Wilderness

Juniper Hayes

I breathe in the rich scent of damp earth, resting my back against the thick trunk of a yellow quaking aspen—also known as Populus tremuloides. It’s a tree native to the American Southwest. And no, I’m not some genius rattling off random tree facts; I’m just a forestry major. It’s not your typical college path. Most people lean toward nursing, engineering, or architecture. I’m convinced people in those fields really have their lives together. When you talk to them, they either want to save lives or build masterpieces.

Well, I want to do neither. My fascination with the wilderness led me to choose forestry. There’s something about the trees and the endless greenery that draws me in. Perhaps it's the fact that they literally purify the air we inhale, or perhaps the mere presence of nature instills a sense of tranquility in me. There’s a profound comfort in being far away from the crowds and the deafening noise of the city.

Just like right now. I take another deep breath and scan my surroundings. It’s late February, the bitter end of winter. The sky is overcast, and the biting wind cuts right through my heavy coat. My professor canceled our class today since we’re in the final week and a half of the semester. Instead of hiding indoors, I decided to hang out by the campus recreation field near the engineering building. Across the grass, I can see several students laughing and chatting with their friends. They’re probably discussing studying abroad or taking a gap year to travel before joining the corporate grind. I’d love to travel someday, too—definitely outside the US.

My mom got pregnant while she was still in college. My grandparents didn’t take it well and essentially disowned her, calling her a ‘disgrace.’ But instead of letting it break her, she moved out and got a job. She worked and studied her entire pregnancy. Once she earned her degree, she started looking for work overseas. She told me I was about two years old when she landed a corporate job here in the US. She brought me with her and never looked back. So, Colorado has practically been my home for as long as I can remember. It goes without saying that when I travel, I want to experience something entirely different. I am fully Filipino, but I ended up with a very white-sounding last name because when I was ten, my mom met a kind, decent man.

His name was Brandon, and he was a genuinely good guy. I was eleven when they got married. He legally adopted me, treated me like his own flesh and blood, and was an incredible stepdad. That is, until life decided to ruin it all, and he died of cardiac arrest. My mom was devastated, but life dragged on—until it eventually caught up to her, too. When I turned eighteen, she passed away from breast cancer.

My life is pretty morbid. Honestly, why should I look for someone to screw me over when life already does a fantastic job of it itself, right?

Anyway, before she passed, my mom left me insurance money for my education. She’d been saving it since I was a kid because she knew how much I loved the forest and that I’d want a degree to study it.

My heart aches for a moment as I picture her sweet smile and kind eyes.

But I couldn’t use that money for my schooling. I had to use it to pay off the massive medical debt we accumulated from her chemo and medications. My stepdad’s life insurance and my mom’s health insurance weren’t enough to cover it—because here, healthcare isn’t free; it’s a luxury for the rich. Welcome to the United States.

Even that wasn’t enough, so I had to sell my childhood home to clear the rest of the debt. Luckily, I didn’t have to worry about tuition since I’d earned a full-ride scholarship with my grades. But living expenses and miscellaneous fees are no joke, so I still had to juggle two jobs. Thankfully, I managed to keep it up for four years. Now I’m twenty-two and just two weeks away from graduation.

“June, honey, I knew you’d be here.” The sound of my boyfriend, Caleb's, voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked up and met his soft blue eyes. His heavy winter coat brushed my arm as he sat down beside me.

“Hey.” I leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“Just the cheek? Come on.”

I rolled my eyes and gave him a quick peck on the lips. Caleb and I have been together for five months. We met when he transferred to the University of Pinbrooke halfway through the semester from Arizona. He’s a computer science major, and we never would have crossed paths if we hadn’t collided on the campus green that one fateful day. He accidentally spilled coffee all over my shirt. Thank God it wasn’t hot. I told him it was fine and that I had to run so I wouldn’t be late for class.

But he insisted I couldn’t leave unless I took his hoodie to cover up the stain and agreed to let him buy me dinner to make up for it. Without overthinking it, I said yes. I didn’t expect him to actually be fun, but he was. We hit it off, and despite the rough patches in our relationship, we’re still together.

“I thought you weren’t out of class until five?” I asked. He flashed me a charming smile.

“Well, I told my professor I had to use the restroom, but obviously, I just wanted to see my beautiful girl,” he replied, bringing my hand to his lips.

I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay long, honey. This last-minute project is a massive pain in the ass, but I need to nail it if I want to land a job at a top-tier tech company.”

“Don’t worry about it. I understand.”

He smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to my temple. He took my hand and rested it affectionately on his lap.

“Caleb, I know this isn’t the best time... but we graduate in less than two weeks. We really need to talk about our plans.”

He sighed and dropped my hand.

“Here we go again,” I heard him mutter under his breath. He shook his head. “I told you, June. I don’t want to live in the middle of the fucking woods. I want to be in the city. If you love me, you’ll come to Ontario with me,” he said firmly, completely shutting me down.

Caleb can be sweet, an absolute dream at times, but he has a serious temper problem.

“Then don’t come with me. You can go to Canada, and I can go to Arkansas. We can still call each other and meet up whenever we can,” I negotiated, falling into our usual routine. I wasn’t begging him to follow me. I was perfectly fine with doing long distance if it meant we both got to chase our dreams. The only problem was him and his irrational possessiveness.

