Go Easy On Me, Baby

It seems like pain and regret are your best friends. ’Cause everything you do leads to them, right? Right, right.

Chapter Song: 'Lonely Star' by The Weeknd.

Ivy

“Hey, Ivy!” Johanna waves from the kitchen, a broad grin curling across her lips.

“Hey. Are you baking?” I ask, popping my head into the spacious doorway. My black hair slips over my shoulder, my bangs nearly blinding me. Definitely overdue for a cut.

“Yup.” She sticks a thumb into her mouth while locking her giant oven with her free hand. “I’ll save you a piece.”

“She can have mine.”

Kathy—the most amazing human to ever exist—appears behind me.

You always smell her before you see her. Strawberry lipgloss and that light lemon spray she’s obsessed with. My best friend. My sister. Not by blood, but by the red, tattered strings of my heart.

“Why?” Johanna props a hand on her hip.

I purse my lips modestly, looking between the two.

They look way too identical. Kathy got nothing for Harold, her father, except for his magazine-sharp nose. Everything else is pure Johanna— the angular face, the thick upper lip, the hollow cheekbones.

“Mom, because you bake that every Saturday. Every single one,” Kathy says.

Then, as if softening her rejection, she strolls over and wraps her arms around Johanna.

“But it’s still good. Just overdone.”

Johanna rolls her eyes dramatically. “I’ll make blueberry muffins next week.”

“Mm.” Kathy licks a bit of leftover batter from her thumb and nods. “That’d be good. And this is good too. Amazing.”

She shoots her mom a thumbs-up before turning back to me. “I’m stealing Ivy. We’ll be in my room.”

“Later, Johanna,” I call as Kathy grabs my wrist and drags me toward the stairs.

“Remember, it’s your evening to do the dishes!” Johanna calls after us.

“Ugh, please let Kaleb, I’m super busy.”

Kathy rolls her eyes as we climb the steps, tossing her dark brown hair over her shoulder.

“That idiot has been in his room all freaking day.”

She jerks sideways as Kalen—her little brother—races past her with his toy car, bolting down the polished staircase.

“No running, Kalen.”

Then she turns back to me.

“He hasn’t done a single thing all day. He’s so infuriating. That menace.”

A hot menace.

I gulp at my own thoughts.

And as if to prove my internal point, when we reach the top of the stairs, the so-called menace is visible through the half-open door of his room.

There he is.

Kathy’s brother.

Older by only a few seconds—unidentical twins—but he looks at least four years older than her.

Courtesy of the gym, sports, and whatever miracle meals Johanna cooks that somehow made his arms that big.

Punk rock blasts through his room, and he’s currently...

Doing push-ups.

Lucky me.

His biceps flex beneath the sleeves of his loose white tank as he lowers himself onto the plush gray carpet.

Down.

Up.

Down again.

Sweat glistens over his athletic frame. His teeth sink into his cherry-red lower lip, his dark hair damp enough to nearly drip.

And an image of me beneath him while he does this exact exercise flashes through my head.

Wow.

“What are you doing?”

His annoyed voice yanks me out of my thoughts.

I blink.

He’s standing at the door now.

And apparently, I’m standing directly in front of it.

Why exactly?

My mouth opens and closes like a fish.

One of his brows arches all the way to his hairline. Like, are you hearing me?

When my usual wit fails me, he pokes his tongue against the corner of his mouth and slams the door in my face.

And if you haven’t already guessed from that little interaction—

Kaleb Carson does not like me.

At all.

“Girl, ew.” Kathy fake gags beside me. “Don’t tell me you were checking him out.”

“What? No, I wasn’t—he—”

She nods pitifully and grabs my hand, dragging me into her room.

Once I shut the door behind us, she flops onto her bouncy bed and gives me a knowing smile.

“Do you still like Lebby?”

Lebby. Her name of endearment for her twin brother. Despite their usual back and forth, laced with no doubt—devotion—I truly believe their relationship is the perfect replica of a sibling dynamic.

I don’t have siblings. Never did. My dad died of pancreatic cancer four years ago, and not long after that, my mom married some guy I barely knew.

