Save me

Monotony, that’s what my days had become, I looked at myself in the elevator doors without being able to recognize myself, who was that person that the mirror was giving me back? I’m almost sure it wasn’t me, not the one I remember, not the one I want to get back, as my days have gotten harder with the passing of time.

I wanted someone to be able to notice how I felt, but all I was getting was pitying looks, it’s been like this ever since I ended our relationship, was I the only one he loved? Because it was so easy for him to tell me to leave him alone, and every time I called him, he just raised his horn to tell me to get over it.

At first, I thought I could get him back. Then I realized that was just what I wanted because he didn’t want that anymore.

I remember, a few months ago, I quoted him in a coffee shop; maybe it was my insistence that made him give in, that he gave me an opportunity to talk to him.

I used to be the least punctual, not because I liked it, but because it was something I couldn’t help anymore, and I was always rushing to our dates. However, on this occasion that I decided to arrive early, I realized the reason why he no longer wanted to have another chance with me. He had someone else, someone who didn’t bother him if he opened the door for him to get out of the car when he scolded me many times for doing it.

That became the worst day of my life, it was the one that I had to accept that I had to say goodbye. But it was so difficult, that’s how my days lost hope that we would be together again, but, what did I expect? That he would jump into my arms as soon as he saw me? Yes, I expected that, however, that image told me it was something that would never happen.

I hear someone yelling at me to please stop the elevator, I do.

I see a young man with black hair running into it with several bags in hand and a backpack that looks heavy.

I try not to pay attention to him, not while I keep sinking into my misery, wondering about what I did wrong for him to leave me, what was missing with me? Because, as much as I asked him; he didn’t answer me, and I keep waiting for him to come back to me, even realizing that he won’t, why do I want to lie to myself?, several months have passed, I should assume that nothing will ever be the same. But, why can’t I?

I feel a pair of arms around me that take me out of my thoughts, and now I see the young man from before close to my body, he smiles at me revealing his beautiful white teeth and, his features seem to become those of a small child who has just mischief, and that red nose he has put on makes his action look like one.

I try to pull away, but he only holds me tighter.

“Hugs heal everything” he says still smiling “and you’re in luck, today I’m giving hugs.”

He shows me a poster that says he gives hugs and, for a moment I want to smile sincerely; not the fake smile I’ve learned to put on my lips to not worry the people around me, to not give pity, although when I return to my apartment, things go back to the way they were before. I’m not happy; all I want is this pain to go away, what should I do to make it?

“I’m Theo” he says, letting me go “I live on the next floor and... I give hugs every day.”

That last one makes me smile as I step out of the elevator because I don’t think I’ve ever met such a strange guy before, someone who wouldn’t have minded if I beat him up for hugging me without my permission.

What can I say, I think today has not been another day of my monotonous life, he has made me smile and left me with a pleasant feeling; as if that was what I needed: for someone to notice that I’m not okay, but without looking at me with pity.

He did that in a way that I can’t explain.

Although the feeling didn’t last forever, not when I entered my apartment and the memories are present again, because I see our photographs that I have refused to take down, still hoping that he will come back, even knowing that he won’t, and I return to my depressed state in which my thoughts slowly consume me, telling myself that I was not enough, that I am not, that is why I was abandoned by the person I loved the most.

Theo, yes, that’s the name of the one who was my neighbor for a month, my neighbor who give hugs every day in the elevator, and well, apparently not everyone could be nice to the guy when he gave hugs.

For example, Mrs. Oh, from the third floor, hit him with her umbrella, and Theo came out of the elevator complaining, telling her that he only gave hugs to make people feel better, that he wasn’t a pervert, as I imagine the woman called him.

He seems funny and... I’ve gotten three hugs from him this month, besides lots of smiles when we don’t see each other in the elevator. Although the day Mrs. Oh hit him, I could have gotten one more hug, if a two-year-old girl who also seems to be new in the building, hadn’t gotten in the way taking my hug and lots of kisses on her cheek.

My days are always the same: I go to work, I complete my eight hours there, and then I return home by bus. That’s a routine I picked up after I sold my car as a way to forget about him, though I can’t say it worked for me, and it’s uncomfortable to ride in that transport.

But I thought it would distract me from my thoughts that won’t go away, that turn more and more against me, that have made me think crazy things, and that I try to push them out of my mind. However, they don’t go away easily, and the psychologist has said that it is I who does not let myself move forward, however, I don’t know where to go, I feel lost.

