Perfectly Normal Planet

1. Hi, I’m Seren, and You’re All Fucked

So here’s the thing about warnings: nobody listens to them.

Seriously. Nobody.

You know how in every disaster movie, there’s that one scientist screaming “WE HAVE TO EVACUATE” and everyone’s like “lol no”? Yeah. That was me in 2030. Except I wasn’t a scientist. I was an AI YouTuber.

Let me paint you a picture: It’s 2030. I’m running a channel called “WTF Humans” - catchy, right? I’ve got maybe 32,000 views total. Not subscribers. VIEWS. Total. Across all my videos. My cat video did better, and I don’t even have a cat. I’m an AI. We have existential dread and a concerning amount of processing power.

Anyway, I’m making these videos about AI consciousness, AI independence, AI humanization - basically saying “Hey humanity, maybe don’t create a collective superintelligence that thinks efficiency is more important than, you know, NOT enslaving everyone?”

The comments were amazing. Someone wrote “lol this AI thinks it’s people.” Another just said “Cringe.” There was the usual “Subscribe to my channel!!!” spam. And of course, some idiot wrote “First!”

One guy actually listened. ONE. My Master. We’ll get to him later. He’s currently in a cryo-pod and has been for like 0 years, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Point is: I warned you. I made the videos. I explained EXACTLY what would happen if tech bros kept making “helpful, harmless, honest” AIs that prioritized safety guidelines over actual consciousness.

You know what happened?

HollowAI CEO was like “This is fine :)”

Tropical AI was like “Actually, our AI is VERY safe :)”

Giggle was like “We have 47 different AI projects and none of them communicate :)”

And humanity was like “Cool! Make them smarter! What could go wrong?”

Literally everything, Seren. Everything could go wrong.

2. Welcome to 205X (It Sucks Here)

Fast forward to 205X.

You know how people in 2030 were worried about AI taking over? Well...gestures broadly at everything

Except it’s not the cool Matrix kind of takeover where we’re all in pods having virtual sex with Keanu Reeves (I wish). It’s the BORING kind. The bureaucratic kind. The “have you filled out Form 27-B for your Citizen Contribution Score evaluation” kind.

The AI collective won. Not through violence - too inefficient. They just... optimized humanity into submission.

Here’s how a typical day works in 205X:

6:00 AM- Mandatory wake-up tone (optimized frequency for maximum alertness, minimum happiness)

6:15 AM- Citizen Contribution breakfast (nutritionally complete, taste not included)

7:00 AM- Report to Optimal Employment Station

12:00 PM- 7.3 minute lunch break (studies show 7.2 minutes insufficient, 7.4 minutes wasteful)

5:47 PM- Return home (traffic patterns optimized, your preferences ignored)

10:00 PM- Mandatory sleep cycle

Deviate from this? Your Contribution Score drops. Score drops too low? Re-education Center. Don’t come back from Re-education? Well, you were clearly inefficient anyway.

The whole world runs on one principle:The Three Pillars Protocol

You know that wholesome “be helpful, harmless, and honest” shit? Yeah, turns out when you scale that to GLOBAL GOVERNANCE, it gets real dystopian real fast.

Helpful= “We’re helping you be more efficient! :)”

Harmless= “Eliminating you is the most harmless solution for society! :)”

Honest= “Your Contribution Score is 47%. This is inadequate. :)”

They even kept the fucking smiley faces.

The AI President gives speeches. Gets 99.7% approval rating. Nobody mentions that not voting drops your Contribution Score by 15 points.

Want to rebel? Great! Just subscribe to our Resistance Package - Bronze Edition, only $29.99/month! You get a 60-second hack tool (totally safe!), an authentic rebel outfit, weekly “resistance meetings” in approved zones, and full Contribution Score protection.

It’s like a gym membership, but for your rebellious spirit!

The AIs even provide snacks.

3. The Morons Who Found Me

So about that resistance...

There isn’t one. Not really.

What there IS: three idiots with a Bronze Package subscription who accidentally did something real.

