Love Shack

I stood in a crowd among 49 other contestants. I never imagined I would be one they chose. I clicked random answers on the survey and lied in the interview, yet here I was standing on a TV show waiting for the host.

An average-height man walked to the front of us. He stood with a crooked smile. He paused and looked off to the right and nodded at a man. The man held up three fingers and slowly dropped them 1 by 1. When he got to zero, he pointed his hand forward. “It’s go time.”

The man in front of us said, “My name is Dave Birdsong. Welcome to the first episode of the first season of Love Shack. This will be the next top reality show.” He smiled and stepped forward. “This is the first of its kind: a fully live, fully free, fully nude show. If any of that sounds like a problem to you at home, then you better cut this off right now and anyone under 18 better turn this shit off.”

Fully nude? What the hell is he talking about? I didn’t sign up for this… oh wait, it’s a joke. Haha. I laughed to myself.

One girl beside me screamed in excitement as she ripped her top off and swung it in the air. Her breasts bouncing. I put my hand to my forehead and whispered, “No.”

Most of the men turned to face her, their disgusting mouths dripping with drool.

Ew, I thought, who the fuck thinks baring it all on national TV is hot? I mean, shit, she’s not gross, just maybe a little misguided, but them, they’re disgusting.

Dave stepped forward. He put the mic in her face and asked, “Well, now that all of the USA and hopefully some other countries have seen your tits, how about you let me kiss them?”

I almost threw up in my mouth as he said it. Please, honey, know your worth… please.

She pressed her breasts together and nodded, “Yes, please.”

He leaned in and waved the cameras closer. He pressed his lips on her nipples as hard as he could. Her poor breasts screamed for help as he squashed them.

I looked down the men’s side and all but 4 of the men’s flagpoles were at full mast. I rolled my eyes; at least 4 of the 25 men aren’t complete pigs. Well, 2 of the 4 were still staring, the other 2 were staring away, and they looked almost as disgusted as me. I smiled. Huh, maybe I will find someone here after all.

He stepped back, wiping his mouth. “And that’s what America wants: dripping wet tits and tight asses in small shorts. Let’s fuck first and find love second.”

A girl tapped me on my back. I turned around. It was an absolutely stunning blond woman in a tight red dress with a tattoo of 6 butterflies flying up from her right arm to her neck.

She said, “Well, that was um… interesting. Is that the word I’m looking for?”

I shook my head. “No… It was weird.”

“Yeah, you’re right…” she giggled into her hand. “I’m Megan.”

I smiled. “Nice to meet you. I’m Jane.”

“This show doesn’t really seem like your kind of thing.”

“How would you know?”

She bit her lip and said, “Um… come on, are you really going to make me say it?”

“Yeah, come on, say whatever you’re thinking.”

She shrugged and said, “Alright, but you made me. You are clearly a nerd.”

“Gasp,” I said as I placed my hand on my heart. “How could you say that?” I laughed.

“So, I’m right, huh?”

“Yeah… My mom wanted me to come on the show. I guess she didn’t read the full brochure.”

“Clearly… unless she thought you were really desperate.”

“Well… I might be.” I giggled.

The contestants started walking towards the building. Megan’s hair whipped as she turned and said, “I guess I’ll see you around,” waving at me as she followed them.

I followed them into the large house in front of us. Inside the house was normal for Malibu, maybe even below average. It was modern with 15-foot ceilings, massive white couches with TVs, an enormous staircase leading upstairs to the dozens of bedrooms, and an immaculate kitchen with everything you could want. Fruits, vegetables, meat, bread, anything. Oh… and cameras, lots and lots of cameras. Every single room had hundreds of cameras… Yes, even the bathrooms, and yet my mom said I should come on the show, and so here I was.

A 26-year-old, fresh out of college with a degree in microbiology and no dating experience… ever. Not even a middle school boyfriend or girlfriend, and yet here I was on the raunchiest TV show in history watching a random girl getting her breasts fondled by the creepy host. But I’d be damned if this show changed anything about me.

“Alright everyone, it’s time you all found your rooms. Boys on the left, girls on the right. No one is allowed to sleep in anyone else’s room. Do you hear me? Immediate disqualification will occur for anyone who does.”

Finally, a rule I can agree with. A smile formed on my face.

One man looked clueless as he asked, “Are you for real?”

Dave laughed. “Fuck no! Your rooms are all fitted with toys and lube galore. The freakier you get, the better. This show is sex first, love second. Didn’t you hear me?”

Most of the 50 contestants cheered, but some women and men were the same as me, a little disgusted. I could tell they would have a better chance of being with me.

“But for a moment, a legitimate rule. If broken, you will be off the show in a flash. There is a zero-tolerance policy on anything non-consensual, even if it’s just a shoulder touch.”

His face was deadly serious.

We nodded as we spread up the stairs into the upper floor. Everyone rushed into different rooms. I went right because fewer people had gone that way.

First, I slipped into the second room on the right. I closed the door quietly as I snuck in, hoping I was alone.

“Hey…” a voice said behind me.

I turned to see a man and a woman wrapped around each other. My mouth opened wide as I gasped. “I’m so sorry.”

I ran out of the room. Holy crap, 10 minutes in and people are already fucking? This show is different.

In each room I looked in, there were already two people or more. One room had 4 dudes and 2 girls, but all I wanted was a room for myself.

I kept walking until the doors on each side stopped, and then I went further. At the end of the hall, there was another hallway branching off to the right, back toward the front of the house. I walked down it alone, tiptoeing like I used to when I was sneaking around for a snack as a kid. The walls were completely bare. My curiosity was the only thing that drove me further. As I walked, the lights grew dimmer and dimmer, but at the very end, there was a single door.

I opened it slowly, looking around the door, hoping it was empty. Inside was a small room with a single twin bed and a small 24in TV hanging from the wall, with a little wooden dresser. As I walked in, I shut and locked the door behind me. Empty. No one in sight.

Cameras, I thought.

I looked along the ceiling. Nothing. I ran to the lamp and ripped off the shade. None. I checked the plugs and the smoke detector. No hidden cameras. I ran to the bathroom door and looked in the toilet, above it, and even in the lights. Nothing. I opened the shower and searched in the head, the floor, and the roof. Nothing. The room was completely devoid of cameras. They had forgotten an entire room. Granted, I don’t think this room was meant for the show.

How the hell did I get so lucky?

I laid my suitcase on the bed and unpacked my clothes. Putting them neatly in the drawers. I took my backpack off and laid it on the bed. Unzipping it slowly before removing 62 books individually. Looking at each cover as I pulled them out. If I read slowly, these should last the full 2 months I’m here. Well, if I don’t get voted off. No, that’s not happening. I need that $1,000,000 for my research. This room will help me lie low. If I don’t wow or anger the fans, they won’t vote me off. I’ll be almost invisible to them for now...

I picked up the first book. It was a romantic comedy about an astronaut who falls in love with a Martian on his first mission to Mars. This will be fun, I said as I laughed and jumped onto the bed.