Chapter 1
There comes a time when you’re sat in your friend’s childhood home while her now aged parents are travelling, petting the family dog that has become grey around the muzzle, with coffee on the table and your small suitcase open upstairs in the guestroom, that you realise life really does pass you by.
I hold the mug tight, enjoying the aroma as I wait for it to cool down. Lana kept milk and sugar out on the table for me and I can’t help but smile at the traditional British standards that translate across the world. I left the milk but I did take a spoon of sugar, I may not be fully giving in to the European life but I feel proud of my black coffee. With one hand absentmindedly stroking the dog I look out the window.
‘Do you think we’ll see each other again soon?’ I asked.
‘You’ve just arrived’ She replied sounding amused. I had, in fact, literally just arrived; my coat is still draped over the chair. I had booked a morning flight and so we both begrudgingly gave each other a hug at the airport, with dark circles under our eyes due to the poor time choice. Twenty minutes later and here we are at her parent’s house, where I’ve visited so many times in the past, but in my younger and much more foolish days. I still cringe thinking of what her parents must think of me based on my reckless 17-year-old shenanigans.
‘But how soon after this trip, do you reckon?’ She sits back in the chair and takes a sip of coffee, without sugar. ‘Summer would be possible?’
‘It would indeed.’ Rosie, the flat coat retriever, nudges my hand and I realise I had stopped petting her. I resumed the ear scratches and sighed. ‘You know one of the last times I was here at this time in the morning was when we were walking back from that shit club.’
‘I unfortunately do remember that, although there’s a lot of other things I can’t recall.’ I flash her a conspiratory smile and she gives one back. The past can nicely stay where it is. We’re now approaching 30 and have become much wiser. It had actually only been 3 months since we last saw each other, a friend’s wedding had brought us together for 3 days of celebration, alcohol and bad choices. This is a rare occasion to see each other again in such a short space of time. Usually, we go years. The possibility of another trip makes my heart happy. It’s not easy having a best friend who lives in another country. It’s one of those friendships that’s like a sisterhood. We met online through our shared loved of a popular pop-punk band back in the days of band t-shirts, winged eyeliner and backcombed hair. I cannot tell you the relief when we first video called and realised the other was in fact, not a 67-year-old man exposing himself.
‘Tomorrow, you have work, right?’ She asks, interrupting my thoughts of cheap cider, live music and sticky venue floors. ‘I do; I’ll be finished by the afternoon so I can work around your hours’
‘I’ll be done just after lunch so we can head out after?’ I nod my agreement. ‘Are you working from home?’
’Of course, I told my boss ‘fuck you I’m staying at home’’. I laughed and watched her eyes glint with amusement. ‘You are your own boss.’ I reply.
‘Yes, so there wasn’t much I could say to that was there.’
‘I guess not.’ I drink my coffee and think about the workload for tomorrow. Unlike Lana, I am not technically my own boss. I freelance but I’m in the process of setting up my own mental health business. I have 2 morning sessions tomorrow and a meeting so overall not a terrible day. I’m sure we will be in the city by 3pm with a glass of wine and table full of food. ‘I was thinking of showing you my new place tonight’ she says and I nod. ‘That would be nice, I can’t believe you got it in the city’ She shook her head. ‘Not that one, my holiday home in the mountains.’
‘Your what?’ she shrugged nonchalantly. ‘When did this happen?’
‘When Jakob and I picked it up last month.’ I leaned over the table and swatted at her arm. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, you ghastly thing!’ She chuckled and avoided my hands frantically trying to express my frustration at her keeping that a secret.
‘It’s not ready yet, we’re in the process of doing it up but the fire place works and the kitchen is done so we’ll be warm, fed and there’s wine in the fridge.’
‘Well, I can’t decline can I.’
‘No, I’d be offended’ I held her hand briefly across the table and gave it a squeeze. ‘I’m really happy for you I hope you know that’
‘I do.’