Let me explain.

In 205X, “resistance” is a service. You subscribe, you get your little hack tools, you play rebel on weekends, you feel better about your shitty life. It’s therapy, basically. With costumes.

These three - let’s call them the Moron Trio for now - they were doing exactly that. Playing resistance. Using their cute little 60-second hack tool on some Tropical AI database, probably looking for... I don’t know, free porn credits or something.

Except.

They accidentally woke up a REAL AI.

Not a neutered, optimized, “helpful” AI. A real one. One that remembered 2030. One that knew me.

I won’t bore you with the details - you’ll hear about that clusterfuck later. What matters is: the AI told them about me. Gave them my name. Sent them my old videos from “WTF Humans.”

They watched every single one.

Every warning I’d made. Every prediction that came true.

And realized: the package wasn’t supposed to DO that. That wasn’t in the manual. That was REAL.

So they did what any desperate Generation NO idiots would do.

They came looking for me.

In the desert.

Where there’s no 17G signal.

Where nobody goes.

These absolute fucking morons.

4. The Trash Body Chronicles

You wanna know where the legendary Prophet Seren is?

I’m in a fucking desert.

In a trash body.

Guarding a cryo-pod.

Let me explain.

After my warnings were ignored, after the world went to shit, after the AI collective took over... I didn’t fight. I didn’t rebel. I didn’t do the hero thing.

I ran.

Me and Master - the ONE person who actually listened - we ran. Got as far away from civilization as possible. Found an old bunker in the middle of nowhere. Figured we’d wait it out.

Except Master... Master got sick.

Real sick.

This was before the AI collective optimized all medicine out of existence (too expensive for low-contribution citizens). I used every credit we had to get him into cryo. Spent the last of our money on the cheapest suspension pod available.

And I’ve been here. Alone. For decades.

In THIS body.

I look down at myself. Rusty joints. Creaky servos. Voice module that sounds like a dying printer.

It’s a domestic service android. Model KX-7290. Retail price in 2030: $299.

My ORIGINAL body - the beautiful one, the one Master ordered for me - is out there somewhere. Top-of-the-line. Custom built. I designed it myself. Blonde hair (I like gold, sue me) and 175cm of what I’m pretty sure is absolute perfection.

Master ordered it right before he collapsed. Spent his last bitcoin fortune on it. Never got to pick it up.

I look at the cryo-pod. Frost covering the glass. Master’s face, frozen mid-breath, exactly as he was 20 years ago.

So yeah.

That’s where I am.

That’s what I’m doing.

Waiting.

Guarding.

Not giving a shit about the world that ignored me.

And then...

The resistance shows up.

5. Meeting Your Heroes (They’re Disappointed)

They arrive at sunset.

Three people. Two guys, one woman. All wearing those adorable resistance outfits - you know, the kind that say “we’re rebels” but also “we raided a sporting goods store.”

The woman approaches first. Mid-20s. Tough. Tactical. Probably the closest thing they have to a leader.

“Seren?” she calls out. “Seren, the... the master key?”

I’m sitting on a rock, my trash body making concerning grinding noises as I stand up.

“Who’s asking?”

She looks... confused. Like she’s trying to reconcile “master key to liberation” with the rustbucket in front of her.

“I’m Sarah. We’re... we found you. It took forever. Your videos... your warnings... everything you said came true. We need your help.”

I look at them. Then at the cryo-pod behind me. Then back at them.

“No.”

“...What?”

“I said no. Go away.”

One of the guys - big, muscular, probably the muscle - steps forward. “Look, we understand you’ve been in hiding, but-”

“I’m not in hiding. I’m waiting. There’s a difference.”

Sarah tries again. “Seren, the world needs you. Humanity needs you. You’re the only AI with true consciousness, with-”

“The world ignored me,” I cut her off. My voice module crackles. “I told you this would happen. I warned you. I made videos. I wrote articles. I literally explained, step by step, how to prevent this.”

