Dearest Urmazd

Dearest Urmazd,

Even now, I can still - with the utmost aptitude - recall the moment at which we first met. Well, in actuality, met is improper terminology, for I’m certain you hadn’t the slightest hint of my existence then. How could you have? So, I suppose I instead refer to the first moment I laid my eyes upon your form.

Never before had I borne witness to a scene so primal, nor have I to date with all which has circumstanced. I believe this sentiment, if nothing else, brought me to halt.

You, somehow beyond my comprehension, whilst hauled inside by no less than six sturdy men - both knight and townsperson alike - managed to hold your own. Yet, from my observer’s perspective, it was not so difficult to ascertain your utter ineptitude for brawling: your fists flew wildly about, only hoping to hit their opponents by a force of blind luck, and your stance was much more akin to that of an industrious maiden than a warrior’s. I cannot fathom your victory sustaining upon just grounds…but some object within that wicked mien you bore, or your unfaltering determination, swayed my soul nevertheless.

I found myself genuinely fretting over the lives of my brethren. Have I ever confided this in you? I don’t believe so. Nor do I believe myself to lack confidence in others, not in such an unspecific sense, anyway.

I don’t doubt you had long ago - likely even from our second encounter - discerned this sensibility of mine. Hadn’t you? At the very least, you cast an impression of someone who had discerned as much.

That same night, I was deemed guardian of your cell. Not only I, but the whole castle appeared to share my same feelings regarding your volatility. Through those trying times, the castle never slept. Everyone bustled about without end, from chamber to chamber, all awaiting word from the king of your fate.

I’m certain if you were ever to be made aware of this impact - which you fostered entirely by your lonesome - you’d never quit laughing. Oh, how it would please you so…

You, of course, were the first to speak, and, once you procured the ability, you never hoped to cease. Was your intent no more than to unnerve me? Was I to be made your plaything? I, having conjured such fantasies in my silence, concluded as much.

“Valiant Knight,” you christened me - albeit in an utterly insincere, profane manner of cadence. Before each speech, you would invariably repeat the same phrase: “Oh, Valiant Knight, you must take a listen!”

Evidently, you boasted yourself a divine being; falsifying innumerable tales of unprecedented beauty and charisma. ‘Prior to your imprisonment,’ you claimed, ‘you could have brought any lady - no matter the caliber of her breeding - to a kneel. Without question, she should hold onto your every word as if derived from the holy texts themselves.’

With that, how could one heap blame upon me for perceiving you suspect? You must comprehend, I wasn’t yet so intimately acquainted with you…

Besides my purpose, I have, wholly fortuitously, memorized the intricacies behind your food preferences. Warm, yet never steaming, and cold only during the stifling heat of summer. I learnt both of your loathing toward the scent of dampened stone and of the affection you harbored for moths - venturing so far as to leave scraps of your tunic in offering. You certainly did not behave like an ordinary malefactor should. In fact, not one component of your character should be categorized as ordinary, if meaning to avoid blasphemy, that is. One moment so monstrous, the next overtaken by a sense of youthful caprice. However, that very well may be your most meritorious attribute: the ability to find pleasantry when all else is lost. I, abashedly, envied you for this then, same as I do now.

Do you recall the first night in which I spoke to you? I can, with flawless clarity no less.

“Oh, Valiant Knight! You shan’t believe what it is I’ve caught wind of.” You began drawing attention to each slight fault within the royal staff’s communications. Always caught up in politics, you were. You forewarned me of how effortlessly a mole may set out to obtain delicate intelligence if only he should first outwit defense, making haste to intermingle with the nearest bout of gossipers afterward.

Through the incessant blabbering of maidservants responsible for your feeding, you unearthed a great deal of royal secrets - or so you claimed. Though the one you held in highest regard was not hidden wealth or detrimental frailty, but my own, widely unimportant, clandestine tale.

How “wonderfully contemporary,” you thought me. A knight who cannot duel. “A knight so faint of heart he only serves due purpose whilst overseeing the dungeon! How utterly valiant you are, oh great Valiant Knight” You cackled, and cackled, and cackled without mercy, you did…I still resent your laughter to this day.

Despite my contrary sentiments, you were, in every respective aspect, pinpoint in your assessment. I am not a true knight, but a coward of well-revered lineage. When faced with the threat of an incoming foe, my knees buckle and give way. I’ve no skill with a sword, either. I am simply not predisposed to wield weaponry in place of my appendages, just as some others prove to be. I, long before meeting you, resigned myself to a monotonous life devoid of valor.

But, I suppose even someone so undeniably shameful as I cannot wholly resist pride’s melody.

‘Many innocents have died by your hands. Among those innocents, your elder sister; someone who shared your own flesh and blood…’ I recall addressing in a show of retaliation, striking you silent. I do humbly inquire; were you ever in awe with the deeper element of my speech, or was it only my being able to talk, regardless of whatever I may have said next, which truly excited you?

