Duality

I didn’t set out to be this person. I wanted to be faithful. I looked down on men and women who broke their vows. How could they, right? Didn’t they once swear to love and honor, in sickness and in health? How could they violate that trust? Yeah, if only I hadn’t become that person. If only I hadn’t lost my mind and followed my hormones. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t all about the hormones. Sometimes, when you are married a while, you find yourself being seduced by the attention of that attractive friend. Did I say attractive? I meant hot. Smoking hot. Anyway, like I said, I didn’t set out to be this person. He was hot. He was sexy in a bend you over the table and take you in a conference room kind of way. He was everything my sweet and loving husband wasn’t.He was different and, after a few years of vanilla, I wanted more.

When we met, Gabriel was polite and respectful. We were the craziest people in our office and we just clicked.We had inside jokes, we would gossip, talk about our favorite shows, and hang out for happy hours and lunch. Everyone assumed that we were having an affair but we weren’t. We were just really great friends. But, like so many people say, men and women can’t just be friends. We weren’t blind after all. He was good looking. I was attractive. We saw each other often. It was bound to happen.

Gabriel walked into the conference room as I was setting up for a meeting. “Need any help?” he asked. “No, I’m almost done. I am not looking forward to this stupid meeting. How many times do we have to go over this for the clients?” I asked. I looked up and realized he was only about 6 inches away from me. All of a sudden, I felt…warm. Maybe it was because of the way he was looking at me. Maybe it was because of the way his voice slowly dropped low and deep. He was staring at my mouth and I had no idea what to do. I was literally backed up against a conference room wall and very aware that he was inching closer to me. He slowly slid his arm up the wall behind me. “Well, maybe if you weren’t so sexy. If you didn’t have that way about you, they might be able to pay attention.” He leaned in and grazed my lips with his. I could smell his cologne around me. I could feel the weight of his body pressing against mine. His left hand was slowly finding its way from my ass up to my waist, hugging my curves as he lightly caressed my breast and settled his hand against the back of my neck. I think I may have whispered no to him but it was probably my imagination. That slow, sexy first kiss that feels like hours but was probably a few seconds.We kissed again. Finally, I realized where I was and slowly pushed him away. Hello? Who am I? What am I doing? I am at work. With my friend! Why are we kissing? I am married! When can I kiss him again? Wait, what? I was beyond confused. Before I could even get a word out, he apologized to me and ran off to his office.

What the hell just happened here? How am I supposed to concentrate on this presentation when I am replaying those seconds on a loop in my head? Luckily, the clients were entering the conference room so I was forced to turn my attention to something else. I rushed through that presentation like my life depended on it. I needed to talk to Gabriel.I need to know what the hell all that was.I was angry and turned on at the same time. Everyone had told me that men and women couldn’t be friends. I should stop spending so much time with my male friends because I was married. I argued with all of those people. Constantly. How could I be so wrong?

Gabriel was definitely avoiding me. I texted him saying we needed to talk and finally got a response. We would talk over lunch so no one would hear our conversation. We had to continue our daily routine otherwise people would have been suspicious. On a normal day, we would drive over to the park and eat our lunches at the swings. (I told you we were crazy) Today, we drove to the park but decided to stay in the car to talk things over. It all started off so awkward. Gabriel turned off the car and turned to me and apologized again. “I am so, so sorry. I know, you’re married. We are friends. I didn’t plan to kiss you. I don’t have any excuse. I’m so sorry. I just have wanted to be with you for so long that I couldn’t help myself anymore. I didn’t mean for that to happen.” I was stunned, still. Finally, I turned to look at him. “Don’t apologize. I guess I wanted that to happen. I didn’t expect it but I liked it. I really liked it. Probably too much” I said. He looked up at me, put his hand out, and I held it. He leaned over again and kissed me. I kissed him back. He leaned over into my seat, gripped a handful of my hair, and was pulling me towards him. I felt myself lean against him, kissing him. It wasn’t anything like the kiss in the conference room. This kiss would have turned right into sex if we weren’t at a park near work in the middle of the day. We were like a couple of teenagers making out during lunch. His hand went up my shirt and his fingers found my nipples. My hands unzipped his pants and found him huge and rock hard straining against his boxer briefs and all I wanted to do was free him, mount him. I wanted nothing more than to climb onto his lap and ride him over and over again. I was so distracted that I didn’t even realize that his hand had gone up my skirt. I moaned as he pushed his fingers inside of me. His warm breath against my ear, he whispered “God I want to fuck you so bad right now. I want to feel you cum”. That sent me over the edge and I exploded. “You have no idea how much I want you right now” I said as I took him into my mouth. Now, he was the one who was breathless. As I took him in further and further I could hear him, I could feel him tensing, his hand gripping me, I could finally taste him.

