Boundaries & Death
I swore softly under my breath as the screen of my ageing laptop flickered and died for the third time that morning. It should have gone to laptop heaven years ago, but I didn’t have the money to buy a new one, so I kept it alive with prayers and duct tape. Keeping it going was practically inhumane.
I leaned back in my chair, dragging my fingers through my hair. I stared at the space around me trying to muster some motivation. My little office was overcrowded, doing triple duty as a supply cupboard, printer room and place to dump unwanted items. The wallpaper was peeling, and the shelves seemed to grow more rust and dust each day. It was just perfect for me, a lost and forgotten cubbyhole of despair.
I pulled out my phone and frantically tried to open the blog post I’d been working on. Gone. I pinched the bridge of my nose. The headache that had been building all day intensified. My teeth itched.
‘Don’t let the boss catch you on your phone, Mhari.’
I jumped halfway out of my chair, phone flying from my hand. ‘Fuck me, Stacey! Don’t creep up like that. You’ll give me a heart attack.’
Stacey giggled as she leant down to pick my phone off the floor. ‘Sorry. I just came to tell you that the boss wants that post ready to go at lunch.’
I sighed. ‘Of course he does.’
I took the phone off her, idly noting that the screen had yet another crack.
‘Not going well?’
I pointed at my deceased laptop and shrugged as it flickered between rainbow static and the blue screen of death. ‘Laptop died again, and it didn’t save to the cloud. I was trying to write it on my phone.’
Stacey winced and patted my shoulder.
‘That’s rough.’
‘The worst thing is I can’t seem to focus on anything today!’ My headache spiked, and I rubbed my temples furiously.
Stacey raised an immaculate eyebrow. ‘That is frustrating. Why don’t you put headphones in and just lock in? You like music, don’t you? Didn’t you study guitar or something at uni?’
I gritted my teeth and smiled tightly. ‘It was violin, and yeah, that’s a good idea.’
Stacey grunted and turned to leave.
There was a special hell in being exceptional but not quite good enough to make it. I finished my master’s degree in music almost four years ago. I thought I’d have been around the world three times with the London Symphony Orchestra by now.
Instead of orchestral fame, I’d spent a year teaching violin to over-privileged brats. When I realised I couldn’t hack it as a teacher, I got the best-paying job I could with the dubious skills my degree offered. Social media for a small law firm was far from the creative and fulfilling job I wanted playing music for a living. But it was a living.
Stacey poked her head back through the door. ‘I’m actually off to the new branch for the rest of the day now. If you want to use my workstation, go ahead.’
My face brightened at the news. ‘Thanks, Stace!’
I gathered my handbag and closed the lid of my laptop. A chance to get out of the mouldy asbestos annex was just the lift I needed. I was freezing and the idea of working at an actual desk in the luxuriously warm main building sounded like heaven. Stacey was the one good thing about my shitty job.
Stacey was in her mid-twenties, blonde, with the kind of figure that got Mr Spence’s attention. Her suit today was stylish, in a violent shade of pink. I hadn’t quite figured out what a paralegal did yet. As far as I could tell, it was mostly answering the phone and bending over her desk for Mr Spence. I suspected they were sleeping together. Two of his ex-wives were his old administrative assistants. I tried not to judge too much because she was always kind to me. We had even gone out drinking together a few times.
My headache throbbed. I was starting to get a migraine halo. I should take some painkillers.
I shoved my phone in my pocket, fumbling it slightly as my vision blurred. The screen lit up with an outgoing call. ‘Ah, shit.’
I looked down to see who I’d pocket-dialled, and my heart jumped as I frantically cancelled the call. Jason. That was not what I needed today.
To say I was having a bad day would be inaccurate. A bad year, or possibly a bad life, was objectively closer to reality.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was privileged in the grand scheme of things. I had a small flat in a fairly pleasant corner of Sheffield and a stable job that paid enough to keep it. It wasn’t even like I was living off just rice and lentils.
Life was just grey.
My phone blooped.
Jason (Dick)> ?
I sighed, my finger hovering over the keyboard.
Jason was the most recent mistake in my bland life. One of the better decisions I had made over the last five years was cutting down on junk food and joining a gym. Jason was the result. He was a gym bro who’d given me some tips when I went through my powerlifting phase. Who was I kidding? He was the reason for the phase.
I wasn’t the kind of girl who got all sweaty over toned abs and well-muscled arms, but here I was, chewing my lip, pressing my thighs together, thinking about him and getting all sweaty.