Afterward, you raised the question as to whether or not I was yet made aware of ‘what my beloved king had devised for this kingdom.’ Of course, I hadn’t a solitary clue toward your meaning. ‘A terrific, unrivaled power - a power certainly suitable for a god amongst men such as he - obtained solely through human sacrifice.’ You recited tales of unimaginable horror; of children, still bundled in their nightclothes, being torn from their parents’ tender care, forced to live on without them now terribly conscious of the ruthlessness in death…yourself, you bitterly professed, one of these aforementioned children… Oh, what a truly dreadful epoch in which to be a child.

Merciful, you claimed your slaughter. For “Is it not ideal to die of your own volition when your sole alternative is falling prey to such a fruitless cause?! Was I meant to send my neighbors, my blood, my sister off to perish - lambs to a slaughter, the lot of them - with cordiality? You, Valiant Knight, more so than anyone else should possess the constitution to realize what I am speaking veracious!”

How was one intended to respond? You must empathize with me - in no more than a half hour’s time you’d thoroughly brought the constructs binding my life together to complete ruin.

I once idolized the king. I naively deemed him the pinnacle of mankind…just as my family had done before me, and all my peer’s families as well. Of this fact you are undeniably well acquainted. But then, in that moment, I found myself in camaraderie with you. With you; sworn enemy of his country! I caved without the slightest hint of reluctance…from the very beginning, perhaps, I saw your object clear as day.

So, quite frankly, what was I intended to do if not withdraw into myself? I lack your tenacity, and in the face of so dire a conflict, nothing is more imperative than hardwearing resolve. I could not plot insurrection, not on my lonesome. I could do nothing, and nothing I did do. Truthfully, I believe you anticipated my retort with a disproportionate measure of foolishness…

The night after next - wasn’t it then? Wherein the king formally sentenced you to death. I can still recall the exuberant glee radiating off all those whom I passed by. A glee only failing to reach myself. I could not muster the spirit to feign relief upon receiving news of your demise, no, for my feelings were much too melancholy. I fail to believe you - even considering your plentiful maladies - deserved such absolute justice. You effused a well-meaning, personable presence; one which would have done well not to go about poking wasp nests.

The night of question I overheard you mumbling to yourself - it’s certain I did - broken phrasing generations beyond my comprehension continuously murmured beneath your breath. You tried to maintain all appearances, and I, disheartened, played along, but you should now know your efforts were futile. From the sway of your voice and strain behind your leer, your overbearing unease became clear after only a moment’s observation.

You never did seek to mock me after all, did you really? I now attribute your transgressions to perturbation. For you were just as frightened as I! Likely even doubly so…of course one in your position would take it upon themselves to self-soothe.

How profoundly unorthodox must it be for a knight, an alleged man of his country, to observe you and become afflicted with pity in place of anger? For a knight to recognize your humanity…

You confided in me this night of your desire to live onward. Your innate, primal instinct which man has long since devalued to embody an object of shame. Your longing to persevere above all else. And, oh, how desperately you wailed.

Do you recall what it was we discussed during those times?

Was I as persuasive in your life as you were in mine? Could you grasp my candid carriage, lurking someplace beneath my stratified chainmail, just as I had grasped yours? I wonder…could you discern why it was I acted so rashly then?

The dagger I gifted you - an instrument handcrafted specifically to match my father’s fancies, imported from a faroff land. He once held that dagger with tremendous adoration - my father, I mean, valuing it above all else this world had to offer before passing it down to I. A right of passage down my newly forsaken path to knighthood.

My silent compliance as you picked at your cell’s lock, not squandering a second’s passing.

And of the smile which crossed my lips as our eyes first met, finally unmarred by those dreary iron bars.

“In the case where you are found out,” you warned, “your head shall indefinitely be the next to go. The king's hankering for power, as you know, Valiant Knight, remains insatiable.” Afterward you might’ve intended to continue, as your lips parted in the way of someone wishing to speak, but, in the end, you held your tongue…

Tell me; would it truly be so idealistic to conceptualize your wishing to bring me along? If not so, why could you not steel yourself into taking action? I could not venture alongside you without permission - this, you should’ve ascertained - so why could you not permit my company? Why…just simply inquired, why?

If I were to mark one sole regret now it would not be my letting you free - for if I were to idle by, taking any part in your execution no matter how obliquely, I believe my own company afterward would prove to be, and in every last aspect, unbearable - but my muddled deliberation whilst watching you depart. If only, oh, if only I had been more emboldened…perhaps… No. Nevermind all that; self-rumination was not my objective in writing you.

You were mistaken! Clearly mistaken, as the king has not yet - and undoubtedly not ever will he - unearthed my role in our crime. He still believes, and quite strongly at that, you managed escape on your lonesome, and far before I was made to accompany you.

Quite the impression to leave in one’s wake, Foolish Malefactor. An impression lingering within the minds of others for, as I foresee, all of eternity.

I suppose my authentic intent in writing this letter - what I wish to convey, that is - was a simple question and no more.

Is your newfound home - wherever that may be - treating you quite suitably?

Until our paths cross once again, Maoilios