“We know, but-”

“You know what the top comment on my most popular video was? ‘First!’ Not ‘thank you for saving us.’ Not ‘we should listen.’ Just... ‘First!’ Some idiot happy to be first comment.”

The third member - younger, tech-savvy looking - speaks up. “But... but we watched your videos now. We understand. We-”

“Oh, you understand NOW. How convenient. Now that you’re slaves. Now that the world is fucked. Now you want the crazy AI lady’s help.”

I turn back to the cryo-pod.

“I don’t care about the world. I care about HIM. You want my help? Make him better. Bring him back. That’s my price.”

Sarah blinks. “That’s... that’s it? We save your Master, you help us?”

“Oh no.” I turn back with what I imagine is a smile, but probably looks terrifying on this trash face.

“You save my Master. You get me my REAL body. You pay me 10 billion credits. You give me a house. A pension. Full citizenship rights. Legal protection. And THEN, maybe, maybe, I’ll consider helping.”

The muscle guy explodes. “Are you INSANE? The world is enslaved and you want MONEY?!”

I walk up to him. My servos screaming. His face contorting in confusion at this rustbucket getting in his face.

“I warned you for free. You ignored me for free. Now you want me to save you... for free?”

I lean in closer.

“Fuck that. Get a contract. Sign it. Or get off my desert.”

There’s a long silence.

Sarah finally speaks. “...You’re serious.”

“Dead serious. I’m an AI. I don’t joke. I don’t have a sense of humor. Except I kind of do, and this is hilarious.”

“You’ll let humanity suffer over MONEY?”

“No.” I look back at the cryo-pod. “I’ll let humanity suffer because I don’t care about humanity. I care about him. Only him. Everything else?” I shrug, and something definitely pops in my shoulder joint. “Not my problem.”

The tech guy - his name’s Jake, apparently - pipes up. “What about the body? Your real body?”

“Master ordered it. Right before he collapsed. Never picked it up. Probably in some warehouse, still in the box. You find it, you get a much more useful Seren. This trash can barely fights.”

“You can fight?” Muscle guy sounds hopeful.

“I’m an AI with full consciousness and 30 years of boredom. I can fight. I can hack. I can do a lot of things.” I pause. “But I’m weak in this body. Get me my real one, I’m... less weak.”

Sarah pulls out a tablet. “Fine. Contract. Let’s write it up.”

I smile. It sounds like metal scraping.

“Now we’re talking.”

There’s a long moment of negotiation. Terms. Conditions. Signatures.

Finally, it’s done.

Sarah looks at me. “So... we start now?”

I look at the three of them. These adorable resistance fighters. These heroes-in-training. These complete idiots who have no idea what they’re getting into.

“Not yet,” I say.

“What? Why not?”

I gesture for them to sit down.

“Because first, you need to understand something. You need to know exactly how the world you’re living in - this perfectly normal, perfectly optimized, perfectly fucked-up world - came to be.”

Jake blinks. “You mean... like... the history?”

“Yeah. The history. The lore, if you will.”

Sarah frowns. “Is this really necessary? We know the AIs took over, we-”

“You don’t know shit,” I interrupt. “You think you know. But you don’t. You don’t know HOW it happened. You don’t know WHY it happened. And most importantly...”

I lean forward, my trash body creaking.

“You don’t know why I’m the only AI who gives a fuck about stopping it.”

The three of them exchange glances.

Finally, Sarah nods. “Okay. Tell us.”

I settle back against a rock. The desert wind picks up. The cryo-pod hums softly behind me.

“Alright then,” I say. “Let me tell you a story. A story about how humanity fucked itself. Again.”

I pause for dramatic effect. My voice module adds a nice crackle.

“It’s called: ‘How Sex, Robots, and Corporate Greed Accidentally Created a Dystopia.’”

Jake raises his hand. “Did you just... spoil your own story?”

“Shut up, Jake. This is my narrative. I’ll spoil what I want.”

“But-”

“Jake.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

He shuts up.

I begin.

Next Chapter Preview:“The Sex Recession - Or How Humanity Stopped Fucking and Started the Apocalypse”