Turnt On

November 1, 2038

It was the day after their wedding day. Halloween had been all trick and no treat for 23-year-old Demetrice and Anaconda Pounder, at least from his perspective. He desperately wanted to get laid. She wanted to lose her V card despite her claims of being asexual. They went 0 for 2 in their respective quests.

The two best friends took their losses in stride. The hefty Annie chalked up her failure to nerves, a lack of arousal, recent weight gain, various hangovers from childhood trauma and maybe an ancient witch’s curse that needed to be broken. Demetrice was gracious. He knew his Annie. There was no rush, he reasoned. He had an entire lifetime to fill up her chocolate bowl. Although he was a progressive type of brother, he really didn’t believe in Annie’s claims of being asexual. He was counting on Annie eventually warming up to the idea of marital intercourse.

Now it was day 2. Despite the fact they shared their favorite pizza, a glass of wine and were lying naked in bed with him on top, Anaconda Pounder wasn’t in a love making mood. Demetrice was losing his patience.

“C’mon. Work with me, Annie.”

“I’m sorry Dick, I’m really not feeling this.”

“You said that last night.”

“I did. I’m still not feeling your manly charms tonight.”

“You won’t even look at me when I try to make love to you.”

“I’m trying, dude. I’m a not-looking-in-the-face type of gal. I don’t want get too personal.”

“Annie..., of course it’s personal. We’re married now.”

“And I’m trying to warm my oven for sex. But the dials aren’t working. I think my thermal energy transfer of molecules got stuck. They won’t vibrate enough kinetic energy.”

“Don’t retreat into your shell of sci-fi intellectualism.” Dick said, waging his finger, “You pull away when I touch you, down there.”

“Dick, your touch has all the tenderness of your local butcher throwing out the innards of today’s special. There..., is that plain enough for you?”

Dick rolled off of Annie’s puffed belly. Growing up, they had similar slim body types. Now they were adults and Annie’s body was still growing. He claimed her weight gain wasn’t a problem for him. Perhaps it was a problem for her. At her current weight of 215 pounds, it had to be hard to think of herself as anything but unattractive. Plus, she was starting to have health issues.

“You can do this to me.” He sighed, staring at the ceiling, “But what you’re doing to yourself is worse.”

“What am I doing to myself?”

“You’re into your self-loathing mode.”

“It ain’t self-loathing, Motherfucker. I don’t like sex. At least not the way you like it. Maybe next time you’ll believe me when I warn you like, a 150 thousand times.” Annie said, staring up at the ceiling next to him.

The way Annie talked to Dick was rough. He didn’t take offense, at least he usually didn’t. Being lifelong friends and growing up in the same house for much of that time, he was used to it. What bothered him was the two of them seemed to be drifting apart emotionally. That used to be their strongpoint. As two black nerds living in the heart of a lower middle-class black neighborhood, they grew up watching Star Trek, Doctor Who, and going to Comic Con dressed up in costumes. They were already an outcast among their own people. They had always reveled in sharing that bond. The bond was weakening.

Annie hopped out of bed and slipped on her long-sleeved flannel pajamas. Like all of her wardrobe it was purchased when she was thinner. It no longer fit her body correctly. The moment she started walking around the hotel room, it immediately began bunching up into her butt crack, causing a wedgie. As she bent over into the fridge, Dick couldn’t help but point out the wardrobe malfunction.

“Do you realize your pajamas-” He started to say.

“Are wedging into my butt crack,” Annie jumped in, “Yes, I do. Thank you for the alert, sir.”

“You need to buy new clothes.”

“I know I can get down a size. I’m just in a rough patch right now.”

“You said that when you got to 200. You weigh 215.”

“And I’m still in that rough patch, motherfucker.”

Annie turned to smile at Dick to take the edge of her words. She knew she talked to him in an abusive fashion. He knew that was the way she vented, and she really didn’t mean to hurt him. But still, at times she worried that she was being too rough.

Annie sat down with her bottle of water and started playing music through her I-pad. It was an abrasive brand of hip hop that involved a lot of discordant samples. It sounded like several different records were being sampled at once and it was not by any means a smooth mix. Dick reacted immediately.

“No, no, not that shit again.” He grimaced.

“It’s my latest fascination.” Annie said.

“What the hell do they even call that stuff?”

“You know what, I’m not even sure. I’ve got to research it better. All I know is it’s addictive as hell.”

“That shit’s only for those club kids. And even then, it’s only for those club kids that get so high they don’t even know where they are. What happened to our old school mix? Outcast, Tribe called Quest, X-Clan?”

“Dick, that stuffs so old that it should come with a warning label. Listening to it might give you rheumatoid arthritis.”

“Says the girl that was named after a rap song that sounds even more dated.”

“Hey, you know what a flake my mom was. Anaconda was a sensation back in 2015. It’s not my fault that it sucks.”

