down she feels hurt, as if I don’t want to see her. And that is not the case at all. I just wish there was a way to tell her that. Like with Nolan, we text and video call as much as we can so our friendship is still there – we could just do with some time to hang out again like before.
Then there’s Saoirse, who I wouldn’t consider a best friend, but I have been wondering how she is doing recently since her and Cian split up - AJ didn’t give me the details on why. There could be one awkward reunion coming up if we ever go back over to Ireland and Ciaran wants to invite his two mates.
Apart from that everything is as it was. Okay, that’s probably a lie. Nothing is as it was. I figured only Nolan’s life would change when this all kicked off but apparently mine had too. So much, that even I have been called in to Nolan’s label’s office on Monday. I have no idea what the meeting is about but apparently it is imperative that I be there.
I have no idea if Nolan knows, I haven’t had a chance to ask him. I could ask Ciaran, but I don’t want to go behind Nolan’s back like that. I don’t think he’d appreciate it or see it as me not wanting to disturb him if I asked someone else, especially Ciaran.
So, that has been my life for the past five months. There’s not much else to tell really. Well, Nolan finally had his twenty-first birthday. We went over to Ireland to celebrate, and this was before Saoirse and Cian split so there was no awkwardness there. I still find myself thinking about our age gap sometimes. There was a short window of time where it only seemed like four years between us, but then I turned twenty-six and everything went back to how it was at the start.
Still, I’ve had other things to focus on other than our age gap, so now I’m starting to believe I really can look past it. Most of the time.
Now, for the next two nights, it’s just me, alone at home. But I should get to see Nolan on the telly tomorrow night. Friday night means The Graham Norton Show and he is scheduled to appear as the music act to promote his first single (and album of course). He will have already recorded it and be on the way to Ireland for his appearance on the Late Late show by the time I get home from work tomorrow. Then on Saturday he’ll finally be coming home.
Maybe I’ll get Mari and Penny to come over tomorrow night. We can have a catch up, takeaway for dinner and watch Graham Norton together. It might help me get through the day until I can see Nolan’s face and hear his voice again.
Anyway, that’s enough about me. How have you all been?
