“God, I Think It’s Happening Again

POV: It all started in 2021.

A small town full of people, both poor and rich.

Placed in a family full of love, but pain was present.

But mine couldn’t be seen.

I was always looked down on.

Being compared to people I had never even met before.

I always placed myself in other people’s shoes.

I wanted to be like this person, or like that one.

It all began with words.

Nine-year-old me had nothing in my mind but silly thoughts.

I was raised in a Christian family.

I was told about the wonders and miracles God did.

And I am still being told about them today.

I do believe He exists.

I remember when the devil tried to trick me into believing that God’s existence was just a fantasy.

But Lord, You came through for me.

I remember being called a disgrace.

I remember being told to sit up straight.

I remember all the tears for four whole years.

I remember locking myself in the restroom and crying.

I remember telling myself that I was nothing.

That my dreams would never come true.

God, You know me.

You saw me.

I compared myself to everyone around me.

And it became a shadow.

I saw others as better than me.

And even today, sometimes I still do.

God, You saw what I did in my closet, and I’m not proud of it.

Sometimes I sit in a corner and doubt that one day I will shine.

There are prettier girls than me.

Wealthier girls than me.

Who am I to the world?

Who will I be in this world?

Am I just rain?

Will I fall and disappear?

Still to be known.

You said You would bless me and make me a fisher of people.

And that kings and queens would come for my rising.

Some days, I doubt those words.

I’m sorry, Lord. I know You love me.

But do I love myself?

Still to discover.

I put on a brave face for school every morning.

But behind that bravery is a scared child.

A child who doesn’t want to lose in life.

Behind that open smile, there is a space inside me.

A space that tells me I will never be enough.

Or that I will never fit in.

I count time.

Years have passed.

But the fear of being left behind in the success of the world still lives in me.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to wake up one morning and have friends who value me.

But I have no one.

No friends.

Maybe if I had a sister, I would feel complete.

But I never got one.

Not that I blame my parents, or You.

Of course I don’t.

You give children.

Children are blessings, whether girl or boy.

Yes, brothers are cool.

But what about the imaginary sister gap that is missing?

How will I fill it?

Is this how I will live my life?

Imagining what it feels like to have a sister.

What it feels like to have someone who matches your energy.

Why do people always get what I fast and pray for?

Am I not good enough?

Or am I not worthy of happiness?

Lord, sometimes I do get tired.

But I keep going.

To be honest with You, I don’t know how long that will last.

But I hope I can stay happy for others who post their sisters…

and not feel jealous.

I think it’s happening again, Lord.

I’m doubting my existence again.

I’m doubting my life.

My purpose.

And my worth.

Lord… it’s happening again.

Please make me happy.

And help me not be jealous.

This piece is not a story.

It is a reflection of my personal feelings and thoughts.

Sometimes we smile in front of the world while fighting quiet battles inside. If you have ever felt this way, just know you are not alone.