When Winter Melts

It has been 10 years now. The memory is ingrained in my mind, like a tattoo on my brain. I wake up sweating, shaking, silent tears streaming down my face. I look at the time, and it’s already 6 in the morning. Time to start the day.

I walk down the stairs, the only sounds in this house are the planks creaking under my feet. I walk to the kitchen and make myself a coffee and sit on the windowsill in the living room. Enjoying the sunrise in the countryside, birds announcing the beginning of the day, a small breeze caressing the grass, and farther down there’s the lake, starting to defrost, the last breaths of winter giving way to the warmth of summer.

We’re running in the garden, covered by a thick white blanket. We’re throwing snowballs and tackling each other in the snow. The afternoon sun shines down on his face, illuminating him like a mirror ball attracting and reflecting light.

He is the definition of happiness and bliss. With a full smile on his face he pulls me into his arms, twirls me around and topples us down on the freezing snow. I’m frowning, looking up at him, my face covered in white dust.

His eyes fall to my reddened cheeks and the most genuine laugh erupts from his lungs. When he regains his composure, his expression is of pure love and adoration. I can see a thousand words and promises swimming in his emerald eyes. He stands up, helping me in the process. Pressing his lips to mine, his kiss is slow, passionate, loving. I could get lost in him forever. When he pulls away, a dimple appears with his grin and his eyes are filled with mischief.

He looks towards the lake and drags me with him, “Raf what if it's dangerous !” I scream but he can hear the smile and happiness in my voice. “What is life without any risks ?” he replies, still running towards the lake. I keep following him, since the day I met him, this man turned my life upside down, taking me on the craziest adventures, like his curious young self never left him. I would follow him to hell and back if he asked.

We reach the lake and he gets on the ice, carefully and steadily, he used to be an ice hockey player, this is second nature for him. I’m standing on the edge, looking at the glass wearily, frowning. He notices my hesitation, “Come on Sandy ! I won’t let you fall, I promise” his eyes are gleaming with joy, his hand reached out, waiting for me.

“What it I break my ankle, you’re experienced, I have never done this before…” I admit. “I will show you, I’ve got you, trust me. When have I ever let you down ?” He raises and eyebrow, his demeanor being the epitome of confidence and arrogance. I roll my eyes at him and grab his hand “If I fall, you’re sleeping out here tonight”. His laugh is a sounds that I could record and listen to for hours if it was possible.

His fingers close around mine, and his other hand comes to support my elbow, I feel like a fawn learning how to walk. The things this man makes me do. We try sliding for a while, walking me through it step by step to do it the correct way. I trip multiple times, but never once does he let me fall.

After some time I get exhausted and get back inside, he follows to get his ice skates. I shake my head at him and he presses a soft kiss to my lips before heading back out. I decided to make some hot chocolate using my grandma’s recipe that he loves so much. I check out the window, and there he is, still on the ice, sliding with such elegance and precision, snowflakes are falling around him and he looks magnificent, reminding me of the first time I laid eyes on him; UCLA’s ice-skating ring, my freshman year.

Seeing that he’s still having fun outside, and sunset was a couple hours away, I take time to go over some emails, check our schedule for the following week. Once I’m done, I grab a book and sit on the windowsill, enjoy his perfect figure and the lively soul he has, I start reading and I get lost in my universe.

Something fluffy brushes my hand and snaps me out of the memory, Vinci is finally up and willing to snuggle for a while. She’s feisty cat, filled with character but has a very curious and warm nature. With her in my lap, and my coffee on the little desk, I grab my book and enjoy some morning reading.

The only escape I have, the one moment of peace I get during the day when I’m not thinking about him, how the house used to be a home and now it feels colder than winter in the Alps, how he would make everything around special, how lively he was and how he would always make me feel loved and cared for.

We had created a colorful and beautiful canvas together, now I’m painting with black and gray shades.

After sitting for half an hour, I decide to get up. I take a shower, get changed and my phone rings. Chloe, my best friend, why is she calling me so early in the morning ? “Hello ?”

“Thank God you’re awake,” her voice blasting through the phone, “I need to come down here right now ! I don’t care how miserable you are or what kind of dreams you’ve had tonight again. You need to see this !”. She hears me grunting and sighing of exasperation “Sandra Michele Christie Gordoba”

The sound of the last name - his name - hits me like a blow to the stomach, knocking the air out of my lungs. “Stop using that name, please. It’s painful enough as it is” her voice breaking, she tried to keep her tone as level as possible.

“I’m sorry, you’re right, but please come, you really need to see this”. When she doesn’t reply, Chloe repeats “Please.” her voice softer, quieter. “Fine, I’ll be there in 15.”

Living on the outskirts of town, I needed some time to get the car ready and go downtown. I’m not sure I even have fuel, I only use it when necessary and barely use the car since that day anyway. Saying goodbye to Vinci, I head to the garage, get in the car and drive out. I hate driving, he used to drive all the time.

My mind is spiraling, I inhale deeply and I get a whiff of cinnamon and citrus, with a hint of amber. His parfume. He is everywhere. I think about the car rides we had together, the road trip across Europe, driving to a random cliff to stargaze. I force myself to stop thinking about him and trying figuring out what Chloe wants me to see so badly.

