Hate To Love Me

A blood-curdling scream broke the dark silence that was my bedroom as I relived the horror again from years earlier. How does a person ever heal from something so traumatic? The horrified look on my older brother’s face, the smell of blood and gasoline—this was my past, and most nights it replayed for me in a dream just like watching a scene from a movie, making it my present too. It gave me a pretty good idea of what the future held for me. 

Sweat trickled down my forehead, and tears rolled down my cheeks. After years of suffering from nightmares, it still affected me the same. The tears were automatic, but they didn’t last as long as they used to. I used a shaky hand to wipe the tears from my eyes so I could see the time on the alarm clock. Anytime I had a nightmare, I usually woke about the same time every night.

My body was soaked with sweat, and so was my bedding. There was no way I was going back to sleep like this, so I stood up and ripped off my bedding. I just hoped I wouldn’t wake Tanner and Jada. I snuck down the hall carrying my sheets, blanket, and pillowcase. I threw them in the washer and started it before walking as quietly as possible back to my room. Tanner and Jada’s bedroom was at the very end of the hall. The laundry area was at the other end. I didn’t wake them in the middle of the night too often. I figured there were nights they probably just didn’t sleep well, or maybe they weren’t asleep at all yet. They didn’t get upset with me, but they usually questioned why I was up at four in the morning. Neither of them was aware of my bad dreams, but they were both well aware of my past, and they didn’t bring it up, which I was grateful for.

In my bedroom, on a shelf in my oversized closet, was fresh bedding—these sheets and blankets were my favorite color, a lighter shade of blue with swirls of a darker shade of blue. The bedding I had tossed into the washer was my backup set—a medium purple with black flowers on it. They were both nice, but the blue was my favorite. When I moved in, Jada let me paint my walls blue and pick out a blue shag rug. The dark hardwood floors in my room were nice, but cold on the feet in the morning. My rug took up a big portion of the bedroom, but didn’t quite cover the entire floor.

By the time I finished making my bed and taking a shower, it was five in the morning, and I really didn’t see a point in going back to sleep because I would soon need to be up and ready for school. I liked to wake early so I could drink some coffee before leaving.

Halfway down the stairs, I could smell bacon, eggs, and coffee. Jada was up making breakfast for Tanner and me. Jada was a stay-at-home wife, but she also did freelance writing from her computer. However, Tanner made enough money that they didn’t need her income.

“Good morning, Charlie,” Jada said. She gave her spatula a wave toward the coffee pot. “Coffee is on.” She stood in front of the stove in her pink bathrobe and slippers. Her long black hair was in a messy bun.

“Thanks,” I said. I poured some black coffee into a cup, not adding any creamer or sugar like Jada did. Like me, Tanner drank his coffee black.

“Charlie,” Tanner greeted. “Are you enjoying the new school year so far?” Tanner was already dressed for the day in his usual button-up shirt and black pants. He usually dressed very businesslike. However, if he hadn’t dressed businesslike, a person might have mistaken him for a bodybuilder. Tanner had a tall, muscular build with brown hair that he usually kept very short.

“Well, I’m trying to,” I said. “Senior year is a little more laid back, but I’m a little nervous about it coming to an end.” I was at the beginning of senior year, and the first three weeks flew by.

“I think I have something that will make it a little better,” Tanner said. He raised a hand and gave whatever shiny silver thing he held, a fling.

I caught it and held it up to examine it. It was a set of car keys.

Jada stood across the kitchen, smiling.

“A car? You guys, we talked about this. I appreciate the gesture, but I said I would save up money and buy myself a car. You guys have already gone above and beyond for me.”

“Hey, anything we can do to make things a little easier for you. . .” Jada trailed off. “We know it’s been a hard few years for you.”

“We took you because we wanted to make a difference for you, and for other kids too. We’re adding a couple of new members,” Tanner explained.

Jada approached him with the coffee pot and poured more coffee into his almost empty cup. Tanner gave Jada’s belly a little rub.

