Poe

Chapter 1

The Secret

My name is Joshua and I have a secret to tell you, that I’ve never told anyone. It’s about as personnel as you can get. The kind of personnel that comes with topics such as losing your virginity. And questions like, how did your mother die? Or how many people did you kill in the military? I have to tell someone; I can’t take it anymore. Even though I’ve had this in me for a while, it’s growing past what I manage. My work’s lagging, I don’t sleep, I barely eat. My wife’s asking questions that I can’t bear to answer. She thinks I’m having an affair… me? She thinks I’m walking out of line. After all we’ve been through!

Well, I’m not, I’m just at a point where I have to tell someone. I hate that she can’t be that someone, but she wouldn’t understand, or maybe she would. I’m just not willing to gamble my marriage on that question. I came here because I know you can’t legally tell anyone what I’ve said. Doctor patient confidentiality, thank God for it. That’s why I’m here. I need to talk about what happened with Poe. 15 years ago, I started working at a zoo in Seattle. Not the one you’re thinking of. This one was privately owned out in the country. It was a rich guy’s pet collection that he opened to the public for extra money. I was a young man back when I worked there. I was still in school for zoology, with a main focus on mammals.

Being a zoologist, I never really had a favorite animal per say. I mainly liked mammals because they’re warm, furry, and really, it’s because I can relate to them more. Now some guys and girls just love slimy little lizards to death. They can watch them sit and do nothing for hours, and then they shriek with joy when their prized toad decides on whether to move one centimeter to the left or right. If you put me in a room with a dog and skink, I’d rather play with the dog.

Mammals are easier to understand and empathize with; the way mammals work is mostly common sense because we’re mammals too. We all have mothers, basic feelings, we have sex, we get sick, and we don’t need to lay eggs. Not counting the platypus, there’s no telling what’s going on with them. However, out of all the mammals, if you were to have put a gun to my head and made me chose back then, it would have been the giant panda.

I loved pandas because who the heck doesn’t like pandas? There’s no downside to them. They’re cute, cuddly, nice enough not attack you on sight, too dim to pick locks, and they’re great to work with in general. Give me a chirpy panda over any glorified room decoration any day of the week. That’s how I was back then. When I was at the zoo, I worked with animals of every species.

Shoveled wherever too much crap was, refilled snack bars, worked counters, took pictures for charts. It was good experience for a young zoologist, which was the main reason I was there. A zoology masters requires a minimum amount of hours in animal care. I did general work at the zoo for probably 5 years, until I got picked for a new project the zoo and my university had involved itself in… giant panda breeding.

Back in the day this was a big topic among the animal enthusiast world. The young people probably don’t remember, but there was a real problem getting pandas to breed before we got their population back up to vulnerable. You see, pandas are clumsy, barely interested in anything they can’t eat. Which is unusual for mammals. Typically, when a female of any species goes in heat, all she had to do is flash her bits and the males don’t hesitant.

As much as I liked pandas, they’re pretty stupid. If it wasn’t for the collective effort of hundreds of zoos, private breeders, and universities around the world, they’d be extinct or right on the edge. When their numbers got too low zoos sounded the alarm and got to work trying to fix it. When social media heard about it, it gave more attention to the issue which really helped out. Our little movement was so popular online, that porn stars actually dressed like pandas in suits, and humped each other on video to help the pandas get in the mood, I’m serious, you can look it up, that really happened.

On my end of that global effort, the zoo I worked in and my university collaborated as well. Seattle zoo got most of funding and attention; but luckily my zoo had pandas already or we may not have been included. Where my zoo was small, the university composed a three-person team of students, with one overseeing professor who reviewed our findings back at the university. I only met him once, he would’ve devoted all his time to the Seattle team if he could, but somebody had to see over us.

The team composed of myself and two other zoology majors named Ashley and Tyson. Those first few weeks we didn’t really get along, but after collaborating some on a few grants and sharing our knowledge, we all got closer. Tyson was a pretty good guy. We weren’t best friends, but there was nobody I’d rather shoot the crap with than him. Except for maybe Ashley. Ashley… she’s special to me. She’s a good person, and she didn’t deserve what happened to her, neither did Tyson. University wouldn’t donate much more than permission. So we spent the first two months of the program working on getting funding through grants and calling animal husbandry professionals before we even started working with the pandas.

