Chapter 1
CHAPTER 1 📕
It was raining heavily outside.
I was supposed to take Billy for a walk, but I didn’t.
(Billy is my dog.)
Instead, I stayed in my room, dropped onto my bed, and stared at the ceiling.
From down the hall, I could hear my mother laughing. The sound came in loud, effortless. She was in her room with her boyfriend, enjoying herself. And for some reason, it made me feel strange.
Not jealous. Not sad.
Just strange.
Like I was noticing something I wasn’t supposed to notice. Like I was being quietly introduced to a world I didn’t understand, and wasn’t sure I even wanted to.
At eighteen, people seemed scattered in every direction.
Some are already in relationships. Some are trying to figure themselves out.
Some wanted love because everyone else did.
Some wanted it because they were lonely.
And some, like me, wanted distance.
I turned my head toward the wall, listening without meaning to.
Continuation 📕
People really enjoy this, I thought. Being with someone. Laughing like that. Sharing whatever it was people shared when doors were closed and voices softened.
It seemed natural to everyone else. Too Easy.
But lying there, staring at the cracks in the ceiling, I couldn’t find that feeling anywhere in me. No curiosity. No excitement. Only questions like.
Did people actually need relationships?
Or did they chase it because everyone else was?
I exhaled and shifted on the mattress.
Maybe something was wrong with me.
Or maybe I just wasn’t ready to feel something I didn’t understand yet.
I liked my independence. I didn’t want to disappear inside someone else’s needs.
I didn’t want to shrink just to be loved.
I just wanted to know myself first. Then I’d decide who, if anyone, got to know me after that.
The rain stopped. Just like that.
I guess the universe really wanted me out of there.
In no time, I grabbed my phone, and rushed out of my room. Billy followed close behind, tail up, like he already knew we were escaping something. I had barely made it halfway to the stairs when my mother’s voice stopped me.
“Going out?”
I paused. “Err… yeah. Billy and I are going for a walk,” I said, adjusting my hoodie.
“Okay, please be careful. You know it’s wet.”
“I will. You too.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” another voice said. “I’ll take good care of your mother.”
James stepped out of the bedroom like he belonged there.
I didn’t even look at him properly.
“Whatever,” I muttered, already moving toward the stairs.
Billy’s paws tapped quickly behind me as I went.
I didn’t stop.
I didn’t think. I just needed to get out.
Out of the house.
Out of the noise. Out of whatever that feeling was.
I’m not the “hot” type of person.🫦
I’m usually indoors—quiet, in my own world. My imagination has always been enough for me.
But sometimes, in the middle of that quiet, my thoughts get loud. Too loud.😜
And a part of me starts asking questions I don’t always know how to answer. Like…🧐
What if I’m different?
What if I’m just… figuring things out?
The street was still wet—the kind of wet that made everything shine under the streetlights.
Billy loved it. He ran ahead of me, splashing through puddles like he didn’t care about anything.
Then he suddenly stopped.
Right in front of a girl. She crouched immediately, smiling as she petted him, clearly excited.
Billy leaned into her like he already liked her.
I paused for a moment, watching them.
Something about the way she smiled at him felt warm. Easy.
And my thoughts came back again, quiet but persistent.
~What if I was gay~?💥💣
