Kurt: A Proper Introduction

A man (Kurt) sleeps in his bed in a room piled high with... stuff while another man (The Narrator) squats beside his bed, he whispers...

Narrator: Kurt... Kurt. Kurt! KURT!

Kurt: Who? What?!

Narrator: WAKE UP!!

Kurt: "groans" God, you don't need to yell!

Narrator: Obviously I have to, otherwise you won't respond! Anyways Kurt, the audience is back.

Kurt: Already? "He turns to face the audience as his face attains the look of mild irritation" Can't you guys leave me alone? This is like extra work!

Narrator: If you want them to go away, you've got to give them what they want.

Kurt: What do they want?

Narrator: What they've always wanted Kurt... Entertainment, a show. So just make it interesting okay? Start with an introduction of yourself for any new audience members who may be here today.

Kurt: Hello everybody! My name is Kurt Hedder and I live in this cute little farmhouse with my wife just outside the city. "whispers" that's all they need to know right?

Narrator: No. These people are interested in what you do and how you live. They want to live vicariously through you.

Kurt: Aw, come on! Seriously?!

Mary: "from downstairs" Kurt, I hope to God you're not talking to yourself again up there.

Kurt: "turns to face the door, which is behind him" I'm not Mary, I'm on the phone.

Mary: Good, and for goodness sake, if you want to keep all that outdoors stuff, then PUT IT OUTDOORS! "sigh"

Kurt: "turns back to face the audience" Okay, well I uh... I work as a quality inspector at the local chocolate factory and if you're wondering, yes you can eat as much as you want, but only on lunch breaks. I'm not in charge of anything though, really. I simply take my position near the end of the line and look for any chocolate that looks less than "satisfactory" pardon the pun, and throw it out.

Then I go home after a good days work and I uh... well, it's not very exciting I'll admit, since I mainly do a few household chores before watching a little TV. There's some good shows on there. After that, I go to bed. Again, it's not much, but this is my life, and this is how I want to live it.

Narrator: There's a couple of problems with that though.

Kurt: "sighs" Like what?

Narrator: Well one, that is neither interesting nor entertaining and two, if that is how your life does indeed go, then "spins around the room" where did all this stuff come from hmm? It certainly didn't come from the way you described it, that's for sure.

What these people really want is your nightly kleptomania! They want to see your stints in jail and the institution! They're fascinated by how you interact with other people!

What you need to do Kurt, is get out there and do something worth doing. You don't have to do anything radical like quit your job, but just make your life fun. We want to see you be alive, face the world, contribute to it. Kurt, we want to be alive! Make us feel it!

Kurt:... I'll try my best.

Narrator: "sighs" don't try! do! Trying is only going halfway. In fact, we shall do right now. Have you ever met your neighbors while living here?

Kurt:... No

Narrator: Then, before you go off to work, introduce yourself to your neighbors. Who knows, maybe things will start happening.