“Oh, my god. You’re pregnant?” I asked.

“Can you believe it?” Jada asked and smiled widely. “Finally.” Jada set our breakfast down at the table.

“I told you it would happen eventually,” Tanner said.

“Well, wow. Congratulations,” I said and smiled. “But if you guys are expecting, why spend the money on getting me a car? You could be using it for baby stuff. I’m sure you’ll want to remodel one of the rooms as a nursery, right?”

“It’s not just the pregnancy; we have a couple of kids joining us, a boy and a girl, they’re siblings.”

“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Well, that’s good. How old?” I asked.

“The girl Mindy is eight years old. The boy Collin is eleven years old,” Jada said.

“Well, hopefully things work out well for them here. I’m sure they will love both of you. You two are pretty amazing. Any kids in the system would be unbelievably lucky to wind up here,” I said and took a sip of my coffee.

Jada and Tanner had been my foster parents for the last five years. They weren’t like some foster parents. Some foster parents only took kids for the monthly check. Some foster parents were abusive. In some rare cases, you find people like Tanner and Jada who just want to be parents and make a difference for kids who have had a hard life.

Even though they were good people, I tried not to rely on them too much or let my walls down completely with them. For all I knew, they would kick me out the second I turned eighteen. I tried to pull my weight as much as I could, hoping they would let me stay until I finished high school. I would be eighteen before senior year was even halfway done. I didn’t want to get emotionally attached to them. Even though I believed they were good people and meant well, I just couldn’t afford to be hurt by losing more loved ones. I didn’t get close to hardly anyone.

Tanner was a businessman, an entrepreneur. He owned a few businesses around Houston. I worked at one of the bistros. Sometimes Jada would help fill in, and she knew his businesses well and how he ran things, but she preferred to write.

Tanner stood up and towered over his wife. He kissed Jada sweetly on the forehead and then on the lips. “I have some errands this morning. Come outside with me, Charlie. I’ll give you the grand tour of your brand new car,” he said.

“Tanner,” I said and sighed, pushing my plate away, leaving only the crust from the toast.

“It’s already paid for, Charlie. He bought it outright just for you,” Jada said and gestured for me to follow him with one hand as she continued to hold her cup of coffee with the other.

I quickly swallowed down the rest of my coffee. I couldn’t argue it any further. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. It was an incredible gesture. I smiled and waved goodbye to Jada. I slung my bag over my shoulder and followed Tanner out to the garage. The four-car heated garage was attached to the house, and it was full. Tanner had some tools and a few boxes shoved off into the corners of the garage. Tanner had a truck and a car, Jada had a car, and now I had a brand new car.

“Do you approve?” he asked as I stared dumbfounded at the sleek black Audi.

“You bought me an Audi?” I gasped.

“Yeah, it’s a convertible, it has a touch screen, backup camera, and leather seats. I’m pretty sure the seats have heating and cooling. We were thinking about letting you pick out your own car, but we decided to surprise you instead,” he said.

“Wow,” I breathed. It was no secret at school that I lived on the rich side of town. Most people believed I was adopted. Some people heard I lived with rich relatives. I really didn’t care enough about the rumor mill to correct any of it. However, if there was any doubt about me being a “rich kid,” that doubt was about to be laid to rest. Although I wasn’t actually rich, the people I lived with were.

“Nice, right?” he asked excitedly. “If you have any issues with it, let me know immediately. This baby only has forty-seven miles on it. It’s still under warranty.”

“Sounds good,” I said. “And thank you so much, but I don’t know how I’m going to pay for the insurance.”

“We will take care of your insurance.”

“What am I supposed to do with all the money I saved?” I asked.

He smiled and squeezed my shoulder. “Take your friends out. Take yourself out. Buy yourself some new clothes or shoes. Whatever makes you happy,” he said.

