Situation-ships

“I sent him a fake picture.

Yeah… I know how that sounds.

But let me start from the beginning.”

Today was my last day of high school… and I don’t feel proud. Not even a little:

Here we are, my friends! I can barely believe that this is the last day of the high school year! There were so many things I wanted to do in it, but I blinked and the three years were over without me doing anything, and being like I always used to be: that obedient girl.

My three besties and I were discussing the idea of going out after school when I got a phone call from Mommy (she’s the cutest person on earth and the best at making pancakes, for real).

“Little baby, congratulations on your last day, sweetheart!”

I thanked her.

“We are all here to celebrate you. Come quickly and bring some cupcakes with you; we’re waiting for you, sweetie. Bye!”

Before I could say anything, she hung up. So my hangout got ruined because of some cupcakes? Just GREAT.

I apologized to my friends, but to be honest with you guys, I didn’t feel like hanging out at clubs. I mean… (I never tried it, actually. But still!) I couldn’t bring myself to it.

I happily got strawberry cupcakes from the store in front of our house, thinking: did I waste my high school years by not trying new things and always staying on the safe side??

Nina! My baby!

Mom pulled me into a tight hug, and I was smiling, holding the cupcakes and some snacks. I mean… how could any teenager prefer late nights and drinking and make this beautiful nature upset?? (I’m trying to comfort myself!)

She made a beautiful table full of my favorite Korean food. Dad, my 15-year-old brother, and my 24-year-old sister were all sitting at the table, eating gluttonously, when Mom said loudly and with purpose:

“Oh, my friend’s teenagers are driving her crazy. If she’s not always on the phone with them, they get themselves into horrible trouble. Right, Nina?”

Look, we’re definitely mother and daughter—I was saying that right in the morning.

But I couldn’t understand what she meant by “Right, Nina?” Like, I appreciate that she’s worried about me, but couldn’t she make it less obvious?

I laughed to myself, swallowed the last piece of the Korean fried chicken, and answered:

“Yes, of course!”

After that, I thanked all of them and ran to my room. I jumped onto the bed and started writing in my diary. I’ll write my diary here—you won’t tell anyone, right?

:

Today I finished high school, and to be honest, I don’t think I’m ready for college.

Like… will the girl who was quiet and had only three friends in high school ever be ready?

I always canceled plans, said no to clubs, to drinking, to having a boyfriend—I even said no to any trips or plans outside family, and I still do!!

If I continue this way, my life will be MISERABLE IN COLLEGE!!

Okay, wait, wait. Let’s not freak out. Take a deep breath. I’ve always been known as an organized person who makes lists for everything. So why not make a little list about: HOW TO BE THAT GIRL BEFORE COLLEGE??

It seems like a good idea to actually change… will it work??

Okay, let’s get into it.

Lists to be that girl before college:

•Changing my clothes style.

•Put more makeup.

•Go out more with friends.

•Actually go to a night out.

•Maybe...try to have a boyfriend?

Maybe I’ll add some more later. But as a beginning? It’s great!

Well, I don’t think that last step would work on me. Like… I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even talked to a single boy! Well… maybe just three… or four?? (Okay, I’ll reveal my teeny tiny secrets, but you won’t judge, right?)

It’s always online situation-ships or summer talking stages… but unfortunately, never real. I can hear you guys saying, ‘What? online relationships? That’s weird.’ And you’re right—it is a bit strange… but it was my experience anyway.”

Last summer, I was in an online exchange program. I barely remember what we even did there, honestly, but I met a guy named Leo (Landon).

We talked a lot and had so many things in common, despite the four-year age gap between us. Day by day, talking to each other became a must in my day—my day wouldn’t be complete without him.

With every conversation, we got to know each other more, and you could feel the passion we had to discover one another.

He always got me blushing at his texts, especially when he texts me at midnight or something like:

“Nina, are you sleeping? I missed you!”

He always impressed me with his boldness in expressing his feelings.

After about two months of casual talks and talking about our days, we actually started to get into each other’s lives. To the point that one time, he didn’t even hesitate to tell me about a fight he had with his family… and he told only me about it!

“Nina, I’m really upset… can we talk?” he texted me suddenly in the middle of the day, even though we had already talked that morning.

“Of course, tell me.” (He was always welcome in my day—I used to leave anything behind when we were both active and talking.)

