The Before
Beep beep
I cracked my eyes open at the beep and stared at the time on my phone. 7:45 A.M. The screen stayed lit for just a few seconds before fading black again. The notification obviously wasn’t urgent.
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and stretched as I sat up. I needed to piss, and badly. I bolted from my bed to the bathroom, barely making it in time for my bladder to give way. Apparently, it was made of steel while I slept, but paper when I was awake. Even on nights when I woke up to go, in the morning, it always felt like I was pumped full of multiple saline bags, back to back.
I considered it was part of some medical problem as it didn’t seem normal. But I was too poor for doctors, meaning medical issues didn’t exist for me. Ankle bending weird? Walk it off. Cough for 7 weeks straight? Nyquil and a shot of bourbon. Chest pain? Aspirin and a nap.
I just decided it was normal and moved on. That’s all you can do in life. Move on. Find the next out-of-pocket thing, ponder, and move on.
I was moving on. Again. Told myself for bigger and brighter things, hoping some positive words would make it feel less heavy and dark.
It was heavy and dark, had been for a few years now. I didn’t want to reminisce or look back over the things that happened, but my brain had a funny way of saying fuck you.
It started with the baby, the unplanned pregnancy that took us by surprise. Most of it was great, we planned the future from that point forward as a family. There were complications at the end, but we scraped by and were released right before Christmas after 6 weeks of inpatient care.
I threw myself into the holiday because I was so happy we survived. The house became a winter wonderland for a newborn who would never remember it. The memories were for me, I suppose. Pictures now locked away in a safe. Maybe one day.
In January, we had all slept soundly through the night, that was the trigger that led to me leaping from bed and running to her side. I will never forget that awful feeling I had as I looked upon her still, doll-like figure. Blood begins to pool within thirty minutes of death, visibly noticeable after two hours.
I knew the second I looked, the feeling of defeat, anger, and anguish washed over me, and still I tried. The operator walked me through the CPR until help arrived. The knot that formed in my stomach never left me. The doctors called it SIDS. I called it SHIT.
Turns out that very same morning my mother was rushed into emergency surgery followed by a long stay in ICU. She had been sick for awhile with COPD stage three and with this development she came home with me. I cared for her. We learned the doctors had missed a rare infection in her lungs, blaming possible cancer as for why they watched and waited to test it. It was too late, I sat watching her slowly suffocate until a year ago. I was holding her hand when she slipped away for good.
During all of this we were planning to get married, but we put it off for another year. I’m actually thankful because what a mess it would have been to divorce after finding those messages and meet-ups a few weeks ago.
At first, I thought I was stuck because I couldn’t afford to be on my own, but then I remembered back when I was pregnant, my grandparents died and left me everything they had, including their house in a place called Deepmire, Alabama. It was a small town, so small I couldn’t find it on the maps, but my grandmother had left a map cut out with a space circled and labeled. It was near Huntsville Alabama.
I lived in Cincinnati, Ohio, so the trip was going to be a bit long, 7 hours give or take. I didn’t mind, though; the highways had always given me a sense of peace. I loved to be a passenger riding along after dark and watching the headlights fly by. Staring out the window at the different landscapes that passed. Maybe some music, my preference being rock and roll, playing low in the background.
This time I would be driving but really it wasn’t much different, just can’t lose myself in thoughts that lead nowhere. I would have to keep an eye on the road for safety obviously but the peace would still be there. In the headlights of the cars. In the land that passed by on either side. In the quiet music I would play in the background.
Moving on. A new start. Another roll of the dice.
I mean what else could I do? Sit and rot in the tomb I once called home? Marry a man who chooses to lust for other women? Stare at pictures of a life that started and ended in the same unexpected way? Subconsciously clean the filters of the oxygen machine that once pumped breathe into a woman who gave me mine?
No. I had to go. I had to leave this place. Even if he had never stepped out on me I believe I would have said enough is enough and threw my hands up. The last three years of my life had been the longest I had ever lived. Filled with pain and torture as the world around me crumbled and somehow I still remained.
Some people believe in karma. Some people believe life teaches you lessons. Some people believe it’s God’s work. Most believe that the end will reveal all, whether karma, lessons, God…
I believe it’s all a cruel cosmic joke. In the end there will be nothing. No God, no lesson, no karma, no better place, no reason. It just happened, pointlessly.
There is no lesson to learn from the death of a child. No karma for a woman who smoked half her life and died of suffocation. No God is tempting a man to prove his unworthiness of the woman who loved him. There is no reason, justifiable or not for any cruelty. It’s pointless.
I sighed and shoved the thought aside. It was time to focus. Finish packing and leave. Today would be my last day here, forever.