To this day, I’m still angry about both. After my father died, something between us changed. Maybe it shattered. Maybe it just slowly unraveled until there was nothing left to stitch back together. Then, two years ago, she told me she was moving to the Netherlands with Mr. Perfect.

She asked if I was coming.

I told her no.

She knows better than anyone how stubborn I can be. Once I’ve made up my mind, there’s no changing it.

So I stayed.

Alone, in our small-town house.

Well—not entirely alone.

Kathy became my family.

My only real family, despite my mother’s endless guilt-ridden calls that I rarely answer and her compulsive need to send money I refuse to touch unless absolutely necessary.

Maybe that sounds harsh, but she’s harsher with me.

Okay, Pauper—my nickname for my mother—isn’t entirely bad. She’ll save you from harm, just as long as it doesn’t dirty her shoes in the process. And I still don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

“I mean…” I shrug, suddenly embarrassed. “I’m almost over it.”

Kathy purses her lips. “I support however you feel, but you know he’s…”

“He’s what?”

She hesitates. “I just don’t think my brother is capable of pure, romantic love.”

She’s told me that before.

Kathy never judges my embarrassingly one-sided crush, but she’s never exactly encouraged it either.

She’s warned me.

Told me Kaleb isn’t... right in the head.

That he carries demons just like she does.

That he’d hurt me.

And that maybe—if I’m smart—I’ll stay away.

I know she means well.

Kathy and I met in eighth grade. I was behind the school smoking when she wandered around the corner. At first glance, she looked like the kind of girl who’d snitch immediately. Pretty. Put together. Pink backpack. Clean white sneakers. The type teachers adore. I thought she’d tell on me. Instead, she asked for a cigarette.

We shared it.

We’ve been inseparable ever since.

Back then, Kaleb was always around too.

But now he’s finishing his senior year at Nashill High on a lacrosse scholarship. Not that he actually needs one. If it somehow wasn’t already obvious, their family has money. A lot of it. I come from a much simpler background.

“Anyway…” I say, shifting on her bed. “About the party tonight. “I was wondering if you wanted us to go.”

“Mm.” She chews her lip. “I don’t know. I was planning on sewing tonight. I’ve been working on this new piece.”

“Oh.” The disappointment slips out before I can stop it. Then I quickly shake my head. “No, it’s fine. Really.”

Her expression softens.

“Wait.” Her eyes widen slightly. “Tonight is your dad’s birthday… right?”

I nod. “Yeah.” The word catches in my throat. “But that’s not why I want to go. I just need more weed. And maybe some booze.”

Kathy studies me carefully. “Now you’re tempting me.”

I laugh. “I’d really want you there.”

I lower myself onto her mattress, the bed bouncing beneath my weight. “I just don’t want to go alone.”

“Leave her alone.”

The low voice drifts from the doorway.

My entire body tenses.

I glance up.

Kaleb.

Heat instantly floods my cheeks, and I force my gaze back to Kathy. Swallowing hard, I push through. “Anyway, if things work out with the band, this could be my last night in Harlows. We could celebrate.”

“I said no. She’s not going.”

Kaleb steps further into the room, lifting a cup to his lips.

I turn sharply toward him. “I wasn’t talking to you.”

“If you’re talking to my sister, then you’re talking to me.”

I narrow my eyes. “Could you get lost?”

“Could you get out of my house?”

Kathy snorts.

I roll my neck, annoyed—though unfortunately still distracted by how unfairly attractive he is.

“I’m gonna shower,” she says, slipping off the bed. “Try not to kill each other.”

And just like that, she disappears into the bathroom.

Kaleb fixes me with the kind of glare that could probably curdle milk.

I stare right back.

He steps toward me, his heavy boots sinking into Kathy’s fluffy pink carpet.

“Look,” he says.

I stand to meet him halfway. Ready for whatever this is.

“I’m over your little...” His eyes drag over me. “Bad-influence peer-pressure crap.”

I cross my arms. “I’m not pressuring her.”

“Right.” He nods slowly. “You smell like cigarettes.”

My nostrils flare. “Okay?”

How am I supposed to explain that smoking is one of the few things that keeps the noise in my head quiet? Not that he deserves that truth.

“And your point?” My half-black, half-bleached hair falls over one shoulder as I tilt my head.