“I was in a family gathering this morning. My mom kept talking about me during lunch when everybody was literally there.

She was complaining about how bad I am at everything except nonsense, and that I’m not good at anything, and that my silence won’t get me anywhere in the end.

Nina, that really hurt me, because you know this is such a big struggle for me—that I’m afraid I’ll end up being nothing!

I left in the middle of the gathering after I raised my voice at all of them, and now I’m sitting by the beach, thinking about who I could talk to… and you were the first one that came to my mind.”

“Of course, I’m the most important person in your life!” I joked.

“Yeah, actually… you’re not wrong!”

At that moment, I told him to go back to the family gathering, apologize, and continue the day with them so his mom wouldn’t be upset—and that otherwise, he’d just be proving their point that he’s still not mature. I kept convincing him until he finally agreed, went back, and even sent me a picture from there

(he was totally fineee!).

That was basically our relationship—we shared everything and knew everything about each other. Things that even the people who live with us in real life don’t know about us.

But to each other… we were like a safe place.

It never felt fake or unreal talking to him, especially. It was actually so fun and safe. We even talked about our opinions on deep conspiracy theories, and even our family problems and our opinion about their character...And we end up being on the same opinion!.

We were so involved in each other’s lives all summer long....And no doubt, it was the best summers I'll never forget... Because of him!

All things got confusing when he told me that he sucks at texting and calling and wants to see a picture of me at least. He was showing me a picture of himself, and oh my God, he was so handsome that I thought it was AI or something! He was so tall and buff, with GREAT smooth golden hair and his green eyes... just wow.

Back then, I didn’t know whether I was beautiful according to men’s standards (mhm, you know that age when we all think about that and feel insecure, but you shouldn’t anyway).

I tried to capture some good photos. My almond-shaped Asian eyes, my thick and very black hair, my pear-shaped body— all of that I was insecure about, honestly. And the idea that Leo might cut me off, and that our beautiful friendship or relationship or whatever it was would be gone because of how I look compared to that handsome guy, made me sick.

So, I gave him a fake picture (I know it’s crazy and I’m so sorry about it, but it was such an upgraded version of me!).

Our thing continued and was even better, but the option that we would meet was never really an option for me, and you know why. So I kept it online, and nothing more.

After 6 months of talking and becoming important people in each other’s lives, I started to feel drained. He kept telling me that I’m beautiful and like an angel and definitely his type. Honestly, I started to feel jealous of a person I created. I was in a horrible loop every time we talked. And instead of Leo being the person I felt most comfortable with, I felt anxious every time we texted.

On a random night, I wrote him an apology message but never explained the reason, and disappeared from his life. Even though no places ever brought us together, and our eyes had never met, after that decision—the decision to disappear from his life and end this thing that had started to affect me negatively—I spent a long time in pain because of it. I missed him so much.

This is what happens when you get used to someone in the wrong way.

At that time, I realized how he wasn’t just a part of my day… he was my whole day. I used to wake up just so we could talk about everything new, and I used to sleep better because of the imaginary scenarios where we finally met and became...LOVERS OR SOMETHING!

I didn’t really feel hungry, and I had no desire to go out. All I felt was this unnatural urge to go back to him again and throw all my principles away.

But, thank God, I was aware enough to know that this wouldn’t lead me anywhere. Talking all day on the phone is fun… but then what?

And I’m glad I was thinking like that—it saved me in the long run. But at that time, I really felt like I was about to fall into a serious depression or something. I’m glad that I can talk about him now without crying or feeling nostalgic… but even now, on very silent days, I miss our nights a little louder.

It was something so unique—something no one can ever forget. I’m sure he still remembers me… or maybe that’s just my wish

I closed my diary and had a very good, deep sleep. I didn’t dream of Leo—it was better: I dreamt of another piece of fried chicken!!

The next morning, I texted my friends: “Hi guys, what about staying late tomorrow at one of your known clubs?”

It felt like another girl who was writing that text. But I have to change!

All of them agreed and were surprised at once; I myself was surprised too.

At 6 p.m., Mom stormed into my room:

“We will go to our hometown this summer; we will move to Jeonju tomorrow!”

Wait, wait—does that mean that all my plans and lists got ruined again??

JUST GREAT, MOM!