I rented a small U-Haul truck to pack my stuff into. The armchair my mother had claimed before she died was mine. The bookshelves from the nursery I had sacrificed from my room to give her were also going. The safe with all its documents and pictures was already packed into the passenger side of the truck.
Between me and the safe was a basket of blankets wrapped around 2 plastic boxes. The larger was black and the smaller was tan. On their sides they each had a tag: Lorene Garrison 4/7/1974 - 3/9/2025. Saige Garrison-Hytes 11/16/2023 - 1/28/2024.
They were precious cargo to me.
I did one last quick walk through the house. Making sure I had grabbed all I wanted from the place. He could keep the rest, sell it, burn it, I didn’t care. He didn’t care.
Finally I wedged myself into the driver’s seat and off I went. The air conditioner was broken. I found that out quickly and soon I had the windows cracked just to feel a nice breeze as I drove.
I started later in the day, around 4PM. A few hours passed and night fell, just like I wanted. Daytime driving was alright for short trips but I much preferred night time driving, especially for long trips. Just something about the glow of the headlights and the still of the night.
Around 9pm I made it to Huntsville. I was tired, my routine normally had me in bed or going to bed at this time so the exhaustion was quickly setting in. I pulled over at a little motel called Ricks.
It looked run down and I figured it was probably the crack motel of the area. Where all the addicts go to get cheap one night rooms to shoot up and party. Or where you can rent by the hour on the down low.
There were barely any cars but I could see a group of people huddled by a couple rooms to my right. They all looked the part, a few girls in tank tops and skirts or shorts that could fit a 5 year old. A couple guys one without a shirt sporting several tattoos that looked homemade from the distance.
I stared at them considering my options. I could continue and possibly fall asleep driving or I could grab a room for the night, ignore whatever shenanigans they get up to and finish my journey in the morning. I could also sleep on the side of the road in my car but I could get a ticket for that.
I dragged myself from the car and headed into the little office to the left of the parking lot. A bell jingled as I opened the door, startling me a little. I looked up to see it attached to the door frame so that it would go off anytime the door is opened. I bet it got annoying quickly to the poor employee bound to the check in desk.
The room was small, rectangular. The counter was set up like one you might see at an old dinner with a little lift portion at the end to allow the employees to pass through. A laptop sat just behind it on a lower shelf, screen dark as the night outside.
A woman sat on a rolling chair, her feet up on the desk and her back against the wall. She just stared at me as I stepped up to the desk. Her eyes were green and piercing, it gave me a eerie feeling of being studied hard under a microscope.
I noticed she was moving her mouth and suddenly a loud pop echoed through the room. Bubble gum. She was chewing bubble gum. I pulled my card from my back pocket and laid it on the counter.
“I need a room please.”
“Got one left, lady. Lucky you.” She had a southern accent that left no room for doubt in where she had been born and raised. She also seemed to lack manners which caused me to remember my mother asking me if I was raised in a barn as a child when I left socks on the floor or didn’t remember to shut the door. I almost chuckled to myself but held it back.
She rose from her chair and grabbed a set of keys off a hook. She turned and dropped them on the counter before swiping my card away quickly as if I were going to take it without paying first. It probably happened a lot in a place like this so I couldn’t blame her. She seemed to have a little trouble getting the details but I remained patient.
“Ain’t got no fancy card readers so you got keys, lady. You might wanna lock up that truck of yours real nice and tight tonight. Billy’s here and he likes anything not nailed down… except his girls.” She said the last part under her breath but I heard it anyway and shuddered to think of what she meant.
“Thanks.” I said as I took my card back and the keys. I turned to leave and she spoke again.
“Room 24, at the corner of the right side. Have a good’un lady.”
I felt my cheeks flush up a little as I realized I almost left without asking my room number. Something about that office and woman had disorganized me. I didn’t like it, normally it would have been my first question.
I hopped back into the truck and turned down the right side of the building coming to a stop at the very end. The group was there, just a few doors down from me. They stared at my truck as I drove up.
The guy without a shirt kept staring at the padlock on the back of it, as if he could magically unlock it with his gaze. Maybe he had heat vision like Superman. I grabbed my wallet and a change of clothes, then locked the truck up tight as she had said. I didn’t have much and felt like I had lost so much already. I hoped Billy didn’t heat vision his way into my stuff.
It was a basic motel room. A big queen size bed with wooden nightstands on either side and a tv across from it on another stand. There was a small attached bathroom where I stripped and showered quickly. I didn’t bring my soaps in and had to use their standard one drop samples. I didn’t even touch the bar soap, I would feel dry and itchy for days after that.
