In Loving Memory of My Brother

I am not a poet, but this was an assignment for my Creative Writing class in the Fall 2021 semester, soon after Matthew’s death. We were learning about repetition and had to write a short piece based on the literary device. As a coping mechanism, I decided to write about Matthew and address my questions when I wrote this on September 22nd, 2021. Forgive my poor poetry skills; I want to share this with you all. The piece’s name is Bargaining because I was dealing with the bargaining stage of grief when I wrote it. This is most likely just me, but I love this piece.

Bargaining

Why?

Why was it him?

Why did the world take my parents’

only biological child?

Why wasn’t it me?

I have sinned so much in the past few years,

to the point that I have lost track

of all the horrible things

I have done.

Why was my brother the one punished

and not me?

Why did this have to happen so close to his

32nd birthday?

After everything he has been through,

this is how the world repays him for

overcoming his

alcoholism?

Why is the world such a cruel place?

Why is there just as much good in the world

as there is evil?

Why were Mom and I the last people

he talked to?

Why did he die

only 20 minutes after getting off the phone with us?

Why did he accept those drugs from someone?

a straight-up murderer?

on the street?

Why am I still here?

Why did I survive those 24 hours

on the doorstep of the orphanage

in frigid Russia,

with only a blanket and crib to guide me?

Why,

out of all the orphans,

did my adopted parents

choose

me?

Why did my brother want a little sister?

I was a chubby, little thing—

severely malnourished—

and now I struggle with anxiety.

Why is grief so

mentally and physically exhausting?

Why are there so many people

who support us?

Is this really what love is all about?

Is that all grief is?

Why am I down here

and not with my family during this time of mourning?

Why did I come back to school

only a week after the tragedy?

Why am I so desperate to succeed,

considering the current circumstances?

Most importantly...

What is the true meaning of this anomaly

that we call “life”?

Instructor Feedback:

"This piece is compelling, Victoria, and I appreciate your narrative honesty. Writing can really help us work through our memories, questions, and pain, and I am grateful that some of these prompts are helping you do just that. I hope you will share this beautiful piece with your counselor if you think that might be helpful in this process. We at CofC are always here to support you, and your presence in class is always a true delight."