Prologue
When I was about 12 years of age, I started walked across the town of Almonte, though I would have gone further if I had felt like it. But I was trying to visit who was my best friend since kindergarten. Now that I am an adult and know better I would see this was a waste of 2 or 4 hours of my life. I felt like accomplished a great feat, though my parents would beg to differ. It was two months after 9/11 two months ago I would started swearing and acting like a goon. According to me and the parents. I never heard my mother yell so fucking loud that it rivalled blues fest, the Ottawa BluesFest that was more then this by a long shot. I was yelled at for about a half an hour. “You need to give back,” she screamed at me deafening my right ear for about a month.
its a walk, I thought to myself, a bloody walk. I never got in so much trouble in my life and for the whole school year i would learn that angry spoke volumes in the fucking family. This was something I never really got was a the big deal about this. I would spend years in therapy at my parents desire and I would beat around the bush aboht the real reason which was the attacks on 9/11 that would deeply disturb me as if I were the present of the USA. and for years this would bug me and rear it’s ugly head many times in my life the real thorn in my side: terrorism especially Islamic or anything else terrorism for that matter.
this would still drive me insane for many years and will continue to bother me until the very day I die. I never been so disturbed and moved then I was to the point where I had stsrted to fucking swear and have behavioural issues (most notably angry), as if. I was having an additude problem with life already because of this bastards: the terrorists.
i woudk wear the attitude for about 26 years and still I struggle with this.
like sister bliss would say in one of her songs: life is a bitch.
ain’t that truth. The friend i claimed to go visit a year later would turn out to be a mean bitch and a c’ word like nothing I ever saw. I never seen a bigger bullshit bully in my life. To be honest with you I regret ever meeting Karen..... though let’s started from the very beginning of my life and the slow anger path I would have walked since. I would started to try to undo the results of trauma, though the trauma was starting to pile up. You can say I have C-PTSD or PTSD, depending on you DSM-5 model.
either way i go around with three balls in my head, I call them the nerdies or nerds when I am in public. (The NSFW community , though just recently joined as a pen erotica writer, completely ruined the word “balls”) i would I have to say the word “nerds.”
well this idea of giving back is still on my mind and this day I went on a cross town walk-about. This was one fucking walk that changed my life.
yes I am an angry bird, but I am trying to tell you about my story and the fact that I started to tried to help my self for the first time.
i would never cherish the idea of mindfulness before until now.