The bus pulls up to one of the stops, and it seems that since Theo moved into the building, it will be the one I’ll see quite often in my days.

He comes up wearing his clown nose and a poster that says he gives hugs, that he charges for kisses and, I can’t help but smile at that, does he work somewhere with that poster? I mean, his clothes aren’t very flashy, nor does his face have a lot of makeup, only on his cheeks there are some red circles and freckles painted on them.

I see him exchanging words with the driver, who tells him that it is not allowed to ask for money inside the bus, but Theo shows him his ticket and promises that he will not disturb the passengers, that he is only using the transport to go back home, until he makes a pinky promise to the driver who looks at him like he’s gone crazy.

Theo stands next to me, since there are no more seats and, he seems to recognize me, because a smile quickly spreads across his lips and he doesn’t look away, making me feel a little uncomfortable, what does he pretend with that?

“Are you going home, Aldair?” He mutters arranging his backpack on his shoulder.

I nod, hoping that it will be enough answer and he will move further back since there is space, although there are several passengers standing, but this day I feel more tired than others, so I don’t want to be the kind man that everyone expects me to be, and giving up my seat I don’t see it as an option.

“Would you mind?”

Theo doesn’t expect an answer from me as he places his backpack on my lap, as well as his poster, arranging a bit of his black hair to move it off from his forehead, but it comes back into place, making him pant and lose his balance, luckily for him, he is holding one of the seat tubes, and if not, he could have gone to keep the driver company.

“Be careful, little clown alive on board, and he wants to live, but he’s standing and he could die!” he yells at the driver.

Several people turn their heads to see him, and I cringe in my seat, hoping they don’t relate me with him, even though I have his backpack and poster over me. Although I was able to return it to him, I didn’t, because the backpack is heavy for him to carry it on his shoulders if he is standing.

At the next stop several people get off, but it seems that the double get in, however, Theo who doesn’t move from my side, doesn’t look as comfortable as before, making me wonder about what is bothering him, and it seems that from the first day we met, he knows how to read me, because he leans a little towards me, half whispering and speaking loudly, he says:

“My love, the sir behind me, has been groping me since a block ago.”

Several people turn to look at him again and, the man who was behind him, moves uncomfortably as I watch him. It doesn’t seem to be a lie from Theo, actually, he looks mad with that man’s action, and maybe it’s the first time I’ve seen him this way.

I don’t know if Theo has been pretending that I get up from my seat since he get in and gave me his things, but I do, I give him my seat and I’m the one who holds on to the tube to not fall, seeing how he pretends to sit before looking at a woman a few steps from us and, giving her the seat.

Theo has his backpack and poster back over his shoulder, looking really uncomfortable with everything he’s carrying. Maybe in a long time, it’s the first time that I really want to help someone, so I take his poster so that he can hold better onto the tube and not fall.

We don’t spend a lot of time standing when we have to get off near the building we live in. Theo walks silently beside me, still wearing his nose that I don’t understand why he hasn’t taken off because it attracts the attention of people walking nearby, but he seems comfortable with it.

“Aldair.” His voice is cheerful, it always is.

“Uh…” I make a sound so he understands that I hear him.

“I invite you to have dinner tonight at my house.”

I stop my steps as if he’s gone crazy for making that sudden invitation, but he doesn’t seem to see it as a bad thing, because his mischievous boy’s smile is still present, even if I start walking again without giving him an answer.

“I don’t think it’s right” I say in a firm voice so that he understands that I don’t want to accept.

“Why?”

“Because…”

My words stop when I see a person standing in front of me. Someone I know well; who seems to have gotten more handsome with the passing of the months. For a moment my heart beats very fast as if it were giving its last beats before dying.

“Aldair…” I see him smile in front of me, yes, he has become more beautiful.

“Ma… Malu” I murmur.

He smiles at me and, for a moment, I think everything is back to the way it was before, but something inside me tells me it’s not like that, and when I see the same white car in which I saw him arrive at the coffee shop, it’s a confirmation for me that he hasn’t come back, not forever as I would like.

“I wanted to give you this” he tells me with a small smile.

I take the envelope he gives me and immediately open it, reading what it is about.

It’s an invitation to his wedding. He’s getting married, and I haven’t even over him. I feel like the day he left, everything is collapsing around me. He has been able to move on without me, while I have stayed on the same page.

“I also wanted to invite you to the rehearsal dinner” his voice pulls me out of my own world “I was calling you, but your secretary said you were busy, or you weren’t in the office.”