Jason had been too good-looking to turn down when lifting advice turned into an invitation for drinks. We had no real connection beyond the gym and an almost feral attraction. Drinks quickly turned into something else. Four beers and an excruciating conversation about which protein powder was best, and I was holding on to the sink in the accessible toilet of the pub, seeing stars while he took me from behind.
I caved.
Mhari> Sorry, pocket dial.
I sighed, regretting the text instantly.
The problem with Jason was that after almost a year of “benefits”, I’d walked in on him with the 3 p.m. yoga teacher bent over a workout bench. They hadn’t even noticed me. I’d frozen, watching him pump away as she rubbed herself frantically, making desperate little panting noises.
I shifted uncomfortably as I felt myself getting unmistakably wet. Was I seriously getting turned on thinking about Jason cheating on me? What was wrong with me?
Jason (Dick)> Nw. It’s been ages. I haven’t seen you at the gym recently.
I hesitated again. After the deeply unsurprising revelation that Jason wasn’t husband material, I’d changed gyms and firmly ghosted his attempts to contact me. At least for a little while. But I always seemed to cave and call him when I got lonely. I never did tell him that I’d seen him with the yoga teacher.
Mhari> Yeah work got crazy busy. X
I winced at the reflexive addition to my text. Why the hell did I put a kiss?
Jason (Dick)> Nw.
I waited for a follow-up, but nothing came.
I sighed, once again slightly disappointed with myself for wanting him to... What did I think he was going to do, profess his undying love for me?
On some level, I’d always known it was naïve to think our friends-with-benefits situation was exclusive. It didn’t take away the sting of jealousy though. In hindsight, I should have talked to him and tried to be a grown-up, modern woman about it.
I tutted to myself as I shifted my bag onto my shoulder.
I paused and looked around cautiously. Of course, there was no one in my tiny office. No one came in here unless they wanted printer ink or to shout at me.
I rolled my eyes at my stupidity and bent over to look at the crotch of my suit trousers. My imagination was telling me I had a huge wet patch. That wasn’t the case, but I could certainly feel myself getting that way. The floodgates were open now, and I couldn’t get sex out of my head. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to leave a wet patch on Stacey’s chair. Maybe I should sit on my coat just in case.
I let out a deep breath. Damn, what was up with me today?
My phone buzzed.
Jason (Dick)> Fancy meeting up for a drink tonight?
My heart lifted. I smiled despite myself before ruthlessly squashing the emotion. Idiot.
Mhari> Sorry, can’t, work thing.
It was harder than it should have been to press send. To be fair, the dry spell could explain a lot. The only development in my love life in at least six months had been the death of my favourite vibrator. The subsequent purchase of another appallingly expensive sex toy ate up a worrying amount of the small pool of money I’d set aside for emergencies. I probably should have used the money for other luxuries like food and new laptops, but, hey, an orgasm’s an orgasm.
‘Mary! You shouldn’t be on your phone during office hours!’ Mr Spence slammed the door to my office-jail cell open. ‘I want that post draft in half an hour.’
For the second time that day, I fumbled my phone. ‘Sorry, Mr Spence. My laptop’s broken, so I’m having to write it on my phone.’
He went the same colour as Stacey’s suit as he grabbed a ream of paper. ‘Use Stacey’s computer. And for goodness’ sake buy a new one. It’s really interfering with your work now.’
Mr Spence slammed out of the office. What an arsehole.
I shifted my bag self-consciously in front of my increasingly damp crotch and frowned. It was not my day.
I waited until he was well out of earshot before muttering under my breath. ‘Then buy me a fucking work one, idiot. I don’t see why I should use my own anyway. And it’s Mah-ree!’
Archibald Spence was in his sixties, and it was showing despite the Botox and hair rejuvenation treatments. He had a permanent, bland smile on his face, except for when he was yelling at me.
I didn’t dare call him out on his bullshit. My contract was almost certainly illegal, no sick pay or holiday, but suing a law firm was a stupid idea even I could see. Muttering and bitching kept me sane.
Voices next door bled through into my little room, rattling around in my head along with the headache. My teeth itched. It sounded like chanting. Bloody football madness. Either that, or they were summoning a demon. I banged on the wall. Hopefully that would shut the bastards up.
Another notification lit up my phone screen.
