The Girl Who Felt Everything Louder

I’m the funny one in the room. At least that’s what people think. I laugh easily. I talk when there’s something to say. I make small jokes without trying too hard.

In their eyes, I’m the energetic, crazy, happy, funny one. And because of that, people don’t look twice.

They assume I’m fine, but they’re only seeing what I allow them to see.

Inside me, it’s not like that at all. Inside, everything feels louder than it should.

A single sentence someone says can stay in my head for hours—sometimes days, weeks, or maybe forever.

I’m the girl who doesn’t just hear words. I keep them. I replay them, change the tone in my mind, test different meanings, trying to understand what they really meant when they said it.

Even when nothing is wrong, my mind finds something to question.

Did I do something wrong?

Are they upset with me?

Do they even care..?

Am I even enough..?

And once my mind starts it doesn't know how to stop.

They loop....Again and again.

Like my brain refuses to leave anything unfinished.

Even memories behave like that. They don’t stay in the past the way they’re supposed to. They come back suddenly, without warning, and sit in my mind like they never left.

The memories… they all come back at once.

And I just lie there…

Thinking.

Feeling.

Overthinking.

Sometimes sadness shows up without a reason I can explain. Sometimes anxiety sits in my chest like something is about to go wrong, even when nothing is happening. Sometimes emptiness comes, and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel anymore.

During the day, I hide it well.

I smile when I need to. I talk when I’m expected to. I act normal enough that no one stops to question if I’m okay or not. I’ve learned how to make my pain invisible.

So invisible that even people close to me don’t notice it.

I look normal when you see me and that’s the first lie.

Not because I’m trying to lie—but because there’s no other way to explain me in a single look. You see my face, my clothes, the way I sit in a room, the way I respond when someone talks to me… and you think that’s all there is.

But there’s a whole other version of me that never shows.

The real one.

The worst questions come to my mind....

What if that person actually hated me and I just didn’t realize it?

What if I ruined something without knowing?

What if I’m just a burden and people are tired of me but being polite?

My brain doesn’t ask once. It repeats it until I feel it.

Again and again.

Like it wants me to believe it.

And maybe that's the hardest part.

Not that I feel things deeply, but that I have to feel them quietly.

So quietly that no one even knows and thinks I'm hurting.

When I sit in a room full of people, I laugh at the right moments. I respond when needed. I look like I belong there.

But inside, I’m not always there.

Sometimes I’m inside my own head, watching myself from far away, wondering when I started becoming someone who carries everything alone.

I don’t even know how to explain it properly.

Because if I start, I won’t know where to stop.

So I don’t start. I just stay quiet.

And In other peoples mind they think I'm okay.

At night, when everything finally slows down, I stop pretending. There’s no one to perform for anymore. No one to smile at. No one to answer.

Just me and my thoughts.

And that’s when it all comes back.

Every small moment I ignored during the day. Every word I overthought but never spoke about. Every feeling I swallowed just to avoid being “too much.”

They don’t come one by one.

They come together.

All at once.

Like they were waiting for me to be alone.

I lie there and try to calm my mind, but it doesn’t listen. It replays everything I wish I didn’t care about this much. It creates meanings I never asked for. It turns small things into heavy things.

And I just… take it.

Someone once said to me,

“You’re always so happy, Mira. You don’t even get stressed.”

I smiled. A real smile on my face.

But inside, I just thought...

If only you could hear my mind right now.

I just said softly,

“Yeah… I guess I don’t show it much.”

Because how do I explain something like this?

How do I tell someone that I overthink a single message for hours?

A conversation comes back to me where I finally tried to explain how I was feeling. Not everything. Just a small part of it.

I said,

“I don’t know… I just feel like people don’t really understand me sometimes.”

Before I could continue, someone laughed a little and said,

“Mira, you’re just overthinking it again.”

And then the conversation moved on.

Just like that.

As if what I said was something light.

Something that didn’t need attention.

I remember smiling. Not because it was funny. But because I didn’t know what else to do.

Another day, I was quieter than usual. I was already feeling too much inside, but I didn’t say anything.

Still, someone looked at me and said,

“You need to stand up for yourself, you know? People will take advantage of you if you stay like this.”

I nodded.

I understood what they meant.

But what I couldn’t say was.... I don’t even know where to start when it comes to standing up for myself.

Because every time I try, I either get ignored… or laughed off… or cut off before I even finish my sentence.

There was a moment I tried again.

I said,

“Sometimes I feel like I care too much and people don’t really see it.”

I didn’t even get to finish properly.

Someone chuckled and said,

“Bro, you think too deeply about everything, chill out a bit.”

And another voice joined in,

“She’s always like this, overthinking small things.”

They laughed. Not in a mean way.

Just casually.

Like my pain was something small. Something light enough to joke about.

And I stood there quietly.

Not because I had nothing to say.

But because I didn’t know how to make them hear me without feeling like I was being too much.

So I stopped trying.

Every time I tried to speak and ended up swallowing my words instead.

And I lie there thinking that....

Maybe I am overthinking, maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I should just stop feeling so much.

But then I remember something else.

I remember how real it felt when I was ignored.

How heavy it felt when I wasn’t taken seriously.

How lonely it felt when my words didn’t reach anyone.

And I realize that ....It wasn’t overthinking.

It was just me feeling things no one stopped to notice.

So I stay quiet again.

And people think I’m okay.

But I’m not okay in a loud way.

I’m not okay in a way that anyone notices.

I’m okay in a way that disappears.

And the worst part is that even when I try to speak…I still end up unheard.