Chapter 1
Okay, if it’s raining, then I live to see another day.
Skylar stepped outside the front door, the overhanging porch covering his small frame as the door shut behind him quietly. He didn’t need to be waking up his foster Dad or the other kids in the house. He lifted his head from his tattered converses and looked up into the sky; it was a dark canvas splattered with tiny glittering pinpricks, not a cloud to be seen, perfectly dry.
Skylar’s street was quiet at this time of night; he lived at the end of a cul de sac so there would be no traffic passing by. The street lights were bright against the dark houses, everybody asleep. Nobody to bother him. Nobody to stop him.
If nobody turns their light on in their house in the next five seconds, I carry on.
Skylar watched the houses opposite him, his body knowing that nobody would turn a light on, but he counted anyway, following the ritual, following the signs, if the signs were or were not there, it was meant to be.
“One, two, three, four..... five.” The council built houses remained unlit, standing like identical soldiers in the darkness surrounding them, waiting. Skylar took a deep breath and pulled his hoody around his frame to protect against the chilly wind of the midnight air.
He had had that hoody for a few years and had worn it almost every day so the material was beginning to wear down, the black faded to a washed out grey/black, letting in more of the cold than he was comfortable with. What else did he have though? It was his warmest piece of clothing and he dared not ask for a new one to be bought for him. He wouldn’t need one soon enough anyway.
He walked down the path to the rusted front gate, glancing at the toys strewn across the overgrown lawn as he passed. He saw the trike upended on its side; he remembered the twins arguing over it, one pushing the other off it in a fit of anger, both ending up screeching and crying hysterically. The football that Daniel would play with every day after he got home from school, getting a telling off each day from Fran, their foster Mum, that he hadn’t bothered to change out of his school uniform and subsequently got it dirty.
Skylar jumped over the gate, not wanting the loud screech it made every time it opened to draw any attention to him. He made his way down the street, the only person on the empty road, the occasional rustle of a stray empty packet of crisps blowing in the breeze.
If I get to the end of the road and I land on my left foot, I have to go back.
He got to the end of the street, his right foot landing first and he paused, looking around him. He was used to seeing the world through the darkness; he often would be out for most of the evening and well into the night, only staying at the house long enough to get his homework done and sometimes even that was a struggle. Since starting college he had taken to going to the local library straight from school in order to do it and that often landed him in hot water with Fran because he wasn’t home to help with the smaller ones. This conversation often escalated into an argument and ended in Skylar grabbing his bag and storming out of the house and walking the streets for hours until it was late into the night and they had all gone to sleep.
This night he felt somewhat empty without his bag on his back, like a comforting weight over his shoulders so he folded his arms around himself like he was giving himself a hug and carried on, taking a left up the hill.
If a car doesn’t pass me by the time I get to the entrance, I have to carry on.
Skylar made it to the entrance without anyone passing by. Not a car, motorbike, cyclist, not even a late night dog walker or group of menacing kids from the rough school on the other side of the estate came within his vicinity.
Skylar looked at the entrance to the forest; the gate was locked which he expected but didn’t bother him in the slightest but the darkness inside was impenetrable and he was glad he had brought his phone with him so he could at least see where he was walking. He turned to the bin sat next to the tall brick wall that surrounded the entrance and he climbed on with a furtive glance around him. Nobody was there, nobody was watching or seeing the small teen get himself into trouble. Nobody caring.
He saw the shoe prints of many a teen before him do the same as he was doing now. He easily scaled the wall, chucking his light weight over the top and landing with youthful agility on the grassy bank on the other side.
If I fall down this bank I have to go back.
Skylar landed on the path without incident, feeling the loose rocks crunch quietly under his feet, shifting around like the path was alive, helping him move forward to his destination. He moved further into the forest, following the public footpath he had followed many times before, taking out his phone as he got further away from the street lighting and his feet began to get consumed by his ever darkening surroundings.
He could feel icy shards of rain spitting at him, one hitting him on the shoulder, another making him jump slightly as it hit his cheek, just under his eye. He had done his make up for the occasion; he never really got to wear it out in public, and he dare not wear it to school when he was there, he was ridiculed and beaten up enough as it was. Why would he add flames to the fire?