Most likely it’s that I was available, however, when I saw him with another man in the coffee shop, I asked my secretary not to pass me any call from him, I wanted to get over him. I think it’s the only thing I’ve done right so far.

But Malu has come and ruined it once again, reminding me again that he won’t come back and that I’m alone, that all I’m doing is being pitiful.

“The dinner is tonight at eight o’clock, I wanted to tell you before, but I know that if I left you a message, you wouldn’t listen to it, and if I sent you the invitation by mail, you wouldn’t see it. I hope you attend.”

I can’t answer, I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to see him happy with someone else, as selfish as that sounds. Did Malu want to destroy me? What was that so bad that I did to him for him to hurt me so much? Is he not aware?

I’m not aware that I’m shivering until my hand is held by one smaller than mine, and my eyes focus on Theo’s browns, who isn’t smiling like always, but looks worried and mad, not even at the bus when he said someone was touching him, he didn’t look as angry as he does now, what’s up with him?

“I hope there’s space for two persons” Theo tells him, his usual smile is gone.

Malu looks at him confused, then looks at me, it seems that he is asking me for an explanation and, I am proud to know that there is something that bothers him, is it even fair that he invites me to his wedding and his rehearsal dinner? when I’m his ex-boyfriend?

“Well, I… who are you?”

“Aldair’s new boyfriend.”

Theo smiles, it’s not the same smile that he shows to the people of the building every day.

“Aldair…”

Malu looks at me demanding an explanation; then he seems to remember that we are nothing anymore, that we broke up a long time ago, maybe I should give him the invitation to his wedding so that he remembers that he is the one who is going to get married.

“I didn’t know Aldair was dating someone” he tries to smile “I just saved a spot for him at dinner tonight.”

“You could put one more chair” Theo shrugs “I don’t think squeezing us a bit at the table would be uncomfortable.”

Malu looks at him as if he had said something terrible, and knowing him, it is. The table must have the exact places, the number of dishes must also be, and one more mouth would ruin the perfect dinner that he should have been arranged.

“I think it’s time to go.”

He turns and starts walking to the white car where his boyfriend is waiting for him, I can see him well now.

“Aldair” he says before getting in “I’d really like you to attend.”

And that was a way of saying that he wanted me, but not Theo. Strangely I am feeling victorious over him.

But when I find my neighbor frowning, I remember how he got into a conversation that was just mine, and I start to feel furious, because if he hadn’t, maybe I could have talked more with Malu.

“Don’t say it” he speaks before I can even open my mouth “I invited you to dinner first and you practically reject me; he comes, destroys you, and builds a path of flowers for him, it’s not fair.”

Theo snatches the poster out of my hands and walks furiously toward the elevator; I think it’s the first time I’ve seen him like this, and I could have waited for the elevator to go down again, but I’m a bit carefree behind him, with no intention of reaching it, if the doors close in my face I wouldn’t care.

I don’t know at what moment between me and getting to the elevator, he encounters the two-year-old girl, who now wipes his tears, because Theo is crying, and she hugs him as if that was the last hug she was going to give in her life.

I feel guilty seeing him cry, although I don’t know if they are tears of anger or sadness, I’m not like him, I can’t read through people, I don’t give hugs to strangers. We are so different.

The atmosphere in the elevator becomes tense and I want to say something as we go up, but I’m not even able to press my floor number button, but I follow Theo’s, seeing how the little girl doesn’t seem to want to let go of his neck, will they know each other? Or does she have so much confidence in him in such a short time that she has been living here?

The elevator doors open and Theo, with difficulty, picks up his backpack and poster that he has left on the floor, releasing the little girl who runs to the first door and hits it with her fist; her blonde hair tails move in a funny way as the door opens and a woman with the same hair color take her up in arms and looks to our direction for a few seconds before returning her attention to the little girl.

“Aldair, you are no longer invited to dinner” Theo tells me in a sullen tone.

“Theo!” The woman scolds him.

“If the food makes you sick, I’m not responsible” He still sounds mad.

I know he doesn’t want me in his house, his voice and his words make it clear, but I don’t know what I’m doing when I follow him out of the elevator, maybe I want to stop thinking about Malu’s invitation, that he’s getting married, and close to Theo I have learned to feel comfortable, maybe because it seems that he is not afraid to say what he feels, or because he does not look at me with pity.

He lets me in first into the apartment, I see two kids running around; Theo seems to have forgotten his anger by running to them and joining in a game of reaching one another. There is also a young man of perhaps the same age as Theo, only he is darker-skinned and taller, a sir who I imagine is his father, the woman from before and the little girl; they are a numerous family.

