Bullet is out of Pistol.
19th December.
Since the wedding preparation has started, I have been feeling that I am losing myself bit by bit.
At first, it started with two-person operation and ended up being everyone’s operation.
I had just two days left for my exam, and all of a sudden, it was said that we need to book the wedding hall now, otherwise we might not get the hall for our date. I still feel that it was a FOMO that was created purposefully.
Since then, I never relaxed.
So, one evening, two days before my exams I went on hunt with my mother. There is no sight of father work here, because we cannot depend of him for anything. That is another story altogether. For now, know this. We cannot rely on my father.
While searching, accidentally we got ‘The Hall’. I could see us, and myself getting married there. Within our budget, and also within our spending capacity. Within our range. So, the next day we booked it.
I wanted Shiv to be with me. Instead, my college-mate, my brother, Suraj came. We spoke, checked, imagined and booked. On the same day, we went on the hunt for Engagement Hall too.
Shiv was on online support. He was there online. Supported me the best he could online. After hunting for hours, we also got our Engagement Hall, within our budget and our preferences.
For my mother, Suraj, Shiv, the major work was done and they casually said to me that now, you focus on the exams. I couldn’t relax a bit. Because booking of hall made everything happening around me real. And I needed some time to process them.
I was now stuck between processing and exam pressure. Which only turned into fever. I had continuous tiredness and fever, which made me skip the exams altogether. No one’s fault but mine for not able to handle the situation well.
I always blame myself for it. I couldn’t handle the pressure, I ran away. My next 6 months were wasted. Since the wedding is in the June, next 12 months are wasted. I completely delayed my career.
I am not regretting on what happened, I delayed something which is important to me due to wedding.
If shiv was on my place, he could have postponed the wedding instead of the attempt. That was his answer when I asked him, what you would have done.
Then I knew, I had started to settle for less, losing myself, and compromising my individual life in the name of wedding.
But now, it was too late.
The bullet is out of the pistol.
Now, either I can dodge it or take it in.