He only ever wore it in the dark of night, when he was alone in his room under the safety of the soft lighting he always had on, fairy lights illuminating his poster-covered walls. That night though, he had thought that maybe he would wear his favourites, seeing as it would be his last opportunity.
He had chosen a gorgeous purple eyeshadow that glittered in the light. He had taken it from the local makeup booths in the market in town, swiping it with deft fingers when the girl at the counter was distracted. It’s how he got most of what he owned; the thick black eyeliner he had traced into wings around his eyes had been taken from the pharmacy. His black lipstick an opportunistic snatch from the same market just a different shop; an alternative shop selling all things gothic from figurines to incense and makeup and wiccan books. He had even smiled at his reflection before leaving, enjoying how the makeup looked and felt, especially how it set off the red colouring in his floppy fringe.
If I can’t find the way, then I turn back.
He walked towards the footpath but instead of continuing on, he cut into the trees, shining the torch onto the forest floor and easily finding the worn path from many journeys of many teenagers going to the same place he was. They wouldn’t be here tonight; there were too many parties going on for Halloween.
The floor under Skylar turned from crunching stones to crunching leaves and snapping twigs, a stray branch occasionally snagging on his overworn jeans, ripping the fabric ever so slightly. It wouldn’t matter. After ten minutes of climbing the embankment through the forest he came out onto a brow of a hill and he stood there for a moment, taking in a deep breath, seeing his destination in front of him.
Unless there’s somebody there, I have to keep going.
Skylar scanned the area around the bridge, the moon able to get through the thin canopy of trees and illuminate the bridge and its surrounding area. There wasn’t a soul to be seen. He made his way down the embankment and stopped on the path, staring at the run down and frankly pathetic attempt at blocking the bridge off from people straying onto it.
The council had made a decision to close this bridge down after it had become too worn by years of use by cars passing through to the next town. They tried to fix it but it was apparently some sort of protected area and therefore they weren’t allowed to make any changes or amendments to it, including repairs. After months of fighting, they had forever condemned it, placing metal guardrails across the road part with red and white signs sitting central stating ‘ROAD AHEAD CLOSED’.
They then had the issue of people still crossing the bridge on foot, and had put up metal barricades that wayward teenagers just pushed over or cut holes in anyway. It stopped the every day walker but, well, if you tell a teen ‘no’ they hear ‘challenge’ so...
The bridge was made from the old style bricks from what Skylar would have described as ‘olden times’, crumbling in some areas and the barrier wall completely washed away in other parts, fallen away into the fast flowing river some fifty feet below.
Skylar could hear the river from where he was standing, placing his phone back into his pocket and allowing the noises around him to filter into his brain one more time. He loved the sound of being there; it was one of his favourite places to hang out, just to have some peace and quiet from an otherwise unruly world.
The breeze, although cold, was fresh and rustled gently through the trees, a soft swooshing noise accompanying the loud rushing waters below.
If I see an animal in the next five seconds, it means the universe wants to see me wake up tomorrow.
“One, two, three, four..... five.” He didn’t see an animal, didn’t even hear one. He took in a lungful of fresh air and walked to the bridge, easily manoeuvring the slain metal barricades laying haphazardly around the guardrails, moving over towards the central part of the bridge where the wall was still intact.
He moved to where the wall had collapsed and began to walk along the wall, holding out his hands to balance himself as he went. He had a vivid memory of doing something similar along a wall on his way to school when he was very young, a smiling blonde lady holding his hand to make sure he didn’t fall, and then he always remembered when he got to the end of the wall, he would jump, landing on his feet and then shoving his hands into the air to a wild cheer from her.
He didn’t know who she was. He had come to the conclusion that she was just another foster parent in a long line of foster parents he had gone through over the years. He must have just been too young to have any proper memories of the place which was a shame; she was the only one who he had any memories of where they were smiling at him and looking at him like they loved him. Like a parent.
He reached the top of the wall and stood looking out over the river. It had rained for the past few days, some days raining torrentially, and the river was bloated and filled to bursting, threatening to overflow into the fields that surrounded it. It was faster than normal, the over abundance of water making it look muddy and dirty. Skylar couldn’t even see the collection of jagged rocks he knew sat on the river bed.