My zoo had four pandas in total. Two females and two males. One of the females was named Titi, she was a good girl, and man could she rip the skin off an apple. Tyson was sweet on her, he’d always make sure she had a nice red delicious to munch on when we took her vitals. Our other girl was Foxy, she was a sassy one, you’d tell her to go on inside and she’d shake her head like she knew what you were talking about until you gave her scratches. Ashley favored her; taking selfies and asking her questions on video that Foxy would shake her head too.

It might seem counterproductive, but it got us a few grants from people seeing those videos. Then there was Lung, pronounced Loo-Gue. Who was my favorite; he was sweet boy, really he was. I liked him the most because I had to spend more time with him. The girls bullied him where he was smaller. Take his food even when they had enough and I’d stay over to make sure he ate. He was a good animal, and I never saw him have a bad day; finally, there was Poe.

Now I know what you’re thinking, because I thought the same thing at first too. However unfortunately, Poe wasn’t named after Kung Fu panda. It was 5 years give or take before the program. I happened to be working late the night he was born. The old keeper basically shanghaied me into leading Poe’s mother away with an orange while he took a newborn Poe away for vitals. I remember it was quiet that night, very quiet, like a disturbed forest. No crickets, frogs, or even the other zoo animals, it was just quiet, and foggy.

Poe launched out of his mother like a big pink bogger in a hurricane sneeze. I’m not joking, that’s genuinely how pandas are born. Giant panda mothers have some of the easiest births in the animal kingdom. Sometimes they don’t even notice it’s happening. Anyway, Poe landed nearly a foot away with a little splat on the concrete. I took an orange to distract her and the old keeper gathered the little booger into a warm cloth. I don’t recall all the details since it was 15 years ago, but I do remember seeing a little pink jellybean crawling on a towel in an incubator. While talking to a very proud-looking keeper as we both looked him over. It was a big moment for me too, since I was still very new to the real animal world.

I asked the old keeper what its name was. I remember he didn’t say anything at first. We were both bent over staring through the incubator window. The little guy really was just like a booger. A little pink booger with barely formed paws wiggling around a white towel squeaking a small pathetic cry that’d melt your heart.

The old Keeper said: “I’m thinking about Poe,” then I asked.

“Oh, like from Kung fu Panda?” Because the movie had came out recently at the time. The old keeper looked at me like I was insane.

He said: “What are you talking about? Kung fu what? No Edgar Allen Poe, my favorite author. God you kids today are weird, whatever happened to bonanza?” The old keeper scoffed at me and then left to go type everything in the computer.

And so, Poe was born. I got involved for the first few months out of curiosity and personnel investment. Poe was a big deal according to the old keeper. He was big for his age in the 99th percentile throughout his development. It wasn’t until he opened his eyes for the first time, that he was no longer a prime specimen.

Poe had terrible eyesight, he was almost blind. When I saw his eyes open for the first time, they were Milky white, covered in cataracts. The old keeper was sure he was blind until Poe flinched at the flashlight. He could see, all be it barely. On the bright side being raised in a zoo meant Poe didn’t have much to worry about for survival. Outside of his eyes he was still a prime candidate. Poe was a hulk of a bear. Barely an inch off height and a few pounds off from setting the world record.

I got out of involving myself with Poe right after he opened his eyes. It wasn’t because I wasn’t interested. I just had school and work to do at zoo. I didn’t even know the old keeper retired until two years after the fact. I hadn’t seen Poe up close again until we began the program. Poe had grown to be over 6 feet tall. Weighing in at nearly 300 pounds. There were other Pandas at the zoo who came and went. Poe’s mother for example got traded for Titi and Foxy a few years before. So going into the breeding program I didn’t really know Poe’s personality that well despite being aware of him. Which was why I didn’t see the signs before it happened.

