1.
It had only been a few hours since my argument with my parents. I sat on my bed, replaying those words in my head over and over again. “Back then we were struggling financially. We couldn’t just tell you.” That sentence will probably stay with me until the day I die. They hid from me for twenty-one years that I had a brother they had to give to my aunt in Germany so he could have a good life and not grow up in poverty. Are they seriously trying to ruin my birthday that’s in less than three months? I had so many questions. Like why they never took him back afterward, or why they never told me sooner that I had a brother and let me grow up as an only child. Is that even me in all those childhood photos? Our pictures are definitely mixed together. I can’t deny my feelings now, and I definitely can’t agree to going to see him next week during the holidays. How the hell am I supposed to trust my family when they lied to me my whole life… am I some kind of person without a soul? I lay on my back and stared at the little lights above me that flickered and sometimes calmed me down. Mom knocked on my door and came inside. She sat on the bed next to me and for a moment looked like she was on the verge of tears. “We had to give him to your aunt for his own good, we didn’t want to. It was painful for me to leave my child.” She paused for a moment, and I finally gathered the courage to look at her after hearing the truth that hurt. I could finally feel the pain she had carried her whole life. “We didn’t want to tear him away from her because he was already used to her.” I looked out the window and watched the sky getting darker. “I understand, but why Germany?” She stroked my hair. “It’s beautiful there and life is completely different. People can afford all kinds of things.” I smiled faintly at the thought that maybe we could have had anything we wanted too. “I want to ask you to come there with us for a few days.” I took a breath. “Did you even see him, or does he not know we exist?” She smiled at me. “He knows about us and about you too. The last time I showed him pictures of you was when you were thirteen, and we used to visit him almost every week.” I sat up and searched their eyes for answers. “Instead of working?” She nodded and stood up to leave. “Michal knows we’re coming. We told him you’re coming too. He was excited.” In the end, I finally managed to smile properly as she walked away. My life as an only child had changed, and now I had a stranger for a brother. Yet he wasn’t really a stranger. Still, something about it didn’t feel right. Why would I remember hearing them talk years ago about how Mom couldn’t have children and that I was a miracle…
I called Sára, my friend, to tell her everything. She looked just as horrified as I was. But I completely understood her when she had a million questions. I couldn’t tell her anything about him because I had absolutely no idea who he was and barely even knew exactly where he lived or how old he was. “You have to explore everything there properly so Lily and I can plan an amazing trip.” She started rambling into the phone while I just grinned. The girls and I had planned endless trips together, from London to Spain all the way to Korea. But we’re the kind of friend group that never actually does anything. But now that’s about to change, and my dream of going to Germany is finally coming true. Even though I had wanted to go there for Christmas, but whatever. Better something than nothing. After a while we hung up, and I promised her I’d tell her everything once I arrived. I also promised I’d find some nice place for all three of us to visit at Christmas. I put my phone beside me on the bed and started thinking about what I should pack for next week, but first I finally needed to get rid of all those notebooks from my school, which I finished this year with honors. Ugh, I’m not smart. I used to fail at my first school, but something woke up inside me and studying suddenly became fun. But I don’t need notebooks around me anymore calling me to solve problems I could barely handle. I grabbed all the notebooks and carried them outside. I opened the trash can and threw them in. “That was karma,” I said and went back to my room.
Mom must’ve put the suitcase in my room while I was outside. “Great,” I said with fake enthusiasm. I opened my wardrobe. “You can buy something to wear there if needed, but for now pack for a month.” Dad stood in the doorway. I rolled my eyes and started pulling things out. I immediately closed the door and sent a voice message into the group chat with my friends Sára and Lily. “I swear, when I get back, you owe me a shot for convincing me to agree to this trip.” I immediately turned my phone off and threw it onto the bed. I took out all my clothes and picked only the nice pieces. Then I realized not everything would fit into the suitcase. So I had to set aside the things I wasn’t sure about taking so I could keep track. “I’ll wear this for the trip.” I placed shorts and a shirt on the bed. If I had moved out earlier, I wouldn’t have had to be part of this trip. I looked around the room to see what I had forgotten. My eyes landed on my guitar. I stared at it angrily because I’d have to leave my guitar behind for two months. My phone dinged with a message. I looked and saw a message from Sára.
Sára: You’re welcome, babe!
She added a laughing emoji too. She’s probably trying to annoy me more than support me. I went into the kitchen where my parents were having some conversation, and when they saw me, they stopped talking. “Niko, only take necessary things.” I raised an eyebrow. “Are we taking Buster?” That’s our dog by the way, but he doesn’t handle traveling very well because he rarely goes anywhere with us, and when he does, it’s like punishment. “We were just talking about that… we don’t know if he could handle the trip, but we also don’t know who would watch him.” I smiled. “I can stay and watch him.” Mom looked annoyed when I said that. I quickly covered it up. “Okay fine… he’ll survive the trip, but if there’s no garden there then I don’t know if he’ll manage.” Our dog is used to going into the garden every day and only comes inside occasionally, mostly at night. “If he and Auntie don’t have a dog, then Buster could come.” I suggested, and Dad immediately corrected me. “Michal. His name is Míša.” I rolled my eyes and went back to my room while repeating the name to myself along the way. I wonder if he has the same surname as us or some German one. I laughed at the thought. Then one thing hit me. My mom actually speaks German, and I never even asked her why. I was so close to finding out the truth about everything, yet at the same time so incredibly far away. Does he even speak Czech? At best I’ll communicate with him in English, but don’t expect German from me.
I tried to get some sleep so I wouldn’t stay moody and sarcastic toward my parents all the time. I sat at my makeup table and took cosmetics out of the drawer — the ones I’d pack and the ones I’d still use before leaving. I have so many things I want to bring with me, but I can’t take them all. None of it would fit into the suitcase. I looked online for different packing tips on how to fit more things. Everything looked promising, but my suitcase refused to cooperate when I tried to close the zipper, so in the end I took half the stuff back out. “Why on earth are you taking a lamp?” Mom stood in front of me and I just smiled. I’m taking the lamp simply because there probably won’t be one there, and I use mine every day. “What if there isn’t a lamp there?” She laughed. “His rooms are fully furnished.” Oh, so he even has several rooms. Auntie must’ve given him everything. “Okay, I’ll trust you.” She kissed my hair and smiled excitedly. “It’s going to be a great trip.” I pressed my lips together and just nodded. Or it’ll be a nightmare.
I went to the store to buy food, but I couldn’t decide what I wanted. In the end I grabbed instant soup. On my way home, I ran into a friend — or rather a guy I almost slept with once. He looked at me and smiled. “Hey there.” He kept walking. “Hey.” I kept walking too. “We should drink together again sometime.” I turned around sharply. It felt like he was mocking me. To clarify, he wanted me in bed and I rejected him — or rather, I slept with someone else. It was four years ago and people around me still throw dirt at me because of it. Wherever I go, people look at me because I rejected him and he started spreading nonsense. I have such a wonderful reputation. It’s not that horrible, but a lot of people know me. Maybe Germany will help me escape from all of it for a while.