I adjusted the ac to a cool 69°F and cracked the edge of the curtains so I could peek out at the truck from bed. Then I turned on the TV, flipping it to the channel that plays Family Guy and American Dad non-stop. They didn’t have a smart TV yet.
With that in the background I laid back and stared out the crack in the window. I was almost there, moving on. My fresh start was just around the corner, I just had to get through one more night.
I drifted off at some point but came to when I heard the glass shatter outside my room. Someone was standing in front of the crack in my window. I jumped from bed and ran to the door flinging it open.
My jaw dropped as I stared at the shirtless tattooed man standing beside my truck’s now shattered driver side window. He was holding his hand out on either side of him grinning like a child who just got their favorite candy. In each hand was a box. Black and Tan.
I stopped cold in my tracks, unsure of what to do. I could call the police but this guy could easily slip away before they arrived. There was no way my little 5ft 110lbs self could take him in a fight. I could get the lady at the front desk but I doubt she could do much either and it seemed like Billy had already did a number on her before.
All I could do was watch at this point.
Billy noticed me in the doorway staring at him with my horrified expression. It made him grin harder.
“This yours, girly?” He asked holding the boxes out towards me. I nodded and stepped forward naively hoping he would hand them over. He could take pretty much everything but not them. I needed them.
He yanked his hands back and shook his head.
" Nah, it’s mine now, girly.”
" Please. Take the other stuff. Just give them to me.” I begged.
He held them up, inspecting them closer. ” Saige and Lorene.” He said his accent butchering the names. I winced not having said either out loud myself since they passed.
“It… It’s my mother and daughter.” I hoped to appeal to a softer side of him, maybe he had a child or a parent he cared about. No such luck.
" Aww, that’s too bad! Guess you’ll have to kill ’em again, girly!” He cackled at his sick idea of a joke while my heart dropped to my stomach. A memory flashed through my brain, but I pushed it away. I had to do something.
I looked around and saw the rest of the group forming a half circle around the exchange. A short chubby guy in cargo pants and red t-shirt. A tiny dark haired girl, no more than 18, in a pink miniskirt and a baby blue tank top. A woman a bit taller and definitely older than her stood beside her, she had a scar across her face and her blonde hair pulled back in a bun. Her shorts were skin tight and obviously too small for her, and instead of a shirt she wore a sports bra with a black strapped pushup bra underneath it.
The last guy was on the left of me, the one who stood in front of the crack in my window. He was much older than anyone in the group and seemed to be just enjoying the show. He leaned back against the motel wall with his arms crossed loosely across his chest. He was wearing a black top hat, a black t-shirt, and dark jeans.
Not one of them moved or spoke to stop it. They wouldn’t of course they were his “friends” for now. Probably found themselves in the same boat with him only to realize if you can’t beat them, you can join them.
“500 dollars.” I held up my hands. “it’s all I got. You can have it if I can have my stuff back.” It was all the cash I had on me. I hoped his motives were money-based and not just fun and games.
He stared at me, clenching his jaw, the grin still plastered across his face. I felt his eyes began to slither down me. I shuddered at his gaze, pretending it was just a chill in the air.
“Five hundred and I finish my night with you, girly.” This made Miniskirt stand up straighter. She crossed her arms across her chest and stuck a hip out. Obviously she didn’t like that and neither did I.
“I’m engaged, sir.” I held up my hand to show the ring I kept there. It was actually my mother’s ring but a white lie wouldn’t hurt right now. Maybe he would at least respect the sanctity of another “man” woman.
" Don’t matter to me. Ya in or ya out? You get to leave with your stuff in the morning, or you don’t. Up to you, girly, either way I’m getting what I want tonight.” As he said that his eyes darted to Miniskirt. She blushed as if he had just told her she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I didn’t understand how she could like a guy like him.
I stared down at the shattered window on the ground. I had already been through so much these last couple of years. I was going to a Deepmire to start over. Technically, I was still in the before, so it made sense that I would be facing such bad situations.
I knew what he wanted from me. My skin crawled just thinking about it. This wasn’t fair, but life wasn’t fair anyway. What else could I do? “Tick tock, girly. I got places to be, don’tcha know it’s rude to hold people up?” This time, the group chuckled with him. They all grinned, staring at me, well, except Miniskirt, who was fiddling with the strap of her shirt and side-eyeing us.
I wasn’t leaving the motel without my mother and daughter.
“Fine.” I said. My heart pounded loud in my ears as I reentered my room, now with company. A voice echoed through my head. ‘Billy’s here and he likes anything not nailed down… except his girls’
I shut my eyes and took a deep breath as I heard the lock on the door slide shut. I learned quickly that night what Billy likes.
