Chapter 1
I like the way the keyboard feels. It sucks that it won’t light up but I guess that’s the price you pay for a $500 pinkish MacBook. I wish it was more pink. If I wrote a book about my life I bet no one would believe it was my life. From the sex stories to the boyfriend to the unhinged thoughts that fill my brain. Maybe I'll start with the sex stories.
That will lead into the boyfriend which I’m struggling with right now. Struggling to leave, struggling to do better for myself, struggling not to fall for his manipulative pity parties, struggling not to think of other men, struggling to be happy struggling to have sex with him, struggling to say things to him and actually mean it, struggling to not tell his mother what kind of person she raised, struggling to not love him as much as I do because lord knows I love him so much.
But ask me why and it's dead silence.
If he ever read this or knew how I seen him it would crush me because I know that it would crush him. Every time I leave him he pulls me back. It's selfish of him and stupid of me. He used to talk about proposing all the time. I dead that shit. Being engaged to him and closing my door for good is the last thing I want to do. Being stuck with him for the rest of my life is a punishment. Being with him holds me back from what I deserve- a provider. I don’t have a provider, I have a man that shows his feelings too much. I know people always say that men never get to express themselves because they’re men but not in my case. In my case, if I try to leave I get messages from this man saying he’s going to kill himself. I love him and I don’t want him to hurt so of course there I was captain save a hoe when he pulled that shit. It's not that I love him more than I love myself its that a human life means more to me than having the perfect man. I need to be more selfish yet all he does is call me selfish.
I killed our baby. That’s a crazy way to put it- I had an abortion. I regretted it as soon as I did it but as time passed I realized that it was the best decision that I could have ever made. That would tie me to him for 18 years- at least. This isn’t the first pregnancy. I got pregnant the first time that I had sex with him which is the first time that I had sex with anyone. I have been paying for the consequences ever since. His sister told me that the mother of his child- who he lied about numerous times by the way, is exactly like him. Maybe he shouldn’t have cheated on her with me and got me pregnant. Maybe I should have never met up with him. Maybe it's mabeline.
The last time we had sex it was good. And it was good because I imagined it being someone else. I imagined it being a MAN. A leader. A strong, sexy, determined leader that id fuck anytime anywhere. He could text me right now and id be there. I know I’m quote on quote in a relationship but id leave if he told me to. He has three kids and he’s 29 (me 23). He seems like he’s everything I’m looking for, yet again everything seems like you need it until you get it, like this laptop. I had a seafood boil yesterday, maybe I'll get another one today. My dad called me weird because I went alone. I enjoy my own company. Funny coming from the girl who fucked 4 dudes in 24 hours.
