After Closure

Being back here feels like reopening a box I had closed years ago. I've tried to act fine. Actually, I've succeeded in making everyone believe I was fine, that my life was going great, that I had changed for the better.

Just this morning, when I was driving Dad to work, he told me just how happy he was that I've moved on, that I have managed to put my shit together. Right then I smiled. I wanted to believe it too, but right now, sitting in this same diner I sat in five years ago, listening to the same music playing, I couldn't help but remember him. This was our couple song… it used to give us chills.

Involuntarily, I looked over at the booth that was also our spot. Everything seemed to still be the same, red painted cheap tables and chairs, just like I remembered.

What's more, there seemed to be a girl and boy there, clearly still in high school, and from the way the boy was looking at her I could tell they were a thing, again reminding me of me and him. We were also like this.

“Oh God.” I recognized the waitress who went to serve them. Quickly, I adjusted my hoodie. I didn’t want her to recognize me. Even though I've been back for about a week now and I knew my mother, with her mouth, had already announced it to the whole town, I still hoped to remain hidden.

“Fries with ketchup,” the girl ordered, and those were my favorite too. In fact, now it felt like looking at my younger self. I bit my inner cheeks just to be sure I wasn't imagining this, and I wasn't. Now I only hoped she had better luck than me because my love story didn’t end well.

“I don't see children or a wife in my future.” The voice I've been avoiding for a while came back in my head. “Actually, I think we should break up.”

I got uneasy. I held the coffee mug tighter as the scene from five years ago replayed in front of me. How I lost it, throwing a glass of water on him, literally brushing the corner of his mouth. The insults… how when he asked me to calm down, I threw my shoes at him. It was a mess. Shit, it even came out in the local paper.

Before I could stop myself, just like right now, I stood up and walked over to the table.

“Hi, my name is Addison,” I introduced myself. The girl and the boy looked at me so confused. “He’s not worth it. Once you want something real, he will tell you he’s not interested. Don't waste your time. Dump him now.”

“I’m sorry, are you high?” she asked, genuinely confused. “He’s my cousin.”

My cheeks flashed with shame. I didn’t stand around or apologize. I just turned and rushed out of there, literally running until I reached where I parked the car. I got in and drove like crazy. I only slowed down when I was sure I was far from the diner.

“Fuck.” I took deep breaths and didn’t notice I had stopped the car, and not only my car, but now the whole line behind me had stopped too.

“Piece of shit! Drive!” They were cursing me, honking, and quickly I started the car. I hadn’t realized the green lights.

“Fuck you too!” I shouted back. They had no idea what had just happened to me. I had that whole episode. I could have literally died. Fuck them. There was a reason I did that.

Soon I was parking at the college. My younger sister needed someone to pick her up and, being back here and with everyone else busy, I offered to do it. Plus she was going to take me to the local car dealer so I could buy myself a car and finally return Dad's.

My sister Amara had just texted me. She said she was getting something from the office. She was going to be at least ten minutes, and honestly I needed fresh air, so I stepped out of the car after locking my phone, rested my back against it, and carefully looked around.

Before the ugly incident that led me to leave Kansas, I was going to go here. Actually, I went for two months, then dropped out.

Like anything else, this place looked exactly the same. Sure, the faces were unfamiliar, which was good. I uncovered my head and ran my hand through my bob when my eyes landed on a figure that immediately stole the breath from my lungs, and no, it wasn’t in a romantic or loving way. It was in a terrifying, nightmare way.

Before I could turn around and pretend to see nothing, the person came to me, recognized me, and absolutely without my permission took me in their arms.

“Addison. Oh, it's so good to see you.” The person held me tighter, not even noticing I wasn’t hugging back. I kept my hands at my sides, waiting for them to pull away, when the familiar cologne hit my nostrils.

Manly, wood after rain, carrying so much warmth it was impossible not to hug back. But I held it. I reminded myself of what I went through. The two years in that dark, lifeless mental facility. The two years of losing my mind. The two years of watching life pass through my eyes and not giving a shit.

I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t hug this person back because this person was the reason I went there in the first place.

Remember the flashback I had in the diner? The one that made me anxious, where I lost my cool and made a fool of myself? Well guess what. The person in that flashback who told me he didn’t want a future with me, the person who thought he could fit a breakup between courses, was the one hugging me right now.

Nathan Carter. The jerk who was the reason I lost my mind five years ago. My high school sweetheart. My ex!

One thing though… after how we ended, why the fuck was he hugging me this tight? Why the fuck was he this happy to see me?