We argue about many things, but lately, the main catalyst for our fights has been my job offer. Two months ago, I emailed a national forest in Arkansas. I explained that I was an undergrad looking for a position post-graduation, and I attached my transcripts, a summary of my fieldwork experience, and everything else I thought might win them over. I genuinely didn’t expect a reply, but they got back to me just a week ago. They offered me a position as a forestry technologist. I was ecstatic because it meant I’d be able to work outdoors, survey the land, study the local flora, and research conservation methods.

That has been my dream since I was a kid, long before I ever met Caleb. He knew that, which is why he was the first person I told when I got the news. I thought he’d be happy for me, but he wasn’t. Instead, he got angry that I hadn’t told him I was applying in the first place. He was also furious that I’d be so far away, especially since he’s dead-set on this job in Ontario. That’s exactly why he’s frantically padding his résumé with this tech project just days before graduation.

I was actually going to break up with him over it. He said some incredibly hurtful things, all because I landed a great job offer. But then he broke down, crying and begging me not to leave him. He swore he’d change and promised to stop being so harsh.

I forgave him, but I’m really hoping his current attitude isn’t his version of ‘changing.’

“Caleb, please,” I pleaded, desperate to find some common ground. I reached for his hand. “We have to figure this out,” I said softly.

He roughly pulled his hand away and shook his head in obvious annoyance.

“June, I wanted to spend my short break with you, and you just had to go and ruin it,” he snapped. My heart fractured a little. I hate it when he looks at me like everything is my fault. “I don’t have time for this. I need to get back to class.”

“Caleb—”

He didn’t even let me finish. He stood up abruptly and stormed off.

“He’s an asshole, June. Why does a baddie like you put up with a dusty guy like him?” my best friend asked.

After Caleb walked out on me, I didn’t stay on the field much longer. I headed straight back to my dorm room. Thank heavens my roommate-slash-best friend wasn’t hooking up with anyone, because I’ve already accidentally seen three penises this week. That’s what I get for barging into our room unannounced. Believe me, I’ve learned to knock since then.

“I don’t know, Sienna,” I answered honestly. We were both sitting cross-legged on her bed, our backs leaning against the white brick wall. “It’s like this toxic cycle. I get to the point where I’m finally ready to leave him, but then he apologizes, and I get too soft...” I shook my head.

“Oh, sweetie,” she murmured sympathetically. “He’s been a jerk so many times that I don’t have any advice left other than to just dump him.”

“I tried, but as I said, I’m stuck in the cycle,” I admitted. There’s just something about him that keeps pulling me back, despite all the damage he causes. It’s incredibly frustrating.

“Well, if you can’t end it normally, just tell him you’re cheating on him with me. Tell him I at least know where the clitoris is.”

“Sienna!” I gasped, but I couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that escaped me.

She chuckled.

“I’m just trying to make you laugh, because all he ever does is make you cry and treat you like garbage,” she said, her tone turning serious. “I’m telling you, when you finally drop him, you’ll have guys lining up. You’re such a succubus that you’re way out of his league.”

I whipped my head to look at her. Her blonde hair was tied up in a messy bun, and she looked dead serious.

“Sienna... did you just call me a demon?”

Her eyes went wide. “Oh, shit, June, is that what that means?! I thought it meant, like, a successful, independent woman!”

When the absurdity of it hit me, I burst out laughing.

“Sienna, that is definitely not what that means!” I wheezed through my laughter.

She winced, letting out a long, horrified “Ooooh.”

“Oh, I fucked up.” She frantically pulled her phone out of her pocket. I stopped laughing and stared at her. “I just commented on my mom’s new Facebook picture and called her a succubus,” she panicked, her thumbs flying across the screen.

“Sienna Brooks!” I howled with laughter.

“Okay, crisis averted. I deleted it,” she sighed, putting her phone away and shaking her head at me.

Sienna and I have been friends for three years now. She’s originally from North Dakota but moved to Colorado because of the university’s stellar engineering program. I had this dorm room all to myself until she moved in during our sophomore year. I honestly didn’t think we’d get along at first, but once I got to know her, she turned out to be the best roommate—and the greatest friend—I could ever ask for.

“Look, this can’t keep happening, June,” she said softly, reaching over to take my hand. I chewed nervously on my lower lip. “You’ve been with this guy for a few months now, and I can count on one hand the number of genuinely nice things he’s done for you. He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend...”

I didn’t say anything.

“...I could sit here and list two hundred more reasons why you need to cut him loose, but it’d be a waste of breath because you already know them. It’s totally up to you, babe.”

I let out a heavy sigh and squeezed her hand back.

“I don’t know... maybe he’s just really stressed about his project right now.”

“Juuune...” she groaned in protest.

I cringed. I sounded like a total martyr.

“I know, I know,” I conceded, sighing in defeat. “One more strike, and it’s over. I promise,” I added, looking her straight in the eye.

She exhaled sharply.

“Don’t make that promise to me. Make it to yourself,” she said, poking me in the chest. “You keep making excuses for him. Is the dick really that good?”

I shook my head.

“No. I’m not even sleeping with him.”

I’m actually pretty conservative when it comes to physical intimacy. I’ve been with Caleb for months, and we still haven’t gone all the way. Honestly, a huge reason I’ve stayed with him through all the bad times is that he doesn’t pressure me into having sex. We’ve fooled around a bit—I gave him a handjob once, but it was painfully awkward, so we never tried it again.

A big part of my attraction to him is his intellect and his sheer dedication to his studies. I loved that even after an exhausting day of classes, we could be perfectly content just hanging out, watching movies, and eating takeout.

“Good. A guy with that kind of attitude does not deserve the WAP,” she retorted.

I chuckled.