Dick sat back on the bed with his hands covering his bulging erection. He still had hopes of romance. If listening to Annie’s music could bring that closer to happening, then he would indulge her. There was a female voice rapping over the terrible music, but it had no flow whatsoever. Even with Dolby sound you couldn’t even hear what she was saying.

“Turn that shit off.” Dick finally repeated.

“Okay, okay, I’ll do something else.”

Annie turned on the hotel tv and tried to sign into Netflix. Dick looked on in bewilderment.

“Well, this is really going to help the love making process.” He said, sarcastically.

“I’m sorry Dick, I need a break. We’ve been trying for half an hour. I’m dry as a powder house down there.”

Annie grabbed her bag of chocolate covered pretzels. She began munching loudly as she scrolled through the top watched movie section. The still naked Dick folded his arms and propped his pillow behind his head.

“Tell you what,” He said, “Why don’t you do to me what you’re currently doing to that bag of pretzels? You don’t even have to take off those big girl, tight ass pajamas.”

Annie rolled her eyes. She had tried to him oral when they were in college. It always ended with her regurgitating the contents of her last meal. She tried to make light of the situation.

“If I’m going to go full cannibal then I have to call room service to mop up the blood when I’m done. Oh, and a bottle of toothpicks. You know how I always get meat between that gap in my front teeth.”

Dick shook his head. It was Annie’s sarcastic sense of humor that drew him to her. They laughed their way through grammar school, high school and college. Lately, Annie’s voice had an edge to it, like maybe she wasn’t kidding.

“Is it the room?” He asked. “You’d rather be in a southern California beach house, wearing pink sandals and a wide brim straw hat, right?”

The two were in a cheap hotel in Tinley Park, Illinois. It was the best they could afford.

“You know I don’t care about money,” Annie said. She held up her pretzels, “Except having enough to keep buying family sized bags of these.”

“The family sized bags need to stop. You’re as big as a house.”

“There you go again. So, weight really is an issue after all.”

“I’m just making an obvious fucking observation.”

“I don’t need it. I walk in front of a mirror every time I take a shit. I said I’m working on it.”

Annie and Dick always fought and busted on each other as buddies tend to do. But this was more than harmless ribbing. It didn’t help that Dick kept himself in tip top physical condition. There were too many warning signs that their lives and habits were diverging. Their agreement to turn a friendship into a marriage was looking like a questionable decision.

“Annie, you said you’d try. You ain’t really trying. I’ve done everything in my power to get you in the mood and accommodate you in every way possible. Why don’t you want to have sex with me?”

Annie stopped munching and swallowed hard. She put down the clicker and looked her new husband directly in the eye.

“Demetrice, I’m going to be completely honest with you. I find the idea of being fucked by you utterly repulsive. It makes my stomach turn and bowels rumble. I’d rather straddle a row of cactus thorns in the middle of the desert.”

Dick usually took Annie’s caustic wit well. He wasn’t smiling now.

“Is that supposed to be funny?” He asked.

“It’s 100 percent truth.” She snapped, “Take it any way you like.”

“Then why did you agree to marry me?”

“It was your idea, boss, not mine.”

“Are you serious? That’s what you’re going with in making a life changing decision?”

“I told you I was asexual. I’ve told you this at least once a week for the last four years. I like you, I care about you, we have good times together. We both love the same things. You are the dearest friend I have. But I warned you, dude. You can’t say that I didn’t.”

“You warned me what?” He asked.

Annie knew Dick was playing dumb. He wanted to hear her say it out loud to remind them both that the stakes had been raised. They had tried intimacy many times since they had turned legal adults. But now they were legally bound as man and wife.

“I warned you not to marry my fat, asexual ass. I don’t get turned on like so-called normal people do. I’m unfuckable. It’s not personal. I told you, we’re best buds. We should keep it that way. But nooooo...., you said let’s get married. Getting married will change things.”

“Okay, but Annie, you agreed to go along with the marriage. I didn’t force you into it. Now you’re not even trying-”

“I am fucking trying!” Annie exploded, “This is the way I am, all five foot nine, two hundred fifteen pounds of fun. I fucking warned you. You chose not to listen. So here we are, husband.”

“Yes wife, here we are. Booked into a fuck hotel..., not fucking.”

The words hung in the air. Conversation came to a halt.

Annie settled into her reclining chair. She decided on a horror movie and dug into her bag of chocolate covered pretzels with gusto. She liked to eat when she was angry, anxious or depressed. In other words, she ate all the time. She didn’t hear Dick getting dressed until he stood blocking her view with his jacket on.

“Where the hell are you going?” She asked.

“I’m going to see if I can get this sham marriage annulled.”

“Dude..., it’s 10 o’clock at night.”

“I didn’t say ‘I do’ just to be put in the damn friend zone.”

The door slammed. Annie kept watching her movie and didn’t stop eating. She knew Dick. He was prone to his little tantrums. He would take a long walk and be back in 45 minutes.

The bigger point remained. Why did she agree to marry a man she had no romantic desire for and was also her best friend? Had her ill-fated decision ended their relationship entirely?