Recycled
I knew I never should have agreed, I wanted the simple tasks, I knew from experience that nothing good comes from recognition in a big world. There are many big worlds that exist here on earth, each and everyone one of us enters into it for a paycheck, in order to pay to live.
I am not one to idle away the minutes talking away in the kitchen or by someone's desk about meaningless subjects. I like to come into work, do my job and leave without any unnecessary interaction.
Through different big worlds that I have entered I am always 'plucked', so to speak, from all the others. Perhaps it is because I show up, I do my job well, doing what I am directed to do without argument and I do it well.
It is nice and simple. Until they see that I can do more, even through promotion, I have declined over and over again any offers to level up because I know that it is not worth the money and energy. If the pay is enough for me to live in this world, I do not need more. I do not wish to climb the corporate ladder, never have wanted that and never will want it.
If you haven't already sensed it, well, I am frustrated and I only have myself to blame because I simply allowed it to happen. A shift at work. No one else to take over, or so they say, and suddenly I am in a position I have never wanted to be in. Leadership.
To be fair, I am good at leading, the only problem is, I care about people more than I care about profit. Another problem is that I know that all of this is meaningless, all of it. And now I have to deal with people who care so much about reaching a target and I am left to solve problems other people selfishly abandoned. My heart does not belong in a place like this but maybe it's exactly the reason why I have been forcibly placed in this position by the universe.
I do not care but I do, for the people, even though they do not want me to care for them or expect me to. Somehow, I feel selfish if I were to abandon a position I didn't even want and that I was pushed into without a second thought of how it made me feel. They didn't care about what I wanted, so why should I care what they think if I suddenly make the decision to leave?
I guess the conditioning is still there. No matter how much inner work I have done, somehow I still find myself trapped by expectations that are not my own. I also find it an inconvenience that I need to venture out for a demotion, so to speak, at another job so that I can revert back to pretending I am not competent and can work my days doing simple tasks, receiving a basic paycheck that pays for my survival here on this earth.
I am still undecided on which direction I will choose.