Our team’s first day out with the giant pandas was early on. Before we even had the paperwork done. I remember it was sunny, bright, the wind was steady and cool. The kind of weather you’d want for a picnic in the park or a day at the zoo. It was the first day that we started interacting with the pandas one on one. Now you might think that this should have been the first step but not when you’re doing things officially. Paperwork is the life blood of modern science. Every dime has to be accounted for and every action noted in great detail to be submitted for approval and ready for audit. Before anything is done, a month of work had already went into the idea alone.

When we walked into the enclosure, Tyson, Ashley and I had a goal to get to know the Pandas for the experiment. Their personalities, quirks, and also a basic exam for our portion of their charts. It went pretty well at first. Honestly, an afternoon with four clumsy pandas is as fun as it sounds. Titi was all over Tyson, trying to climb up his leg for more apples while he examined her droppings. Foxy gravitated more towards Ashley, who was extra liberal with treats and was filming some of her first videos. Laughing and watching Foxy shake her head. Me, I was feeling bored that day. Sure, it was fun but… I don’t know. Something about that day. I didn’t feel good going into it. I was on edge, it felt suspicious? As if I knew something bad was going to happen.

Lung was a sweetheart, a few years older than Poe, barely over half his size. Lung came right up to me and was smart enough to know that I wasn’t in the mood to play. While I looked him over and jotted down what I needed. Lung would just sit by me idle, occasionally he’d chirp almost like a bird. Otherwise just looking at me, enjoying my company as I occasionally examined his paw or lifted an arm for closer inspection. Once I had everything I needed, I looked back and saw Poe resting with his back against a rock wall crunching a thick cut of bamboo. His eyes were white, unfocused. I remember thinking how creepy he looked just sitting there.

In that moment I shrugged off my fears and started walking over. Leaves crunched under my boots, while Poe cracked into that thick piece of bamboo. The small crushing noises made me think of a dog breaking bones in its mouth. Something about the whole thing had me on edge, when it shouldn’t’ve. I actually felt myself sweat as I got closer to him. Poe kept on eating, acting as if I wasn’t there. With his eyes not focusing, I could’ve assumed he didn’t see me. Since I knew he could, I decided that Poe just didn’t care as I squatted down to his level.

I remember I asked him, “hey Poe, is that bamboo shoot hitting the spot?” He answered with another loud crunch followed by a series of wet smacking as he chewed the fibers. I shook my head at him, even laughed a bit, and started writing basic descriptions in my notes. Poe had grown up a lot since I saw him five years before. One of his paws was as big my face. I could see lone white claws wrapped around the base of the thick bamboo shoot. Digging in they cracked the green seal with no effort, squeezing the thickest part as if it was taffy. Part of me wondered what those paws could do to a person, since they were cracking a hunk of bamboo like nothing. That stuff’s not weak, they build houses out of it in Asia and here Poe was breaking it like twigs.

I watched Poe’s teeth work, crunching and slurping up the juices. Part because of science, part because of anxiety. I lost myself in the moment before I heard chirping behind me. Causing me to turn back and see Lung barreling around, rolling on the ground like a toddler. I laughed for a minute at it, then I looked over to see Tyson now petting on Foxy and Ashley giving Titi scratches. It calmed me down to see things so nice. I even caught myself smiling at them all.

Then I turned back and Poe wasn’t eating anymore. He was just staring at me, with his milky white eyes. The bamboo was gone, it was just him, looking and breathing less than half a foot from my face. Despite my instincts screaming for me to back off, I didn’t think I was in danger. Poe had never injured a keeper or even got into it with the other pandas. It was just… unnerving. Seeing him so focused on me.

The scientific part of my brain urged me to use the chance to examine his eyes. Now again, plenty of vets had noted Poe’s eyesight over the years. However, where he was going to be in the breeding program. I had to look at them for myself. What I did next… looking back I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I had no logical reason not to. I reached forward to open his left eye more, when Poe snapped at me. Snapped is actually not accurate to what he did, and implies he corrected himself as soon as it happened. Poe caught my hand in his canines and didn’t let go. It happened so fast that I didn’t have time to process it before it was my reality. I could feel his teeth wedged between the bones of my hand. Then came the stinging pain of it, the warmth of his mouth and the hot prodding of teeth into the flesh of my palm.