Jason (Dick)> That’s a shame
I paused, chewing my lip. Part of me knew that if I caved to my desire I would spend the next few days annoyed with myself. But... for a few hours I’d be able to let loose, blow off steam. It might just be what I needed. What harm could it do? I was a modern woman. I didn’t need to hold to some stupid puritanical values. If I wanted to sleep around, who cared.
Fuck it.
Mhari> Actually, you know what, I am free. Shall I come over to yours? I get off at 5 p.m.
My heart raced as doubts hit me instantly.
Jason (Dick)> Sure, come over and you can get off at 6 too.
I shivered as my nipples hardened, and I suddenly forgot to breathe. A good, hard, uncomplicated fuck was exactly what I needed if crude innuendo did that to me. If the day was going to be half as bad as I thought it was, then I deserved to have some fun. My insides squirmed as doubts started to settle in, but I squashed them ruthlessly. I was going to Jason’s… maybe.
* * *
On the street outside my office building, I stalled. Maybe I shouldn’t go to see Jason. Part of me knew it was a mistake. The sensible part.
I started walking.
The rest of the day had been oddly manageable. At the very least, I hadn’t been fired. It had been stressful, but nothing too traumatic in the end. I could go home and pour myself a large glass of wine or three, maybe run a bath, then use my vibrator until my clit went numb. I didn’t need Jason. Jason was a dick. I didn’t need him back in my life. He’d cheated. Maybe it wasn’t cheating to him, but it was to me.
But then I remembered the last time I’d been with Jason, and I shivered. His cock stretching me deliciously. His tongue working over my core until I was a trembling mess.
I let out a heavy breath and tried to unclench my thighs. The seam of my tailored suit trousers was sawing against me, and I felt like I could almost come if I walked a bit faster. Nope. My vibrator wasn’t going to cut it today. I wanted someone to hold me, someone to do things to me while I lay back and let them worship me.
I turned towards the bus stop and hardened my resolve. Fuck it. I deserved to let loose, and if some stress relief got rid of my headache, I’d call it a success.
The bus ride was excruciating, too long and not long enough at the same time. My insides were churning, and my skin was so tight and sensitive I almost felt sick.
All too soon, I was hovering outside Jason’s flat door, not quite able to make myself knock. Why was I doing this? It was such a stupid idea.
The door swung open and Jason stepped into the hall. ‘Are you coming in?’ His mouth quirked into a lopsided smile. ‘You’ve been hovering out there for, like, ten minutes.’
I grunted with frustration and pushed past him.
The flat was mostly as I remembered it: sparsely furnished, with generic, uninspired artwork adorning the walls, though a few empty hooks interrupted the display. The faint scent of something floral hung in the air. New, that. At least it was clean. I could forgive a lot, but I couldn’t deal with slobs.
Jason chuckled softly and walked over to a side table where a bottle of wine rested. He picked up one of the two glasses and filled it almost to the brim.
I reached for the glass. He took a sip first. A growl of irritation slipped from me.
Jason laughed. ‘Did you want some?’
Dick. I grabbed the glass off him and drained at least half of it. It was cheap but good enough.
He laughed again. ‘I seem to remember you like red wine. I seem to remember you like lots of things.’
Heat pooled in my stomach, and I felt myself blush. I took another gulp of wine rather than answer him.
He stepped closer to me and ran his hand down my side.
I let out an involuntary moan. Why was he such a tease? Why did I love it so much?
There was something comforting about a familiar lover who knew what made me tick.
‘So… do you want some more wine or do you…’ Jason stepped in even closer and leaned down, nuzzling into the crook of my neck. His hand slid lower to rest on my hip.
I tensed, then melted into his touch. My legs went weak, and I slammed the empty glass down on the side table. When had I finished it? Fuck. I needed him now.
He licked a slow line along the corded muscles of my neck. ‘You seem tense. Did you have a bad day at work?’
‘Shut up.’ I grabbed his head and pulled him to my mouth, devouring him in my need.
We shifted, and his hand drifted between my legs. Our lips broke apart as he rubbed me through my trousers.
‘God, Mhari, you’re so wet I can feel it through your trousers. Have you been like that all day?’
I let out a frustrated laugh. ‘Pretty much.’
He chuckled and flicked the button undone. ‘Well, let’s help you out then.’
Before I knew it, my trousers and underwear were on the floor, and I was splayed out on the sofa. Jason knelt in front of me, and I hooked my legs over his shoulders, pulling him towards my throbbing core.
He braced his hands on my thighs, pushing my legs apart as he leaned in towards my pussy. I bucked upwards, trying to grind myself into his face, but he moved away just enough that I couldn’t reach him.
