Simula
Simula
Beads of sweat are rushing through the tip of my hair and I feel like my hands are swollen upon pulling up and down the long rope. Alone in this large gym, I exclaimed loudly as I gave my all in working out.
This is my escape. My only way of letting go of burdens that are heavy on my chest. When I’m stressed, this is my relief. When I feel pain, this is how I release all that.
Sa dami ng problemang kinakaharap ko, dito ako palaging napapadpad. Dito ko nararamdaman na kahit paano, gumagaan ang bigat na pasan ko.
“Kaya ko ito. Malalagpasan ko rin ito,” I whispered to myself as I began to go for another session, this time, I’ll be focusing on my strength.
Binuhos ko ang lahat ng natitirang oras sa pagwo-workout. Ginawa ko ang lahat ng kaya ko—hindi para sa katawan lang, kundi para tahimik ang isip ko, kahit saglit
I did what I was told but my parents still got mad at me. Even when my heart is aching, ginawa ko pa rin ang kagustuhan nila. Even when I sacrificed my happiness, I still followed what they tell me to do because they were my parents and I thought it would satisfy them if I left him.
But no...
They are still mad at me. And I don’t know how to tame them anymore. I’m just so tired of pleasing them. How long will I keep following them? Buong buhay ko sinusunod ko lahat ng mga gusto nila dahil mahal na mahal ko sila. Pero bakit ganoon—sila pa itong galit na galit sa akin?
Panting because of my outburst, I placed the dumbbells back on the rack and sat on the wooden chair placed at the left corner of the room. Napatingin ako sa cellphone kong nakapatong sa lamesa at binuhay ito ngunit ni isa ay wala man lang ni isang mensahe o tawag mula sa kanila.
I checked my last conversation with Blake, but his final message was from two days ago. I couldn’t contact him anymore. Maybe he blocked me. I can’t blame him. I was a coward, and it didn’t help that I had to choose between two things. Ayaw na ayaw ko ’yung pinapapili ako sa gitna ng dalawang bagay na parehong mahalaga—dahil palagi akong nauuwi sa maling desisyon.
Napatingin ako sa malaking wall clock at nakita kong alas tres na pala ng hapon. Yet I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t even want to visit my friend’s house, afraid they might not resist telling on me. My mind was set earlier while I was preoccupied. I stood up, changed my clothes, packed my things, and finally grabbed my car keys beside my phone.
Wearing a white spaghetti-strap dress, I quietly left the gym, ignoring the blank stares of people from other rooms as I passed by.
I went straight to my BMW, started the engine, and drove to a place far from anyone who knew me. The clothes I brought would be enough. Every time I go to the gym, I always bring extra clothes in my travel bag. Doon na lang muna ako magpapalipas ng gabi. Hindi ko muna bubuksan ang social media. Gusto kong makapag-isip ng maayos—ayaw kong istorbohin ang katahimikan na matagal ko nang hinahanap.
I arrived at my destination earlier than usual. I drove too fast—imbes na tatlo at kalahating oras ang byahe papunta dito ay naging dalawang oras nalang.
It was the countryside, far from the polluted city. Green trees and flowers welcomed me as I entered. This felt like paradise. Since childhood, I always hang out with my friend at lagi naming pinipiling puntahan ang ganitong klaseng mala-paraisong lugar. Pakiramdam ko, natutunaw ang lahat ng problema ko sa tuwing nakikita ko ang ganitong tanawin. This is a place I want to live in. Kung pwede ko lang itong dalhin malapit sa amin, matagal ko na sanang ginawa.
I marveled at the surroundings, but I also felt eyes watching me. When I turned, I saw a man staring. Who was he, and why was this the first time I’d seen him?
He looked like a grumpy lion, ready to make me his prey. Well, he was handsome, his tanned body built like he lived in the gym—stronger even than my coach. Oh wait… did I just check him out? Nakakahiya.
“Hi!” with a smile and waving hands, I greeted him and began to ask a question but this man’s rude and walked pass me. Muntik pa akong mabunggo dahil sobrang lapad ng katawan niya nang magkalapit kami. Nabitin tuloy sa ere ang sasabihin ko.
I froze for a moment, trying to calm myself as anger boiled inside me. Napaka-walanghiya naman no’n! Akala mo kung sinong gwapo… pero...gwapo nga naman talaga. Ay, ano ba itong iniisip ko?
Breathing heavily, I continued walking until I found my room and when I finally got there, I placed my things down and lay on the bed, staring blankly as I replayed the day. It had been long enough, and that man only added to it. Who was he?
I fell asleep wondering about him. When I woke up, I arranged my belongings, showered, and dressed in a simple white dress.
The fabric felt light against my skin, almost fragile, as if it carried the weight of my thoughts. I brushed my hair slowly, letting the silence of the room sink in. The air smelled faintly of wood and fresh linen, and for a moment, I felt like I was somewhere far from the chaos of my life.
I opened the window and let the breeze in. Napakalamig ng hangin, parang pinapawi ang init ng ulo at bigat ng dibdib ko. I stood there quietly, watching the leaves sway, listening to the faint hum of crickets. It was the kind of peace I had been craving for weeks.
Still, his face lingered in my mind—the sharp stare, the way he walked past me without a word. Sino ba talaga siya? At bakit parang may bigat ang mga mata niya? I tried to shake the thought away, but it clung to me like a shadow.
I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at my phone. No new messages. No calls. Just silence. Tahimik ang mundo ko ngayon, at sa katahimikan na ito, mas malinaw kong naririnig ang sarili kong tinig.
I thought of my parents again, of Blake, of the choices I had made. The weight of it all pressed down on me, but here, in this quiet place, I could finally breathe. Maybe this was what I needed—to be alone, to be away, to let the noise fade until only my own heartbeat remained.
I stepped out onto the veranda to breathe in the fresh air. I hadn’t noticed it earlier, too embarrassed to look around when I first arrived. Now, I lifted my gaze to the dark sky, scattered with glittering stars, and let the silence wrap around me. Napakatahimik. Mas malinaw ang isip ko kapag ganito katahimik ang paligid.
I thought of my parents, my sibling, and my friend. For a fleeting moment, I wanted to call them, to tell them where I was. But then I remembered my peace—how calm, how weightless life felt when they weren’t near me.
I lingered there, stepping out once more, and the stars seemed brighter, scattered above me like tiny lanterns guiding the night. Napakaganda ng kalangitan—parang paalala na kahit gaano kabigat ang dinadala ko, may liwanag pa ring nakakalat sa paligid.
And as I stood there, I whispered to myself: “Maybe tomorrow, I’ll understand. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be stronger.”
For the past weeks, my life had been devastated. I was constantly disappointed with the people around me. Parang kahit anong gawin nila, hindi ako nagiging masaya—lagi lang akong nadidismaya. And now, finally living alone here, maybe for once I could allow myself to disconnect from them and think only of myself.