We sat there in that parking lot, thankful that it was winter so it was empty, and caught our breaths. We looked at each other, holding hands, and in complete shock. He looked at me and asked “what the hell just happened?” I just shook my head and said “I don’t know but we better figure it out.” “Yeah, we do but not today. I think we’re both a little surprised by all this” he said as he kissed me.

Oh really? You think? Easy for him to say. He isn’t married. He isn’t even dating anyone. He is single. I’m the complicated one. I am the one who just blew her world apart. Instead of screaming all of these things, I just nodded and said we should probably get back to work.

How do you go back to work after that and not feel like it is the walk of shame? I don’t know but I felt ok. I was ok. Actually, I was happy. I was happier than I had been in a long time. I wasn’t just someone’s wife. This gorgeous guy wanted me. He found me sexy. ME! That felt amazing. Yes, I know my husband tells me I am beautiful and sexy but this was different. This man, this handsome, funny, sexy man wants me. I was practically strutting by the end of the day. He came over to my office a couple of times to check on me and chat. Everything seemed normal to the outside world but we knew better. We knew that this was only the beginning of our bad decisions, even if we didn’t want to say it out loud.

Going home lately has been kind of tough. I know that there will inevitably be an argument or at least some bickering. My husband is a good man but when he’s stressed out, he’s not that nice of a guy. Since I am the one at home, I am the one who bears the brunt of his nastiness. Again, about 85% of the time, he is wonderful but that 15% is brutal.I am definitely not one to back down either so I either shut up and walk away or I fight right back. Like I said, coming home lately has been a challenge. It’s often the last place I want to be. Today though, today I wasn’t worrying about how miserable the rest of my evening was going to be. I wasn’t thinking about my husband getting annoyed with me because I had forgotten to run the dishwasher and left a glass with milk in the sink. I had much bigger things to think about. I walked in the door, changed into a tank top and yoga pants, and walked into the bathroom. While washing my hands I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and smiled. I had this huge secret that made me feel great about myself. I fixed my hair a little bit and had a flash to Gabriel tugging my hair. I felt myself flush and start to tingle. I felt good. I felt wanted. I hustled into the kitchen to start dinner and my feed my puppy. I turned on some music and danced while prepping the food. My hips were swiveling all over the place when my husband came home. Instead of feeling guilty, I was giddy. I said hello, asked him about his day, and asked if he was hungry. He eyed me warily and asked if I had a good day. “Yeah, it was pretty good. I can’t complain. Ready to eat?” I asked.