I didn’t scream or move. That was only thing I knew better than to do. I’d worked with plenty of animals before then, many predators. Lions, tigers, other bears oh my. The worst thing you can do is scream or thrash if they get ahold of you. Fight back, yes, but only if you think you’re going to die. What screaming and thrashing does is it sets off all their instincts to finish the kill. You see, most predators aren’t that smart, sure intelligent, but not smart enough to plan out their attacks. Not like chimps or orcas.

They typically don’t have any idea of what they’re doing when attacks happen on humans. Especially animals in captivity, who’ve never hunted. When zoo animals attack it’s more of a reflex than a deliberate strike. They did something they’re supposed to do every day in the wild, but with no experience they don’t know how to go about the rest. In short, captive predators are almost always unsure of how to go about the actual kill.

Now giant pandas are bit tricky in that department. They’re technically not predators. However, biologically they still are. Despite being herbivores, giant pandas did not evolve to be primarily plant eaters, they adapted to that diet. While still maintaining all the equipment of a predatory omnivore. Giant pandas aren’t like cows or deer. They’re bears, bears who forgot that they’re at the top of the food chain. Until that moment, Poe went his whole life not seeing moving creatures as food. I sat still, thinking on what do while Poe held my hand in his jaws. Still as an untouched lake. I saw Ashley come by me asking about a clipboard, where she froze in place.

“Don’t do anything,” I said quietly as Tyson arrived as well. Tyson got the message before I even thought of it and worked to keep the other pandas behind us. Ashley squatted down by me, staring nervously waiting to help as soon as she got the chance. The pain hadn’t dulled, it took a lot of will to keep calm. I sucked in air quickly, as if I’d jumped into an ice bath. Then I felt Poe’s rough tongue lapping around my fingers. It hurt something God awful, as the wet thing dug into the exposed flesh of my hand inside the bear’s mouth. I saw his throat swallow, I was sure it was blood going into his stomach, my blood. I took a deep breath, I had to be firm, I couldn’t let Poe know I wasn’t in charge. I also had to be careful I didn’t set him off to rip off my hand.

“Poe, ah ah, open, open, open,” I said, over and over again in my best recreation of my own mother when I had something I wasn’t allowed to touch. Poe looked at me through those milking white eyes. I saw some of my blood mixed with his spit running down over his black gums onto his fur. He bit a little harder, and I breathed again. My hand was shaking for a moment until I willed it to stop.

“Poe, let go, open, open, open!” Something about my tone must’ve registered in his brain. I felt Poe’s jaws unlock, not all the way, but enough to pull my hand out with only a few extra scratches from his teeth. I watched him closely as I tucked my hand under my arm pit and Ashley helped me to the exit. We didn’t run, we were careful, we speed walked with Tyson by our side. I remember looking back while Ashley and Tyson fumbled with the gate lock. Poe still sat there, blood on his dark lips which had dripped down over his white fur. Leaving red stains here and there. I knew he couldn’t see me from how far away we were… however, he stared at my general direction. It was as if he was looking right me, wondering what on earth he had just tasted. Debating whether he wanted more.

We didn’t tell anyone what happened. There were risks associated with working with animals. Everyone in zoology knows that. You don’t expect to die but to get bit by animals comes with the territory. However, the businesspeople and university uppers in charge don’t feel the same way. They would have ended the program, maybe they would have even put Poe down for it. It’s not something any of us wanted, for us or the pandas. Ashley and Tyson didn’t have to ask me not to squeal. I went home early and told them at the hospital it was a stray dog.

I came to work the next day with a dog attack story and everyone bought it. I will say Tyson was a major ass for asking if I remember what kind of dog it was right in front of the uppers. Despite him, we sold the story and things continued with a new unspoken rule that Poe was to be watched around stray fingers… knowing what happened later. I wish I would’ve rather just gotten us all fired. Oh, that’s all the time I’ve got? Well, I’ll see you next week.