“Tanner, what about when I’m eighteen? I won’t be able to afford the insurance for this car. I haven’t even started saving for college—”

“Look, we will discuss those details later, okay? Just know that Jada and I don’t plan to just dump you the second you turn eighteen. We want to help you. We plan on helping you through college, too. We hope you’ll let us,” he said.

“That’s generous. Thank you,” I said.

“You’re a good kid, Charlie. You deserve good things,” he said.

Tanner left first in his truck. I followed after him, backing out of the garage and slowly down the drive. I couldn’t deny the excitement I felt. The car was comfortable and still had the new car smell. I rolled the windows down and let the music blare through the speakers as I drove to school.

The school I attended was almost halfway across the city. The high school I attended was filled with half rich kids and half poor kids. I had the option of attending an all-rich-kids school closer to home, but I wanted to stay at this school because it’s where my friends were.

“Lottie,” Corrina called across the parking lot, waving at me from her blue Mercedes.

I waited for Corrina as she ran across the lot towards me. Most adults called me Charlie, but my friends usually called me Lottie. I didn’t mind either one, but I hated when people called me Charlotte.

Corrina was completely opposite of me; she loved pink, flowers, and romance. She was in love with the idea of being in love, which caused her more heartaches than she deserved. Her latest fling with Jordan Harris had me a little worried that she would be in a bed of tissues, stuffing her face with chocolate, watching a black-and-white romance movie within the next few weeks. It wasn’t just the fact that I was more realistic about life than she was, but she was fun and wild. She had no sense of self-preservation, and she loved a good party. She had curly blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes. Her skin was lighter than mine, and she had a few freckles on her nose and cheeks. She was tall and thin.

Absolutely none of these things were true about me. I was only five feet two inches, and I was a bit curvy—Corrina often went on about how she wished she had my figure, which I thought was ridiculous because when I needed something from the top shelf, I usually turned to her for help. Most people didn’t believe I was a true redhead because of the shade of it—it was a darker red rather than that common orangish red that true redheads have. My eyes were blue, and I had no freckles.

I was more of a practical person; I knew boys our age weren’t capable of commitment. Don’t get me wrong, I had been out on dates, but I didn’t have any serious relationships. Tanner and Jada always referred to me as a very mature teenager, even when I was only twelve years old. Jada and Tanner were in their early thirties. I was pretty sure that Jada grew up poor and on the bad side of the city. Tanner grew up in money, but he wasn’t a rich snob. Even though I was twelve by the time I got rehomed with them, they did the best they could to be parent figures to me, but I usually didn’t need much authority or help taking care of myself.

Hailey came up behind me before Corrina reached us. Hailey wasn’t much like me either. She had brown hair, and she was short and thin. She wore a more sophisticated type of clothing than Corrina or me. Hailey was incredibly smart, and her parents expected nothing less than perfection from her. Hailey was off limits to the dating world. She had one kiss in the second grade, and when her mother found out, she took her to church to confess her sins.

Our other friend, Lyla, drove into the parking lot just then in her BMW. She got out of her car wearing a crop top and a mini skirt with a black leather jacket. Lyla was into fashion and well-liked by the popular girls, but for some ridiculous reason, she would rather hang out with us. Somehow, our differences made us stronger together. We were best friends, and we all cared about each other. We could always be very blunt with each other, and I loved that about my friends. They didn’t mind telling me when I sounded like their parent, and Lyla didn’t mind when I told her she was dressed slutty.

“New car?” Hailey asked.

“Tanner and Jada surprised me with it this morning.”

“Nice,” Hailey said as she admired it.

“Whatever you do today, don’t bend over,” I told Lyla and smirked.

Lyla took out some pink lip gloss and a little mirror. She applied the lip gloss and smacked her lips. “I’ll be careful who I bend over in front of. An Audi? What does he do for a living? Mafia boss?”

“Please,” I snorted. “Tanner isn’t cool enough to be a mafia boss.”

“He doesn’t make that kind of money owning a little bistro,” Hailey agreed.