Yes, I know. I am the worst wife ever. How could I be so free of guilt right now? What was wrong with me? I’ll tell you what was wrong with me. I could smell Gabriel’s cologne all over me. I was watching TV with my husband and remembering Gabriel backing me into the conference room wall. I was getting turned on all over again. So when my husband Mark (who must have been in a good mood because I didn’t argue with him when he said that I never cleaned up) started to kiss my neck when I was washing the pans, I turned around and started kissing him.Mark slid the straps of my tank top down past my shoulders and slowly tugged it down until my breasts were bare. “God, I love your tits” he said as he began to nibble and suck on my nipple alternating between the two until I was moaning like a whore. I tugged his shirt off, unbuckled his belt, and ripped his pants down right there in front of the kitchen sink. I dropped to my knees and, for the second time today, took a man into my mouth. This time though, it was man. My husband. Right when he was on the brink, I stopped.I shimmied out of my yoga pants and hopped onto the kitchen counter. This time, he dropped to his knees and began to explore me with his tongue. He licked and sucked until I was screaming. His fingers and tongue made me cum several times in that kitchen, on the counter and on the floor. He picked me up and bent me over the kitchen table and glided into my wetness from behind. His hands reached around and found the perfect spot on the first try. As he entered me, I caught a whiff of Gabriel’s cologne again and came. Mark kept going and I was building up again, only this time I was imagining Gabriel behind me.Mark’s hot breath was in my ear as he said “I’ve wanted this all day long. To be in you, fucking you.” It was Mark’s voice but I could only hear and feel Gabriel at that moment. Again and again I felt him pounding until I lost all control, my legs shaking, and then the stillness as Mark came too. He was bent over me, both of us sweaty and out of breath. He slowly pulled away, turned me around, and kissed me, tenderly. “That was amazing” he said. “I definitely needed that after the day I had”.

It was then that I realized, I am cheating on my husband yet it was making me a better wife to him. Maybe I was trying tojustify my actions, okay we all know that is exactly what I was doing, but it was kind of true. I was sexually reawakened. We were barely done and I wanted him again. Him who? Mark ? Gabriel? It didn’t matter. They both played a role in my life. They both knew me and wanted me. They both couldn’t keep their hands off of me. That felt…amazing. I was never a girl who needed her looks to be validated by men before but this felt pretty fucking cool. I wasn’t just the good girl who made all the right choices in life and did what was expected of me. I was also a bad girl now. I was the girl who blew two different guys in one day. Two different guys fingered me in less than 8 hours. I was with two different guys who cared about me in completely different ways. Gabriel was my best friend. He and I had no secrets. None. I could talk to him for hours about my issues with my husband and he would give me the guy’s perspective. I would give him advice about the girls he was dating. We were there for each other when things were shitty or great at work. Up until today, I never would have expected to have hooked up with Gabriel. Of course I had the passing dirty, filthy dream about him. It’s just a dream, no big deal I used to say. Now, it is my reality or it could be. Mark was my other best friend. We had been through almost everything together for the last ten years. He knew my family, my friends, my deep dark secrets and fears. He knew my goals and was often my biggest cheerleader as well as my biggest critic. We made vows; vows that I broke today. Yet here we were, sexually reconnecting. It felt amazing, like when we were first dating. I know that Gabriel had a part in it, but I needed to figure out how and why.

I needed a nice, long shower to get some focus. The hot water struck my skin and began turning my pale skin bright pink. As I was soaping up, I tried to convince myself that Gabriel and I were friends and could move past the most insane day of my life. We could reclaim our friendship and not ruin my marriage. Just then, I heard my cell phone beep. I pulled back the shower curtain to check.It was a text from Gabriel. “I know I shouldn’t be writing this, but I can’t stop thinking about today.” That’s it. Those simple words launched a thousand butterflies in my chest and stomach. I quickly texted back, water dripping from my fingers onto the bathroom tile, “I know. Me too. Let’s talk about it over a drink after work tomorrow. Mark is working late.” Sent. I had the feeling that I made the best and worst decision of my life with that one text. I deleted those two messages immediately and shut off the water. I was toweling off when Mark came into the bathroom, smiling with his naughty little smirk. His dimples were flashing and his eyes were twinkling. “Oh, you’re done? I was hoping to dirty you up some more.” I laughed and realized he was backing me into the shower. He towered over me, naked, and turned the water back on. He was ready. I was about to tell him I was tired when I felt his hand between my legs. What is it with these men? How do they manage to know exactly what to do to make me lose all rational thought? When did Mark become so aggressive? He hasn’t been like this in years. I was about to ask him when he lifted me up against the wall, placed my legs on each side of the tub, and lowered me onto him. It happened so quickly that I barely had time to register what was happening. My body did though. It felt every single thrust. The cool tile at my back with the hot water beating against us. Mark stared into my eyes the whole time and didn’t say a word. I don’t know why but that was incredibly hot to me. It was like he was on a sexual autopilot and I was along for the ride. Mark grunted as he came inside of me and slid me down off the wall, finally kissing me. Then, realizing that I had not finished, he brought the showerhead down, guided my hands down, and held me while I had one of the most intense orgasms of my life.

