Insomnia

My eyes stayed closed but behind them felt busy and rushed. Flashing and forced, I could feel the pressure building in my head as if one minute more would make it explode. This is what I imagined it felt like, when people say you see your life flash before your eyes right before you die. Yet I wasn't dying. I was actively trying to live. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and tried to force the thoughts going faster than I could process down while I took another deep breath. All I needed to do was fall asleep. My room was silent but I could feel my heart beat in my ears. How my heart could beat so fast, while my chest weighed heavy enough to make every breath catch, solidified what was happening to me was out of any control of mine to minimize. Tomorrow would be a better day. Tomorrow would be a new chance to wake up normal. I laid still, as if you walked in, it would look like like I had fallen asleep. Within me, my still body felt like I was running full speed with no way to stop and catch my breath.

Eventually it passed, not all at once but slowly the weight began to lift. The thoughts slowed, the images going behind my eyes became clearer as the pressure inside my body eased. I wondered what it would be like to live in a body with a mind that didn't fight back against you. I got up to get myself some water, staring through a palpable silence into space. Realizing a moment as vulnerable, as pure as sleep, would be taken from me again. With muscle memory I began to get up and walk to my desk, knowing full well I would work until my eyes themselves gave up, allowing me to get in what little sleep I could before I would start the day over again. Again, I would wake up with the hope that never broke, thinking it would be the last time, tonight I would finally get some sleep. I would find myself laying down...my eyes closed but behind them felt busy and rushed.