He sat down, pulling out the few things he had brought with him. He placed his phone by the side of him, pausing for a moment. He wanted to call her, wanted to hear her voice one last time, but he had promised himself that he wouldn’t. He didn’t want to worry her, didn’t want to wake her up from her peaceful, content life. He wanted her to sleep through the moment he left this world. Let her have as much peace as she could have before she woke up to a Skylar-less world. Not that he thought it would upset her too much but he could always dream that their friendship had meant something, even if it hadn’t. To her anyway.
He took a cigarette out from the packet he had, lighting it and taking a puff, watching the end burn bright in the night time. The only thing left in his pocket was the one thing that he had kept with him since he was small; his stuffed animal, Lumi. He didn’t know where it had come from, who had given it to him or the story behind it but all he knew was that he was inseparable from the small seal plush toy, once a bright white colour but now a dulled grey from washes and spills and years of love.
“I never did find out where you came from,” Skylar said quietly, talking to the inanimate animal laying snug in his arms, smiling brightly, one eye missing but still happy. “I wonder if you were given to me by the blonde smiling woman. It would make sense for me to have an attachment to something from her. I don’t even know who she is and she’s the only one who I’ve ever felt love from, all because of a stupid memory that I have stuck in my head. So pathetic,” he whispered the last two words, taking another drag on his cigarette.
“If I’m meant to do this, I’ll see a bird fly across the sky, silhouetted against the moon.”
Skylar watched the sky with sharp eyes, sucking on the cigarette and blowing the smoke up into the air where it danced on the breeze before disappearing completely.
“One, two, three-” A bird flew out from a tree to Skylar’s right, flying straight across the moon’s orb, silhouetted like a Dalmatian’s first black spot on its white coat.
“Okay,” he whispered, throwing the butt of his cigarette over the edge and watching as it disappeared from his sight, not even making any type of impact on the rough waters below. Skylar got up, standing on the wall, staring below him, gripping the seal in one hand and his phone in the other. He felt a lump form in his throat; he would miss her. He really would. But it was better this way.
He sniffed back the tears, taking a bracing breath. He imagined he was in a movie as he closed his eyes; this would be the part of the movie where the love of his life would run up to him, screaming for him not to do it, grabbing him back at the very last second where they would fall into each other’s arms and sob hysterically until the ambulance arrived.
This wasn’t a movie though; this was his life, and there was nothing about his life that had any sort of movie magic. More like movie tragic. He chuckled to himself quietly, taking one last look at the night sky; he had always loved the night time. It was so peaceful, so calm, nothing like the waking world. There was a magical beauty about the night that he loved. He would probably miss the night sky the most, spending hours laying on a field and staring up at the vast expanse of stars, seeing just how big the universe really was and all the possibilities behind it.
It was funny; he expected to feel a lot more emotion at the end. He expected his body to kick out, have a tantrum, try to fight until the very end. In reality, there was just a sad acceptance sitting in the pit of his stomach. A sweet melancholy of thinking of the things he would miss. But it had to be this way. He didn’t have any future worth fighting for.
If nobody talks to me in the next five seconds, I’ll walk forward into death’s embrace...
“One,” he whispered, staring down into the water.
“Two,” the moon was so bright, the stars twinkling and dancing around it.
“Three,” he thought of her. The only person who seemed to genuinely care about him, or so he thought. Her life would be so much easier now. He had to do it. She didn’t deserve the bother.
“Four,” a peaceful sense of relief entered Skylar’s body, all the worries and upsets and angers and tears and all the pent up emotions that he had stored in his small frame disappearing on the cool breeze, allowing him to finally breathe properly for the first time in his life.
He lifted one foot from the wall, placing it forward as if to walk into the air.
“Fi-”
“What are you doing?”
Skylar’s eyes shot open at the sound of his voice, his foot falling back onto the wall as he turned slowly to where the voice had come from.