I climbed into bed, exhausted because of this ridiculous day. I must have passed out right away because the next thing I knew, it was morning and Mark had texted me thanking me for a great night, wishing me a good day at work, and saying he would see me around 8:30 tonight. Work. Oh no, I have to talk to Gabriel today. Fuuuuuuuuuck. What am I going to say? Let’s be friends because my husband and I fucked each other’s brains out last night. Thanks for the assist though? That’s not right. Let’s be fuck buddies so that I can have both you and my husband? That’s not fair. Ugh. Let’s just see how this talk goes. I’m sure Gabriel will say that it was a mistake, a one-time thing, and let’s put it behind us.

That didn’t stop me from putting on the blouse that I was wearing the time I caught Gabriel staring at my chest, or the pencil skirt that everyone compliments me on that hugs my hips and ass just right, or the 4-inch heels that I save for meetings with high-profile clients when I want them eating out of my hand. Nope. I did all of those things. Why? Because I felt like a freaking sexual goddess. I had the most insane day yesterday. I was going to try to hang onto this feeling as long as I could. I practically sashayed my ass into my office to the numerous greetings and compliments on how nice I looked. No sign of Gabriel. I was starting to have a girly internal freakout when my phone went off. It was him. Gabriel. “Are we still on for tonight?’ “Yes. Where are we going? The BBQ place ok?” I texted back. “Sure, that works. I’ll stop by to see you in a few minutes before my meeting.” he answered. I don’t know why, but I deleted those messages too. Something in me told me that I shouldn’t keep them. They were very innocent, and we have had those text conversations a million times, but I still felt like there was something different about these. Luckily, my manager called and distracted me by asking me to complete my report by close of business today. Good, something that I had to focus on would keep me from thinking about yesterday. I was on page 12 of the report when I saw his tanned hand place a cup of coffee in front of me. I looked up and there was Gabriel. His bright smile lighting up his face. It was an infectious smile. I immediately felt myself perk up and thanked him for the coffee. “How are you? You look nice.” he said. Then, “Is it for me?” he whispered. “What? For you? I dress nicely all the time jerk.” I said laughing. He laughed and it felt normal. Easy, like our relationship had always been. Except this time, I got butterflies when he smiled at me. My stomach did flips as he looked right into my eyes. He’d done those things a million times before but today, I was more aware of him. How he moved. How he spoke. How he leaned back into a chair but would always lean towards me when I spoke to him. How he would get unnecessarily close behind me to throw his coffee stirrer into my trash bin. It used to be a joke between us how I couldn’t stand to have people behind me, in my space. “I can’t. I just can’t” I would say when it happened and he would laugh at me every single time. Now, it felt different. Hot.