I almost screamed in frustration as a deep, almost animalistic sound escaped my throat. Was that me?
Jason smirked as he leaned in once again and inhaled deeply. ‘If you’re a good girl, I’ll make you come later.’
I whimpered, and if he’d been touching me, I might have come. The sensation of his breath on my clit set me on fire, and I slowly became aware that I was panting and moaning while he hovered above me.
When he finally licked me, I almost came undone. The languorous stroke of his flat tongue began at the base of my pussy and inched excruciatingly slowly towards my clit.
He stopped.
I screamed and wrapped my fingers in his hair, forcing his tongue against my clit. His muffled laughter vibrated against me, and for a moment I hated him.
My anger evaporated as he devoured me, and my world dissolved into a haze of sensation.
I growled and shoved him off me. ‘I need more. I want you inside me now.’
‘Nah, it’s your turn.’ Jason picked himself up off the floor and shrugged out of his jeans before perching on the edge of the sofa next to me.
I gave him a dirty look, but I rolled over and slid onto the floor anyway.
His cock always surprised me. Not the longest I’d seen, but the girth made oral a challenge. My jaw ached trying to accommodate him.
I grabbed the base of his cock slightly too hard, making him grunt in surprise. Serves him right for being an arsehole.
He shifted, his hips bucking as I licked up the length of his shaft, lingering on the underside of the head. I smiled when he let out a strained grunt the moment I engulfed him fully.
As I sucked his cock, my mind wandered. He seemed to be enjoying himself. I wasn’t, particularly.
A flicker of guilt tried to surface. I smothered it. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea I’d ever had.
I was just about to pull away so I could sit on him when he stiffened and grabbed my hair. Pain sparked through my scalp.
He bucked hard a few times, his grip tightening in my hair, and suddenly a warm, salty taste flooded my mouth. Wait… what? I spluttered around his cock, my eyes watering.
I pulled back, coughing, and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. ‘What the fuck, Jason?! You know I hate that. No warning, and you didn’t fucking ask!’
He at least had the grace to look embarrassed. ‘Sorry, Mhari. It’s been a while, and you’re just so fucking good at that.’
I huffed in annoyance, slightly pleased despite everything. ‘Whatever. You’d better make it up to me.’
Jason smiled mischievously. ‘Of course. Go clean up, then you can sit on my face for a bit. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be good to go again. Then I’ll bend you over the kitchen table. I know how much you like that.’
In spite of everything, a thrill passed through me. I got to my feet, rubbing my slightly sore jaw. ‘Deal. You’d better make my toes curl, though.’
As I walked to the bathroom, I took my shirt off and threw it onto the arm of the sofa.
I splashed my face with water in the bathroom, rinsed out my mouth and fluffed my hair. A dull pain throbbed behind my eyes. I could not get rid of this headache. Maybe I would call the doctor when I got home, just to make sure I wasn’t having a stroke or something. I was only twenty-seven, but stranger things had happened. It was probably fine. I’d been stressed recently, running on fumes. It was bound to catch up with me.
As I walked back into the living room, I stumbled over the edge of the rug. I put my hand out to steady myself, knocking into a flimsy leather storage pouf. The lid slid askew, and I reached out to nudge it back into place.
Jason jumped off the sofa, frantically pulling up his jeans. ‘Don’t worry about that. I’ll tidy it up.’
He manoeuvred past me and rammed the lid back on the pouf.
A wave of nausea hit me; my body flushed with adrenaline. Something about his reaction wasn’t right. ‘What’s in the box, Jason?’
Jason paused for a second too long. ‘Oh, nothing really. Just odds and ends.’
The blood rushed in my ears as I stepped closer to him. He shifted, as if to block me, but I leaned down anyway.
‘Come back to the sofa. I think I’m ready to go again.’ Jason tugged firmly on my arm, trying to drag me closer to the sofa.
He made to kiss me, but I bent my head to avoid him while I flicked the lid fully off the pouf.
Jason sighed and deflated. A cold dread settled in my heart. Any hint of arousal was washed away by the certainty that something was deeply wrong.
Inside the pouf were a handful of children’s toys and several picture frames. I could just make out Jason with his arm around a smiling woman, a toddler between them.
‘So, you’ve got a kid. Are you still with their mum?’
Jason blew out a long breath and ran his hand through his hair. ‘We’re… not together like that.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s complicated.’