There was a boy standing where the wall of the bridge had collapsed, where Skylar had just climbed up. He was looking up at Skylar through big brown eyes, like when a puppy would look at its owner after doing something wrong. His hair was brown and longish, falling effortlessly around his face, baggy hoody drowning his frame while the skinny jeans looked like they would cut off any blood supply to his legs.
“Are you going to kill yourself?” he asked. His voice was deep and smooth, like velvety chocolate. He asked the question as if he was asking for the time; matter of fact.
“Well, yes,” Skylar replied, shrugging his shoulder.
The boy looked over the edge, pouting slightly and nodded as if approving of something before turning back to him.
“Seems like it’s a sure fire way of offing yourself.” He got up on the wall and started walking towards Skylar slowly. “Don’t worry,” he added, seeing the worried look on Skylar’s face. “I’m not going to try and stop you. You stole my idea, actually.” He reached Skylar, standing on the wall next to him, smiling.
“You’re going to kill yourself?” Skylar asked.
The boy nodded, smiling with one side of his mouth. “Yeah... sucks, don’t it?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
There was a small pause and then the boy sighed. “So why are you killing yourself this evening?”
“Figured it would be quiet here because everyone would be out getting shit faced for Halloween.”
He laughed, Skylar staring into a wide grin that made his eyes disappear under the weight of his cheeks. “We had exactly the same idea. Great minds think alike it would seem.”
“Seems that way,” Skylar agreed. He paused and then looked at him again. He was staring down into the water but as Skylar looked closer he noticed the dark circles under his eyes, a bandage around one of his hands, sharp defined jawline, almost too defined... “Why do you want to end it all?” he asked before he knew what he was doing.
The boy looked at him and shrugged. “Life’s pretty shit, to be honest. You?”
“Life’s pretty shit.”
He nodded slowly. “That’s the way it goes I suppose, for people like us.”
“In what way?”
He stared at Skylar a moment. “The forgotten.” Then he chuckled. “Did that sound cool? It was meant to sound cool and dramatic.”
Skylar found himself giggling at the boy. It must have been the strangest conversation he had ever had, in one of the most absurd situations and he found himself letting out a small giggle, watching as the boy laughed along with him.
“If we were in a movie that would have definitely been a good line.”
“Hmm, a movie... what do you reckon would happen at this moment if we were in a movie?”
“Probably have some stupid voice over talking about how we met at a very strange time in our lives-”
“Ohh, fight club reference, I like that, super cliché and lame, perfect for a movie about ‘the forgotten’.” He air quoted his nickname for them both, both boys giggling quietly until they fell quiet.
Skylar sighed. “I don’t know what I expected really. It all seems so... banal.”
“Yeah I get you. Like, it’s just another night and it’ll all pass in the normal way, as if our lives were just drops in the ocean, not even making a difference, not making any noise, no ripple... nothing.”
Skylar scoffed. “Well, that definitely cheered me up, thanks.”
“Just saying how it is.”
“I guess so.”
There was another moment of silence before the boy held out his hand for Skylar. “So are we gonna do this then?”
“What? Together?”
He shrugged one shoulder. “Would you rather do it alone?”
“No,” Skylar whispered, taking the boy’s hand in his. His hand was warm despite the cool air around them and it seemed to calm Skylar’s sudden bout of nerves that hit his stomach like a brick to the head.
“Just out of curiosity, what was the thing that tipped you over the edge?” he asked.
“What do you mean?” Skylar replied.
“Well you know,” he adjusted their hands so their fingers were intertwined as if they were out for a romantic stroll. A romantic stroll they wouldn’t return from. “Well usually when someone wants to kill themselves it’s a build up of things until finally one thing makes you snap and decide, you know, ‘right, it’s happening’, so, what was it for you?”
Why did Skylar feel like talking to this strange boy was so easy? Was it the matter of fact way in which he spoke about these topics? Whenever someone had tried to talk to Skylar about anything relating to his mental health, the conversations were always hush hush and all quiet as if it was something that was supposed to be spoken about in secret which subsequently made Skylar clam up tight. This boy dealt with talking about the darkness as if he were discussing the weather. It made Skylar feel... like he was dealing with something normal. Something every day.