“Hey, there are donuts in the break room. I heard there are a few chocolate glazed down there. Wanna go grab some before they’re all gone.”Gabriel asked me. “Sure” I said, “You know that Isabella is going to take at least 5 by the time we get downstairs” “Let’s take the stairs. The elevator was making a weird noise this morning when I got in” he told me. “Greaaaat, on the day I wear these insane heels. Awesome” I said partially joking. We began talking about the report I was working on when we got to the first landing of the stairwell. Gabriel grabbed my arm, pulled me towards him, and kissed me. I felt it everywhere. It was like my body was on fire. I pulled away and looked around, scared. “What if someone would have seen us?!?” I scream whispered. “Tom called a staff meeting downstairs. No one will see us.” He said as his hand skimmed over the back of my skirt and rested at the bottom curve of my ass. He pulled me towards him, crotch to crotch, and I could feel him straining against his well-fitting suit.I don’t know why, but I was dizzy with desire for him. I wanted him and almost didn’t care if we were caught. He kissed me again, holding my ass, tugging my hair, and bending me backwards ever so slightly. I was teetering on those heels and had to hold onto him, tightly. My right hand found the back of his neck and my left gripped his shoulder. Suddenly, I heard a door a few levels down open up and some laughter. We pulled apart, smoothed ourselves over, and walked downstairs talking about donuts. We reached the same landing as a couple of our friends, Vanessa and Marnie, and Vanessa said, “if you’re looking for donuts, you’re too late. Isa took the rest. You have to be quicker than that to get something sweet in this building.” Gabriel and I looked at each other and started laughing “I guess so” he said. “Maybe next time”. We turned around and walked back up with Vanessa and Marnie as though nothing happened.

At my desk, my mind was racing. How did they not catch us? How did they not notice my hair was a little messy in the back, my lipstick slightly smeared, his raging boner?!? That was luck. Serious luck. Gabriel texted me, “Close call huh”. “You think?!? Never again” I replied. A minute later I got “We’ll see about that”. I deleted those text messages as well. Now I was starting to feel guilty but realized that I had to get that report done. When Gabriel called to ask about lunch, I asked him to order us some food to eat in the break room because I needed to focus on the report. I think he also knew that I was worried about what could, or would, happen if we were alone again. Finally, with the report turned in, I could process the last two days. I sat there at my desk until it was time to leave. Our clerk came in and asked if I was ok because I hadn’t gone to visit Gabriel, Vanessa, or Marnie for my daily chats with them. I told her I was just really trying to concentrate on my report and was fine. I left my office and went to speak with Marnie. She was a smart, older woman who had become my mentor. I wouldn’t dare tell her anything but I needed the distraction. I also needed to be away from Gabriel’s cologne. Apparently one whiff and I was hooked. Marnie looked thrilled to see me. “You look so nice! How have you been my dear? Did you get that report done?” she asked. “Yeah, finally. I’m a little off today so it took me longer than normal” I replied. “Eh, it happens. So, what are you doing after work? You and Mark have dinner plans?” “Me?” I asked. “No, Mark is working late so Gabriel and I are going to grab a bite and then I am heading home. Nothing crazy” “Oh, that’s nice. You need to find that boy a nice girlfriend. Help him settle down. Like you.” she said. I laughed, probably louder than I needed to and said, “Find him a nice girlfriend? What would he do with a nice girl? He’s not ready for a nice girl yet. He’s young and just wants to fool around”. (Obviously I was thinking through my situation out loud with Marnie and it was helping). “He’s a great guy but he is in no way ready to commit to any girl right now. It’s his time to have fun. If he doesn’t do it now, when will he? When he’s married? Let him get the bad boy thing out of his system and he will pick a nice girl when he is ready. Like when he’s 40” We laughed and Marnie said, “Yeah, you’re absolutely right. He’s a good time guy. That’s why we love him. Well, it’s quitting time. You don’t have to go home but you have to get the hell out of here. HAHA I crack myself up!” I laughed and went back to my office, grabbed my things, and slowly walked over to Gabriel’s office.