Seeing them all makes me think how uncomfortable it must be for them at bedtime, since the apartments only have three rooms, because they’re all the same, even though this place seems warmer than mine.

“Theo.”

The older man calls him out and the younger man stops playing with the kids.

“Dad” he kisses his cheek, smiling.

“Do you want to explain who is the man who looks at us as if we were strangers?”

It seems that he intended to say it in a low voice, but he knows perfectly well that I have heard him, his look on me betrays him, was the whole family like that? So strange, so kind, so warm.

“It’s Aldair” Theo says “the downstairs neighbor.”

“Is that Aldair?”

His voice hints at something I ignore, or want to.

“Yes.”

A shy smile appears on Theo’s lips.

“And when did you ask us for permission to bring your boyfriend home?”

“Dad!” he starts to complain.

And before I know it, he has already fled into one of the rooms, leaving me standing there in the middle of the living room, watching the children play, a young man who looks at me as if he hates me just like the man in the sofa, is it the time to start running for my life? Or maybe I should let them kill me? In that way, I would stop being miserable.

I know I’m not the nicest person when I say goodbye, I make a bow and walk out of the apartment, almost running to the elevator, with a strange feeling in my chest. Theo has a whole family, his apartment even though it has the same structure as mine, it feels warmer, and he always seems to have a happy atmosphere around him; as if the sun is constantly shining on him, while I always seem to have a black cloud hanging over me.

I try not to think about Theo, I try not to think about Malu’s dinner, and I don’t know the exact moment I fall asleep, the only thing I remember is that minutes, or maybe hours later, the door of my apartment is being banged on. Still being sleepy, I open it, finding myself with a shy smile and some bowls of food in front of me.

“Aldair, you left before dinner was even ready.”

His face isn’t wearing any makeup or that red nose he got on the bus with, and I take a few minutes to react and grab the containers, stepping aside like an invitation to my apartment.

“If you wait a moment, I’ll return them to you immediately.”

Theo doesn’t say anything but follows me closely into the kitchen, where I transfer the food to another container and start to wash them so I can return them to him, hoping I’m not being too rude, but I still can’t fully wake up from sleep.

“I thought you went to the rehearsal dinner” he says.

Theo cleans a non-existent stain on the counter.

“You just woke me up.”

A sad smile appears on his lips, and when I turn around he is only a few steps away from me. I grab a kitchen towel to dry the containers, however, even before I try, they’re snatched from my hands and placed on the counter, and within seconds Theo’s lips are on mine. It’s a slow kiss, one I don’t reciprocate at first, but I let go of the sensation, of how it feels, of how different it is from the kisses that are still in my mind.

“Theo” I say separating myself from him when one of his hands goes inside my shirt “this isn’t right.”

“I’m legal” he whispers “so they won’t put you in jail if we keep going.”

I’m not sure what he means at this moment, but I let myself be kissed one more time, I allow Theo to do with me what he wants, it’s as if I’ve given myself as a puppet to a new puppeteer, but this one seems to give me options to do what I want, not just what he says.

Theo unties me from the knots that my former owner made or is it just the feeling of having him next to me, of feeling his surrender to me with each kiss, with each caress, as if he gave me the confidence not to feel afraid when he touches me when he asks me to make love to him.

I am a bad person who has been hurt. I know this because instead of stopping I let myself go, letting Theo’s hands takes my shirt away, his lips taking over mine, dragging me into the room I once shared with Malu.

Maybe I never should have let him in the apartment, that way I would have kept us safe from me, I’m not the best thing that could happen to Theo, in fact, I’m the worst, I have a lot of loads that I can’t let go of, and he knows it very well.

“Aldair” he murmurs in a halting voice when he’s under my body “let me save you.”

And maybe it’s a phrase I should hear, I need to be saved from something I can’t control, from something that has been absorbing me and that I don’t even know, that not even the psychologist can help me, but he seemed to know what I needed from that first hug in the elevator, and with every kiss I get tonight it reminds me, because I’ve been silently screaming for help, and Theo feels like he’s come to save me.

I still have a little conscience, I know that we must stop; his hands feel so good when they caress me, his lips are kind to me, and even though he is the one in control of all this, I feel like he gives me options, which for tonight I don’t want to take. It’s not just Theo giving himself up anymore, it’s me doing it too, giving him control, letting go of feeling sorry for myself, allowing myself to feel alive…even if it’s only for today.