Goodbye
“Hey Eddie, I'm checking out.”
Five words. That's all he left me with.
James’s message lit up my phone.
“I can’t live like this anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. Laura is with her friends playing pool at the lounge on 38th and Thomas is asleep in his bed. I’m going to use the gun in the safe. I want it to be as fast and painless as possible. When my grandfather was in hospice, he kept crying saying he was afraid of death. I’m not. Why should I be? Nothing can be worse than the suffering I carry everyday. It sounds peaceful. All of my responsibilities will be gone. The pain will vanish. The best part? No one will notice. Well, maybe you Eddie. You tried to be there for me. You drove me to all of my psychiatrist appointments, grabbed drinks with me, let me crash on your couch when Laura would bitch about something I did wrong. But I’m sorry, It’s just too hard. I’m sorry that once again, I've let you down, just like I've done to everyone all my life. Hopefully with me gone, I'm lifting the burden of having to be there for me off your shoulders. Goodbye Eddie.”
I was asleep when he sent this.
By the time I woke up, the police found James dead. A single gunshot to the head. His neighbors called about a noise complaint and he was found slumped over in the bedroom with an empty bottle of whiskey on the nightstand, with Thomas crying next to him. Laura rushed home just in time to see the coroner rolling James out. I immediately rushed to his apartment. When I got on the train I noticed the 20 missed calls from Laura, so I texted her that I was on my way. When I got there, all I saw was her cradling Thomas with tears in her eyes. She laid Thomas down on the couch and ran to hug me.
And I just… stood there.
Numb.
James was gone.
I don’t know how to feel. I thought he was ok. He was going to all of his therapy appointments and all of his AA meetings. For the first time in years, he seemed alive again. Like the man I first met in college. Yeah, he had his problems, but he was young, and he had the opportunity to live a better life.
I feel…empty.
My best friend is gone.
Maybe if I had answered sooner…
Maybe if I was awake…
The apartment smelled like oregano and melted cheese. Penlopes Lasagna.
I pull out my phone and check the time.
It's 7:41PM.
I spent the whole day at Laura's apartment watching over Thomas and making sure he was taken care of while Laura was grieving.
I hear footsteps and I look up, only to see Penolope wiping her hands on a dish towel. She gave me that soft worried smile she's been wearing since this morning and kissed me gently
“Here, let me get that for you Ed.” She says as she helps me take off my sweater.
She leads me to the table. Two plates were already set.
The thought of eating made my stomach twist.
I go to sit down. She starts asking me how Laura and Thomas are doing. I gave short, mechanical answers.
“Ed… are you okay ?”
It feels like time has stopped, like there’s a crowd of people in front of me waiting for a response.
“I don’t know.”
Probably the most honest thing I've said all day. I truly don’t know what to think right now. Everything keeps replaying in my head. The message he sent me—why wasn’t I up? Why wasn’t I there to respond?
“I’m not hungry.” I say as I get up and head to the bedroom. It's probably better for me to go to bed.
It’s 1:34AM. I can't sleep. I pretended to fall asleep so Penolope wouldn't worry. It's strange. Part of me used to get annoyed when James would text or call me at this time. It was always about Laura or Thomas. But now I keep opening my phone expecting a message from him, hoping it'll come. I wish I could tell him how proud I was of all his hard work. Proud that he somehow, through all of Laura's cheating and lies, was able to stick around so Thomas could have a somewhat normal childhood. All I want is a chance to tell him I loved him. But no, I was busy being a hard ass about him texting me so late.
Why?