Gabriel was on a call but gestured for me to sit down. I sat and waited for him. Fifteen minutes later, the office was practically deserted, and he got off the phone. “I’m sorry, I didn’t expect that call to take so long” he said. I waved him off, “No worries. It’s not like the BBQ place is going to close any time soon. Are you ready?” I asked him. “Yeah, I’m starving” he said. I was grabbing my bag from the floor when I heard him. I glanced up and his eyes were low, his jaw was tensed, and his body seemed to be radiating heat. As I stood up, he took two steps and met me. I started to say wait, I swear I did, but as I opened my mouth, his lips were on mine. It was that quick. His arms were around me, he turned me slightly so that my back was facing the desk now, and was kissing me again. Slow, playful kisses. Nibbling my lips, grazing them. His hand was on my cheek and cradling my chin. His other hand landed softly on the small of my back. It was amazing. I was almost woozy from his smell, his touch, and the taste of him. I was overwhelmed and just gave in. He took a step forward and I was suddenly sitting on the desk, my legs parting so he could get closer to me. He was slowly opening my blouse with one hand while the thumb of his other hand brushed against my cheek. He stopped kissing me, pulled back and admired me. He opened up my blouse, wordlessly, and dropped his mouth to my black lace bra. He began sucking and nibbling on me through my bra, tugging at my nipple in such a way that it felt like a direct link to my g-spot. I arched my back, my skirt came up higher, and my legs parted even more. His left hand freed my breast from my bra. He cupped it for a couple of seconds, licked his lips, and whispered “I love your tits” as he took it into his mouth. I leaned back onto the desk and felt him on top of me, bent over me. My hands gripped his hair and my legs were wrapped tightly around his waist. I could feel him pushing against me. My body wanted to let him in. I wanted to let him in but he was still fully dressed, for now. I started to get up when he started to kiss me again. Again, I gave in. I kissed him. I pulled down his zipper and silently worked him out of his pants. He slid my panties to the side and pushed into me, looking into my eyes as though he were asking for permission. Once he looked into my eyes, I knew I was in trouble. We were in trouble. I nodded, slightly, and he pulled me towards him while I met him with equal intensity. We met each other over and over again, panting and desperate for each other. His hands gripped my hips tightly, pulling me harder and faster. My heels were up near his ears when I lost control of my body. He had me bent in half, sprawled on his desk, on top of his reports and desk calendar. He had me. There was no turning back now. I felt him pulsing inside of me, his body finally relaxing into mine. He looked at me, with a little smirk, and said “Now, I’m really hungry”. I smacked him and laughed. When I stopped laughing, I laid my head back against his desk and said” what the hell are we going to do”. “We are going to get BBQ", he said. He helped me off the desk, playfully smacked my butt, and helped me get myself dressed again. We could hear the cleaning people on the other side of the floor, over by my office like every other time we stayed late after work so we knew we had time to get ourselves composed.

Once we got to the parking lot, Gabriel offered to drive to the restaurant. I nodded and got into his car. We quietly drove to the restaurant and were seated. He looked over at me and said, “Hey! I forgot to tell you about this chick I’m sleeping with.” I looked up at him like he was crazy and he started laughing. “Stop being weird” he told me. I was talking about you.” That made me laugh and it felt like we were back to normal. When our food came out, he glanced up at me and asked me if I was freaking out. “Um, yeah. A little bit. Ya think?” He smiled and said “We have plenty of time to figure it out. Let’s just enjoy our dinner.” “Sounds good to me” I said. “I have no idea what to say right now anyway.” Just then, the waitress came by and I placed an order to bring home to Mark, like I would normally do. Gabriel just looked at me, smiled, and said “It’s almost like normal, just better”. “Yeah, sure. Easy for you to say. You have no one you’re connected to. I’m the one who has to worry and has the most to lose” I said, almost feeling bad. Almost. Gabriel flashed that gorgeous smile of his, the one that gets him out of trouble all the time, and said “You’d think you’d be more relaxed after our meeting in my office”. This obviously got a huge smile out of me and I said “You’d think, right? Maybe next time you should run that meeting a little better.” “Maybe” he said, laughing. “Ok, no more talk about work. I’m finishing this dinner, getting my car, and heading home.” I said. We spent the rest of dinner joking about people at work, talking about his possible promotion, and ignoring the fact that we just had banged the hell out of our best friends. We paid the bill, rather he paid the bill, and drove back to the office to pick up my car. As I got out, he held my wrist, kissed me, and whispered “Buenas noches”.