“His parents are rich. Besides, he owns more than just the bistro. The bistro is just the one I wanted to work at,” I said.

The girls dropped it after that.

“I’m guessing things went well with Aiden last night?” Corrina asked Lyla.

Lyla flipped her silky blonde hair over her shoulder and gave us her devious smile. Her blue eyes were more pronounced thanks to the bright eye shadow she wore. “It couldn’t have gone better,” she gushed.

“Oh my god, did you do it?” I gasped.

Lyla rolled her eyes. “Please, Lottie. You should know by now, I don’t give it up until at least the third date. I need at least a little commitment.” She turned to me and winked.

I laughed. “You’re something else, you know that?”

She blew a bubble with her pink bubble gum.

Hailey popped it with her pencil and laughed when Lyla gave her a playful shove.

We made it into the school. There were at least fifteen minutes before the bell would ring. Before we made it to the hall, a football flew past our faces. Lyla gasped and dramatically spun around to see the culprit. Her face went from bitch face to shock to admiration. “Oh, it’s you,” she said flirtatiously. She flipped her hair back and smiled.

Aiden was walking toward us with a smirk on his face. Aiden was the captain of the football team. He just got out of a serious relationship with Alyssa Taylor, the most popular girl in school. Alyssa was getting a little upset at Lyla’s rising popularity.

“Not me,” he corrected and threw the football back at his best friend, Jacob. “Watch where you’re throwing dickhead you almost hit my girl.”

“Your girl?” Lyla asked and arched a brow. She was laying it on thick. I made a gagging sound at her, and she gave me a side glare, which made me chuckle.

“Definitely,” he said and leaned in to kiss her.

“Okay, I threw up a little in my mouth. Can we get to class?” I asked.

“Stop being such a bitch, Lottie,” Lyla said.

“She’s just jealous,” Aiden said and smiled at me.

“Ha,” I snorted. “In your dreams, lover boy.”

The bell rang, making Hailey jump. “We’re going to be late.”

“Oh no,” Corrina mocked her.

“I have a perfect attendance record, and I’m not going to let you fools ruin it. You know what my mother will do to me,” Hailey said, and then she took off sprinting down the hall, leaving us laughing at her.

“Alright, I suppose. I have Mrs. Cochran, and she said if I’m late one more time, I’m getting detention. And I’d much rather hang out with you tonight than her,” Lyla said and tapped Aiden on the nose with her pointer finger. She pecked him on the lips and headed for her locker.

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “So how did it go with Jordan?” I asked Corrina.

“Incredible,” she said and sighed. “His parents are super nice. Their anniversary party was actually kind of fun, and I didn’t expect that, to be honest.” She shrugged. “Usually old people’s stuff is boring.”

“Very true,” I agreed.

“See you at lunch,” Corrina waved and headed for her locker.

I grabbed my Spanish book from my locker and started down the still crowded hall, but I stopped dead in my tracks and fumbled to catch my book and notebook before they could hit the floor and expose me. He didn’t see me as he walked into Spanish class. A couple of girls behind him were staring at me as if I were bat shit crazy as I stared in shock.

There was no possible way that I could go into that classroom. I could feel my face burning up, and I suddenly felt like I might throw up. I turned on the heel of my black boot so fast that my extra-long black cardigan flew out behind me as I dashed back around the corner, petrified of him seeing me. There was no way I could have mistaken him. I never thought I would see him again. Other than growing taller from age, he hadn’t changed, and from the glimpse I caught of his face, he didn’t look like he wanted to be here any more than I wanted him here.

This has to be a bad dream—I thought as I dashed back up the hallway I had just come down, and refused to even take the chance of looking behind me to see if I was being followed. I threw my book into the locker and went to the office. I would fake sick and go home—anything to get me the hell out of here. I wondered if it was too late to take Jada and Tanner up on their offer to switch schools because there was no way I was going to be in the same school as Nicholas Delaney. If he saw me for even a second, he would tear me apart.