introduction
I arrive at school earlier than usual though I really don't know why. The courtyard is quiet, save for the faint rustle of sakura leaves and the distant chatter of the few students that arrived before the bell. I pretend to check my phone, but really i'm waiting. Waiting for her.
When she appears at the far end of the path, It's like the sun decided to follow her. Long black hair bouncing slightly as she walks, Uniform crisp, Ribbon perfectly tied. Everyone turns to look -she always does- And my chest tightens so suddenly I have to press my hand to it. My notebook in my bag, untouched, but I can't stop thinking about the sketches I drew of her last night, the way her smile lingers in my mind like it's glowing.
She passes near me. I manage a swallow, trembling nod. "Good Morning." She says, Effortless, bright. "G- good Morning." I manage, voice to high, too soft, too... me. She smiles just a flicker of a smile that reaches her eyes and makes my stomach twist. And then she's gone, swallowed up by the crowd. I linger in the hallway, pretending to check my bag, pretending to tie my shoes, pretending anything but the way my heart is racing like it wants to escape. I want to follow her- to walk with her to class, to hear her laugh, to see if she notices me. But I can't. Not yet. Not until I can figure out how to talk to her without my hands shaking or my voice cracking. Class begins. I sit at my usual spot near the window, close enough to see her across the room, but far enough to remain invisible. My pen hovers over the notebook, but instead of taking notes, I trace her face from memory - the way her hair falls across her cheek, the curve of her smile when she laughs at what someone else said. The teacher drones on about history, but i'm not listening. I'm watching. Every Laugh, every gesture, every little glance she casts to her friends is burned into my mind. My chest aches with a strange combination of longing and fear. I want to reach across the room and touch her, to tell her I see her. That I've always seen her. That I... The bell startles me. I nearly drop my pen. She's packing her bag at the same time, humming softly, completely unaware that I've spent an entire morning just watching her breathe, just watching her exist. For a split second our eyes meet. My heart leaps so violently I think she must have felt it. I want to say something- anything- but my throat closes. I nod, stupidly, Like i'm acknowledging... what? Her existence? My obsession? And then she looks away, walking toward the door, and I'm left staring at her, trembling. I want to run after her. I want to shout her name, to hand her one of the sketches I made, to tell her she's the only thing I think about. But instead I sit there, pretending to take notes, while my mind wheels with things I can't say. And I know- I know- this is just the beginning. Every morning will be like this. Every glance, every Laugh, every accidental brush of the shoulder will be a battle between a desire and my fear. I don't know if I can stop myself and somehow... I don't want too.