She lives between the townhall and the local bakery, one of the few places left untainted by his presence for me enjoy without feeling a wave of grief and sadness crashing over me and drowning me.

Before I know it, I reach the park across Chloe’s house and find a parking spot there. I get out of the car and the soft winter breeze bites into my skin, as I walk to her door. The scent of warm cinnamon rolls hits me, sharp, sweet and agonizingly nostalgic. Opening the door of the bakery, the bells jingle and I bask in the warmth of the place.

Amanda, the bakery’s owner, waves at me from behind the counter, bright smile on her face. She’s taking care of a customer, and while I wait, I greet some of the townspeople, same questions asked, same phrases again and again, part of the reason why she didn’t enjoy coming downtown anymore; “How are you feeling today ?” “You look better than the last time we saw you !” “It will get easier, just give it time”. A panorama of pity, empathy and sadness on their faces. I need to get out of here.

I walk up to the counter and stand behind the man in front of me, waiting. When he’s done, turns around to walk out and bumps into me, and I almost trip but he grabs me by the arm to help me regain my balance.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t realize you were behind me, please excuse me”. His words were rushed but in a confident way, something about him was unsettling but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

He was tall and lean, he was emanating warmth and comfort but in a lethal way. Everything about him looked controlled.

His dark curls framing his face, one of them falling on his forehead. His shirt was unbuttoned at the top, giving him a casual elegance as if even that was a deliberate decision. I could a thin silver chain with a small bird shaped pendant.

If there is one sure this, he was new in town, or at least, I have never seen him around. “No to apologize it’s not a big deal” I give him a polite smile, which he returns and extends his free hand to me “Thank you, I do not think we’ve met before, my name’s Samuel.” Shaking his hand I say “Nice to meet you Samuel, I’m Sandra”.

“The pleasure is mine, I’ll see you around !” He grins, and his eyes crinkle at the corners, he radiates energy and passion , feelings that have been foreign to me for a long time.

“Hi Sandy ! How have you been since we last saw each other ?” Amanda beams and snaps me out of my thoughts. She was a quiet but vibrant young woman, I used to babysit her when she was a child because her parents traveled a lot for business. We crossed paths a week ago when I was out grocery shopping. “I’ve been good, thanks for asking. How are you, how’s business ?”

“Oh it’s great ! Mama and Papa are here for the week and they’ve been staying with me getting their pastries here everyday. You should come visit before they leave !” She replies with a warm smile, “Thank you for the invite, I’ll let you know if I’m available”

“Perfect ! What can I get for you ? the usual ?”

“Yes please, and add a lemon tart for Chloe as well please”

“Aright, here you go ! Have a good day and see you soon”

“Thank you Amanda, I’ll see you soon”

I walk out of the bakery, and I feel the relief in my shoulders, no pity stares or sad smiles anymore, I can only take so much. I would love to see Michael and Georgia, Amanda’s parents, again. They used to come by the house often and we would have dinner together, barbecues, birthdays, and get-togethers, but ever since he left, I have been closed of, and I haven’t been able to do anything without him, sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe without him, it suffocates me.

I walk to Chloe’s door, and before I get the chance to knock the door opens, “Sandra you scared me !”

“You’re so dramatic, I was about to knock”

“Yeah, fine whatever, since you’re here, let’s go for a walk. Oh my God you got me a lemon tart !”

Rolling my eyes at her surprise I just hand it to her, she weaves her arm through mine and leads the walk. We stop on the way to get a hot chocolate, the feeling of it warming my hands. After walking for a bit, and listening to Chloe tell me about her week, we find a bench in the park, facing the grass where kids are playing, some people are walking their dogs, other are doing a morning run.

Running out of patience I blurt out “Alright what did you drag me all the way here for ?” For the first time in what I think is forever, Chloe looks nervous to tell me about this, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, when she opens them she hands me a leaflet and I read “Writing Workshop featuring bestseller author !”

“Look, I know you’re still grieving, I know you still think about him a lot, and I know how hard it has been for you, but I don’t want to see my best friend live a miserable sad life for the next 30 years. He wouldn’t want that for you either. Think about this, we’ll do it together, they have activities planned, food, drinks, and maybe you’ll find a new hobby, something for you, and not something that you shared or something that will suffocate you”

I look at the leaflet, I’m dazed, I don’t know what to think. If I go, I will be surrounded by people who knew us, who know me and him. I’m not strong enough to face them looking at me and pointing “that’s the woman who can’t grieve her late husband, he died 10 years ago, and she’s still miserable about it”.

“Chloe… I don’t know if this is a good idea, I feel like I’m not ready for this yet.”

“Maybe not, but you will never know until you put yourself out there, and you know he would want that for you. Where did that fearless girl go ?”

The truth is, that fearless girl only existed thanks to him. If I had not met him, if we had not become friends, I never would’ve gone out of my comfort zone, I never would’ve gone head first into the unknown, I never would’ve gone from being the quiet shy girl to the bright and joyful woman I once was. He made it all happen, I haven’t been able to find myself without him.

After what felt like an eternity of silence, Chloe finally said “Just think about it, please, maybe it’s time for you to find yourself again and try new things. Life is greater than death, don’t waste it away”

A lump formed in my throat and my vision became blurry. I let out a sob and a tear fell when Chloe took me in her arms and gave me a tight hug.