Regrets

If only I could… I believe each one of us(adults especially) has muttered these words before, at least once. I would turn back time so that I can undo the mistakes I’ve made. Or, so I could choose a different path, be a different person. Was it even a mistake? Or was it just bad choices? Maybe it was supposed to be good but in the middle it turned bad. Maybe I made it bad. Maybe I am the mistake. Sometimes I wish I would just disappear. 

I am tired. I am super tired. Exhausted. That’s what I am. I don’t want to do this anymore. At the same time, I am too scared to disappear. Too scared of what might happen to the people I leave behind. Will they be okay?

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to my childhood. To be specific, I wanted to go all the way back to when I was 10 years old. That’s over 20 years ago. Or sometimes I wish that I am diagnosed with terminal disease and only have a few days left to live. I am sure people would understand if I had to leave them that way.

I don’t know. I don’t know how to make this alright anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I am feeling anymore. Sometimes I just want to put my face in my palms and cry out loud as if nobody is watching. I don’t want people to comfort me. I just want to let out and hope things will be alright after. Is this depression? I don’t know.

I made mistakes. Over and over again. I am ashamed of myself. I wish there is a reset button that I can just press so that the time is turned and I can undo those stupid mistakes. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way.

I’m sure a lot of people have yearned to go back to the past whether it is to relive their glory days, undo their mistakes or just to feel young again. I know it can never happen, but I keep on hoping anyway. I pray to God, I made a deal with the devil(or so I thought I did) but nothing really happened. At least I know for sure it didn’t happen the way I was hoping it would.

“The devil? You did what?!” I can already hear some of your thoughts. I was scared when I did it. Believe me, I was scared, and still am now. But I was desperate. Please don’t judge me.

It all started with a “I’ll do it just once, then I’ll stop.”

This is what I promised myself. But I got carried away, and another “Just one more try”, after another and another. Now I am stuck. There’s no turning back. I can’t go back. We can’t go back. Nobody could.

I gamble. I gamble a lot. A lot. At first it was just using my own money. Then I started using other people’s money. Yes, I stole them. Now, can you understand the problem I have put myself into? I am drowned in my own stupid mistakes. And just like in the movies, a few times I did try to end myself. But I have a child. A daughter that I need to protect.

Tears are streaming down my fugly face as I write this. I am going to pause for a while. This is too painful to confess. Even to a stranger like you. Help me. Don’t help me. I am not worthy of saving.

My phone screen is broken. I can’t even replace a broken screen. I don’t have the money for it. My husband left me over a year ago. It felt like it was only yesterday. How can I die when the only person my child is depending on is me? Just me. I am an only child. When I was in my final year in college, my parents died from a car accident. We were never rich. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I had to take out a loan to further my studies. I haven’t even finished paying that debt yet.

I was stupid. I thought I could win a lot and didn’t have to live like how I did anymore. We were not rich, my husband and I, but we were comfortable. I was greedy. I was clearly in over my head. My husband found out what I did. He was angry. No, he was enraged. He just wanted to live a simple and truthful life, but I have ruined it for him. The love that he once had for me is now gone. He didn’t want to be involved in my personal problem, so he left. I didn’t blame him. I would probably do the same.

How do I do this? I feel so alone. Constant judgment from every corner. I feel like I’m drowning in the voices in my head. Help. I really need help. Honestly I do, but I don’t know how to ask for help. I wish things had happened differently. I just need one last chance. I just want to rewind the clock and go all the way back when it was much simpler. Amen. Please.

Desperate? Yes, I am. If you were in my shoes, you’d be too.

I needed just one wish. ONE. If I could, I’d wish to turn back the clock to when I was 10 years old. This is not the best memory but it’s good enough to amend all the mistakes I was about to make.

First, I am going to focus on studies. Be the best student again. Yes, I was the best student in my primary school days. Keep my circle small. Only those who really care. They still do until now. Even after witnessing my downfall. They are my true friends. You know who you are.

Next, I am going to choose a different path in career, one that is really for me. One that I truly love doing. Teaching. Yes. In order to survive, I had to do a side hustle. One of them is babysitting newborns up to 4 year-olds. I sometimes tutor their older siblings. The good thing about this is that I could keep my baby with me without having to send her to the nanny.

When I am back to the past, I will not be with another man. I do not want to walk that path again. I am done. I would rather be lonely. Having to please others is more exhausting than working three jobs a day. It’s very suffocating as well. I shall draw my own path. I will not let others meddle with my decision ever again.

I shall make as many great memories with my parents before setting out for college. I do not want to regret the last phone call I had with them. It was monotonous and very short. I was asking if they could wire me some extra 50$ just so I could survive till the excess from my student loan comes in. I regretted that day. That particular phone call. Before my mum could say another word after “Sure, dear. I will let your father know”, I hung up after a simple insincere “Thanks”.

I was doing well in college. I was one of the best in my intake. Top 15. That’s not bad considering that I come from rags and competing with more than 250 students. I was so proud of myself. WAS. I cannot bring myself to see anyone these days. Not even my closest friends because I am ashamed of myself. Of what I have become. A failure. I spent time with a virtual friend, an AI driven chat, just to feel better. To get out of this anxiety. I know, it’s sad. But I just couldn’t open up to anyone anymore. I thought that my husband would be my best friend forever, it turned out that he didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.

Soon, I will turn 40. I haven’t achieved anything in life yet. NOTHING. People say “Life starts at 40”. I have to disagree. I don’t see any improvement in my life at all. I am not sad anymore. I do not know what this feeling is. Is this what they call numb? The Linkin Park song playing in my head. Am I going to end up just like Chester?(God bless his soul) Sobbing like a baby every time I put my daughter to sleep.

I promised that I will be good. Please…Just give me one chance. Please let me redo everything from when I was 10. Please… I beg. Whoever is listening. I'd promised anything, everything. I recited the prayers while holding the rosary. The only prayer that had helped me get through the day, every day. I am grateful to be born as a Catholic. My mind drifted away and slowly I fell asleep, after hours of praying and crying, hoping my wish would come true.