Chapter 1 - FINGER-NO-JUTSU
For over four months now, what seems to be a daily practice is this: I pack my stuff after the close of work, head home, relax, take my bath, and head out to the local restaurant right outside my street, about half a kilometre from my house, an 8 to 10 minute walk depending on my mood.
It is not always the best walk.
You've probably heard of a walk of shame and perhaps other types of walks, but this—this! This is something else.
First, it starts with the line up of busybodies, male and female, who do not shy away from sharing their personal opinions on my ripeness for marriage.
Then it graduates to the constant questions from the uninvited audience of my life, which often warrant my soliloquized whispers of “nunya business,” and then to their well aimed obiters headed straight for my ego, an example of the last being the “Bachelor wan go grind pepper” comment.
Little does everyone know that I have actually used a ninja technique on them: “Shadow Reversal Technique! Kage no gyakuten!”
All of these are merely cover ups, meant to disguise the real intention behind this walk, which is the furtherance of my training as a Ninja Bachelor.
You see, after my food is packaged, I am handed the bag (nylon), and with my middle finger, I carry this bag for 8 to 10 minutes, switching between my middle fingers.
It is a very strenuous and uncomfortable act, filled with aching pain in both fingers, in training for what is popularly known among ninjas as “Finger no jutsu.”
“Finger no jutsu” is a technique that is long lost in the teenage years, abandoned as we grow older and begin to yearn for more.
It was an act for those times when the slightest things negotiated successfully with the urges of boyhood, and when even a properly triangulated bump may provoke street cred worthy reactions.
But as a boy becomes a man and discovers the limits beyond the skies, and rigorous digital penetration, among many other joys of a sexually active male human, no longer satisfies his soul, the Order steps in to educate him on the need to train his mind and fingers, obviously allowing him to stay longer on the field of foreplay, and one such education is Finger no jutsu.
And so, my training began four months ago.
It became necessary after years of failed or voidable attempts at digital entries, particularly with partners of high calories and stiffer skeletons who, due to no fault of theirs, render this work of art something that easily becomes tiring, unenjoyable, and, if we are being crude, “My fingers hurt, bitch! Open your thick legs wider!”
But no, we are gentlemen here, and instead we say, “Darling girl, I fear my hand grows rather cramped. Pray, would you do me the inestimable favour of granting me a touch more room betwixt those exquisite legs?”
It therefore became a matter of utmost importance that I put in very significant time into training not just my mind but the muscles that have slept inactive beneath my fingers.
So, when the busybodies stare and ask silly questions, I smile, knowing deep within me, “Body go tell” the next victim.
And as I step onto that path again, bag in hand, middle finger flexed, I know something the world has yet to understand.
I am a warrior.
The Ninja Bachelor.