Despite myself, a tiny spark of hope kindled in my chest. I could handle complicated. ‘Complicated how?’
His mouth gaped. I could see the cogs turning, trying to come up with an answer.
Fury built inside me. ‘You’re so full of shit, Jason.’
He took a step closer to me, his arms spread out. ‘I don’t see the problem. So what? I’m married. We were having a good time.’ His eyes were wild.
I turned away from him and grabbed my clothes, tugging them on violently as I made my way to the door.
Jason followed me. ‘My wife and I aren’t exclusive. She’s sleeping with loads of other people. Come on, Mhari, why ruin this? They’re not back until tomorrow. There’s no reason to mess up a good thing.’
I spun and jabbed a finger into his chest. ‘You were having a good time, Jason. You. And I can’t trust a word you say after this.’ I was shaking with rage.
An ugly look crossed his face. ‘Oh, grow up, Mhari. You knew what this was. Is this all because you didn’t come yet?’
I clenched my fists and took a step backwards. ‘No, Jason, it’s because you lied. I won’t be the other woman.’
I snatched my bag and left.
I was crying. It was my own fucking fault. I knew Jason was a bastard. I just didn’t know the half of it.
I walked down to the river and stared at the lights reflected on the surface of the Don. It felt like it should be raining; it would fit my mood better. The cold winter night was crisp and beautiful.
I kicked a tuft of weeds sticking out between the cracks in the pavement. The loneliness crept up on me like it always did.
I sighed and made my way along the river towards a small shop near Kelham Island. Tonight was a whisky night. I longed to drink myself into oblivion.
A dark shape emerged ahead of me, walking with purpose. I tensed and clutched my bag tighter. Sheffield was mostly safe, even at night, but knowing my luck, I was about to get mugged.
I slowed, trying to decide what to do. Should I turn back? Run?
I clenched my hands into fists.
As the figure came closer, I edged towards the railing next to the river. It looked flimsier than I’d like. I gripped it anyway, knuckles whitening.
A gaunt-looking man in a tracksuit and hoodie took a step towards me, his hand outstretched. ‘Lady, you should be careful…’
My headache spiked, sudden and savage. My pulse roared. He was too close. I took a step back. Another. ‘Stay back.’
His face creased with something I was too frightened to read. Was it concern? He reached further towards me. I screamed and lurched away.
Shock crossed the man’s face, his mouth hanging limply open.
I brandished my bag at him. It wasn’t huge, but I thought I could do some damage if I put enough force behind it.
The man waved his arms frantically. ‘No, lady, you don’t understand…’
Just as I was starting to think I’d misunderstood the situation, I took another step backwards.
My foot met empty air.
My stomach lurched. My arms windmilled, grasping for something, anything. My fingers caught something. A strip of flimsy plastic. I squeezed, and for one wild, relieved second I thought I was safe. I held my breath.
It ripped.
Time slowed as I tumbled backwards.
My mind hadn’t caught up with what was happening. Some part of me was still certain I was going to stop falling. That this wasn’t real. That in a moment I would find my footing.
Horror twisted the man’s face, his arms stretched out in a futile attempt to grab my hand. He was too far away. He’d been trying to help. I’d misread him completely.
The lights of the city shone against the winter night sky.
I glanced at the scrap of plastic in my hand. Red and black tape. Ah. The railing must be broken.
I closed my eyes. I was falling into the river.
Time sped up and I hit the water. The cold was like a punch to my stomach. My body locked as the icy shock took hold.
I flailed, desperate to keep my head above the surface. My arms weren’t working, and the heavy cloth of my suit dragged me down.
The water closed over my head, forcing its way into my mouth and nose. The cold forced a gasp, and water invaded my lungs.
Darkness closed around me. The pressure of the water felt like it was crushing me.
I thrashed limply until water filled my lungs completely. A strange calm settled over me. I hoped the man who tried to warn me didn’t feel too bad about this. I was going to die.
The city lights above me shone across the water, but it felt like I was looking into another world. A life ring splashed into the water, and I briefly considered trying to swim for it. My fingers twitched, but moving was too much effort.
Peace settled over me. I was dying. All my worries started to drift away.
I frowned. I could hear someone chanting.
Something latched onto my chest. Onto my very essence. Resonating with the dissonant chanting. Anger filled me. It was ruining my death.
The world spun, and I felt myself being pulled towards a bright light. I hurtled through a tunnel, inconceivably fast. I wondered if my soul was being dragged to heaven.
Everything went black, and I knew no more.