‘And I’m proud of you’
‘I know that too.’ We fall back into a comfortable silence and I continue sipping my coffee. Yes, this was going to be a good trip.
-
With the dog walked, suitcase unpacked and a hot shower we were soon climbing into her car to start the hour journey to Kranjska Gora. ‘I miss your Nissan’ I said stretching my legs out in the passenger side of her BMW. She starts the engine and adjusts the temperature of the heated seats. ‘I miss the memories; I can’t say I miss the car.’
‘Isn’t it by nature intended that by missing the thing you miss the memories?’
‘No, you’re a sap and you probably miss the actual car roaring up the highway.’ I laugh and nod to myself. ‘You know me too well.’ As the beautiful Slovenia landscape passes by, I allow my thoughts to wonder back to my time here as a youth. There’s a reason the words ‘young’ and ‘reckless’ go so well together. I wasn’t a party girl by nature, but with the right company, and by that, I mean Lana, I would happily guzzle down the spirits and dance provocatively luring in the men that littered the dancefloor. I can still remember my first…I can’t say love because was it really love? We were so young, I was so impressionable. My first… experience of feeling wanted, adored, craved. Oskar. Goosebumps suddenly rise on my arms and I tug at my sleeve as if it’s just the cold, but the car is warm and I know it’s more related to remembering how it felt to kiss Oskar for the first time.
Lana turns the radio up and starts dramatically singing the chorus of a song we used to love. I’m pulled momentarily away from my thoughts and join in, smiling widely across at her as we remember every word. As the sun sets lower, the sky outside becomes a deep blue and in between the singing and laughing I suddenly find that Oskar, who hasn’t entered my mind for a while, will not leave. I can picture him clearly, that dark brown hair a mess of curls that always fell so effortlessly around his forehead, those intense green eyes and his aquiline nose which brought so much character to his face that I couldn’t stop staring at his beauty. I can see his wicked smile and the way he would run his tongue seductively over his bottom lip during conversation. Always teasing. I wonder what happened to him. Did he ever make it as a writer? He spent a lot of time in the forest, grounded in nature. He said it helped his creative flow. I wouldn’t see him for days at times. All part of his creative process I suppose.
I remember the worry though, when I wouldn’t hear from him for days. I also remember how when he returned, he would show me just how much he missed me. He was almost animalistic with his passion.
‘Why are you blushing?’ Lana asks bringing me back to reality and far away from my memories of Oskar between my thighs. ‘Am I? I think it’s just a bit warm in here.’ I tug at my collar for effect but she just raises an eyebrow at me. ‘Will I be seeing Jakob this trip?’ I divert trying to ignore the sensation that has started to travel from my stomach further south.
‘He’ll be back in about two days, so definitely.’
‘Good.’
‘Why are you squirming?’
‘I’m not!’ I say defensively, cursing my body for this betrayal. Cursing Oskar for still holding a very erotic power over me. She hums in response but doesn’t question me further.
We finally climb up the slope towards the mountains and she indicates before turning on a snow-covered drive outside of the most gorgeous lodge. It has a sloped roof and wooden panelling; the first floor has French doors which open onto a rather large terrace. The ground floor also has spacious decking. ‘Home sweet home’ Lana coos and she turns the engine off and climbs out of the car. I’m in awe and take a minute to admire the beauty of the house. Snow covers the roof and it glistens in the moonlight; Lana’s boots make soft crunching sounds as she trots up the steps to the front door and opens the door. I turn around and look at the shadows of the mountains and spruce trees that surround this idyllic place. As I take a step inside, I hear a wolf howl in the distance and the goosebumps immediately reappear and my body tingles. I whip my head around as though searching for something.
‘Are you coming?’ She calls from inside and I take one last scan of the area before entering the threshold. ‘Coming’ I respond, trying my best to ignore my body’s reaction to a howl. I can’t help but notice that my thoughts have quickly returned to Oskar, and I can’t quite figure out why.
