Chapter 1 : Third seat by the window
The third seat by the window was always mine.
Not because I liked sunlight.
Not because I enjoyed staring outside during class.
But because from there, I could see him without being noticed.
(My name is Sia. Arts student. Professional overthinker. Part-time idiot in love.)
He sat two desks ahead of me.
His name is Kevin, though everyone calls him Ken. By everyone, I mostly mean me and Hana, my best friend since kindergarten.
Hana sat beside him.
And yeah... they were dating.
(Still hurts to say that.)
Somehow, without either of them realizing it, I had spent an entire year memorizing the way their laughter sounded together.
The classroom smelled like old books and summer rain that morning. Students talked too loudly, chairs scraped against the floor, and someone near the back kept humming a song I couldn't recognize.
But my eyes stayed on them.
Always on them.
Hana was showing Ken something on her phone, trying not to laugh.
He leaned closer.
Too close.
And for the first time, something small and uncomfortable twisted quietly inside my chest.
(Why am I feeling jealous again?)
I should've been happy for them.
They loved each other so much. Anyone could see that.
(It was obvious from the beginning, Sia.)
Maybe it was always meant to happen sooner or later.
I knew I was never meant for him.
(Then why does it still feel like heartbreak?)
The day I found out about them was six months ago.
A silent spring evening.
I was waiting near the basketball court for them when I noticed something strange.
No.
Not strange.
Different.
The way Hana looked at him.
The way Ken smiled back at her.
The eye contact.
The quiet laughter.
The space between them suddenly felt smaller.
And somehow, it only took me five seconds to understand everything.
(Five seconds to ruin an entire year of feelings. Impressive.)
Still, I tried so hard to deny it.
No.
It couldn't be true.
I was supposed to confess first.
(At least... I thought I would someday.)
I remember going home that evening feeling sick for no reason. I lay on my bed for two hours staring at the ceiling, replaying the same scene again and again like a cursed movie clip.
Then Hana called me.
The ringtone startled me so badly my phone nearly fell from my hand.
I answered quietly.
“Hello?”
“Sia...” she whispered excitedly. “I have something really important to tell you. I mean... we do.”
We.
That single word was enough.
(I knew it.)
I already knew what she was going to say.
I knew what had happened between them.
And somehow, I could hear his laughter beside her through the phone before she even said his name.
“I told you you'd be the first person I'd tell everything to,” she said happily. “So... me and Ke—”
I stopped listening after that.
Her voice sounded distant.
Like I was underwater.
She sounded so happy.
And somehow, that made it hurt even more.
(It wasn't her fault.)
(It wasn't his either.)
(Then why did I feel like crying?)
I forced myself to smile even though she couldn't see me.
“I knew it was going to happen someday,” I told her softly. “I'm really happy for both of you.”
That night, I learned how to lie.
And now, six months later, I think I've become good at pretending.
Pretending I don't notice the way he looks at her.
Pretending I don't care.
Pretending my feelings disappeared a long time ago.
(They should've disappeared by now... right?)
But if they really disappeared...
Why does my heart still feel heavy?
Why can't I just forget him and become the friend they deserve?
Why does loving someone quietly hurt this much?
(The bell rang.)
Finally.
Class was over.
Outside the window, slow rain fell from the grey evening sky.
It looked peaceful.
Too peaceful.
I rested my chin against my hand and stared outside quietly.
Here, in my third seat by the window, I finally understood something.
Some positions are given.
Some are never chosen.