Skylar sighed. “I mean, like you said it was a lot of things that built up over a long while. I’m... I’m one of the kid rejects, foster home jumper, I do okay in school but every day it’s some form of abuse and I thought it would stop when I got to college but it hasn’t fully stopped-”
“What do they do?” he asked.
Skylar shrugged. “The usual. It used to be fights and calls of being a faggot and all of that, now it’s more... passive aggressive. Just little digs.”
“Pricks,” he mumbled.
“Correct,” he chuckled. “I guess the last straw was when I got told by my foster Dad that he couldn’t wait for me to fuck off out of his life and if it weren’t for the paycheck I bring in each month he’d kick my queer ass out in the streets.”
“Sounds like a fucking bellend.”
“Massive one.” Skylar turned to the boy. “What about you?”
He sighed. “Ah you know, had depression for years, overbearing mother, ‘mental health isn’t real’ father, dropped out of school so got nothing going for me and then I found out that my father is threatening to ship me off to the army.”
“Bastard.”
“Massive one.”
There was a pause and they both laughed. Skylar sighed. “Ah man, if only we could show them, eh? Hold up a middle finger to the world and say, ‘fuck you, we live how we want and we’ll be happy while we do it’. Anyway,” Skylar looked down below him. “It’s been nice chatting to you.”
“What if... what if we do it?”
Skylar laughed. “Well, that’s what we’re here for, right?”
The boy shook his head. “No no,” he looked thoughtful and then turned to face Skylar, his grip tightening on his hand. “What if we do what you said? Throw the middle finger up to the world and be exactly who we are, regardless of what the world says? Together.”
Skylar furrowed his brow. “Like... stick together, and help each other?”
The boy nodded. “We’ve never had anyone on our side. Nobody who truly understood, right?” Skylar nodded in agreement. “Why can’t we be that for each other? Try and live our lives, for and with each other?”
Skylar felt a shiver of excitement run through his body and he smiled at the boy. “Us against the world?”
The wide, eye disappearing grin was back. “Us against the world... and I mean, if it don’t work out then we can always come back up here and off ourselves another time.”
Skylar nodded enthusiastically. “Okay I see, like... if you kill yourself, I have to kill myself but you don’t want that to happen so you continue to live and if I kill myself, you have to kill yourself but I don’t want that to happen so I continue to live?”
The boy pointed at Skylar, looking triumphant. “Stuck in a catch 22 with nothing to live for but each other.... it might just work.”
“An anti-suicide pact,” Skylar couldn’t help but feel his heartbeat begin to race with the anticipation. Would it work?
“It’s worth a try, right?” the boy asked.
“I mean... did you come up here hoping that maybe there was something that would stop you? Like, something the universe would send to show you that maybe now wasn’t the time?” Skylar scuffed his trainer against the wall, a blush creeping up his face at his embarrassing half confession.
“Well, I allowed myself to walk here and I thought to myself that what will be will be. Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it wouldn’t, wouldn’t know until I got here.” He took a step forward then, closing the small gap between them so they stood directly in front of one another. “I guess the universe has other plans for us.”
Skylar smiled and nodded. “I guess so.”
“Fuck the world?”
“Fuck the world.”
“You and me?”
“You and me.”
The boy smiled. “What’s your name?”
“Skylar.”
“Pretty.” Skylar blushed further, huffing an awkward laugh. “I’m Jasper.”
Skylar looked up into his eyes. “Nice to meet you Jasper, thanks for saving my life.”
Jasper chuckled. “Nice to meet you Skylar, thanks for saving my life.” He jumped down off the wall, letting go of Skylar’s hand then, Skylar feeling the immediate need to clasp back on to him, as if he may disappear if he didn’t have him in his grasp at all times. He turned then. “Come on.” He held out his arms and Skylar smiled as he allowed Jasper to take hold of him and help him down from the wall, both boys turning their back on the raging waters below.
“Does it feel like it yet?” Jasper asked then, still holding a gentle grip on Skylar’s hips.
“Like what?” Skylar asked, feeling breathless all of a sudden.
“Like a movie.”
Skylar smirked. “You know Jasper... you met me at a very strange time in my life.”