“My point,” he says coldly, “is that you’re not the kind of friend I want around my sister.”

That stings more than it should.

Because he has no idea.

No idea that Kathy is the reason I’m still here.

The reason I keep going.

The reason I breathe through the worst nights.

He doesn’t get to decide what I mean to her.

I mock his expression dramatically, and something dark flickers across his face.

“Well,” I fire back, “you’re not the kind of brother I want around my best friend.”

His jaw tightens.

“You smell like vape.”

He doesn’t—not really. But I need to clap back with something. I had to win. I always have to win. Maybe that’s why I’m now living all alone…

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows and it’s sort of immature how satisfied I become at the sight. A smirk drags at my lips as he reaches down to pinch the side of his shirt, bringing it up to his nose.

Does he really vape?

Bending my lips, I turn away and return to Kathy’s bed, crashing on it and grabbing the fashion magazine up off the sheets. I flip through the glossy pages, pretending to be unbothered when I’m all sorts of bothered.

By his tall height. His calming perfume. His overpowering aura. All of him.

I peek up beneath my eyelashes. “You’re still here? You want some tips on thigh-high boots or what?” I lift the magazine with the named topic.

He sends me a promising leer before he turns and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

Mm. So damn rude. But so hot…

A few minutes later, the bathroom door creaks open. Kathy steps out wrapped in a towel.

“Oh my God, no one is dead…right? Where’s my brother?”

I laugh. “I chopped him up and stuffed him in your closet.”

“Ivy.” She giggles as I shut the book with a childish grin.

“He left. Though he did try to murder me with his eyes first.”

“Oh God. I’m sorry.”

I flick my wrist dismissively. “Nah.”

She smiles, sitting beside me. “He’s ridiculously overprotective.”

“Tell me about it. But he really does care about you. It’s nice, you know…having someone who cares that much.”

Kathy’s face immediately melts.

Without warning, she wraps her arms around me and squeezes.

“Just like I care about you,” she says firmly. “So much.”

I wheeze.

“Ow. Your boobs are crushing me.”

She gasps and jerks back, clutching her chest.

I burst out laughing.

Then I wiggle my brows.

“So… are you coming?”

She rolls her eyes dramatically. “Well, heck yes.”

I beam. “Perfect.”

I grab her hand. “Come here. I’m painting your nails.”

Kaleb

“Don’t let her go.” I shake my head and fold my arms tightly across my chest.

Call me overprotective if you want, don’t care, but looking out for my twin has always been second nature to me. It’s stitched into my bones, hardwired into every instinct I have. I’ve spent my whole entire life making sure nothing touches her—nothing hurts her.

And I’ll be damned if I let Ivy Willis-Wilson, or whatever the fuck her last name is, drag my sister down with her.

I’m over her wanna-be delinquency. She’s damn trouble.

Pure, walking, breathing trouble.

Mom glances at me from the corner of her eye as she wipes down the kitchen counter, smiling softly. “It’s time you gave her some space, Kaleb, don’t you think?”

She releases a breath. “Besides, what exactly is your issue with Ivy? She’s such a sweet girl.”

Sweet? Don’t make me fucking laugh.

Darn girl is sharp-edged and bitter. Smoke and bad decisions, and that infuriating little smirk she always wears like she knows something no one else does.

Whenever I see her, it’s as though every ugly thing inside me is clawing its way to the surface.

She makes me more volatile, more irritated…more…ruthless. I’ve already got enough darkness rattling around in my head. I don’t need that menace adding to it.

“I just don’t like her,” I mutter.

And I mean it.

I roll my tongue against the inside of my cheek, jaw tightening as fresh irritation settles in my chest.

I just need her away from Kathy.

That is all.

Ivy

Humming under my breath, I step out of Kathy’s room and make my way down the stairs, tapping a lazy rhythm against my thighs.

Halfway down, Kaleb steps out of the kitchen.

My stomach immediately flips.

I bite my lip and casually sweep my hair back, pretending his presence doesn’t affect me in the slightest.

It does.

Too much.

The second he spots me, his expression hardens.

Of course; there’s no surprise there.

He strides toward me, and I straighten instinctively. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.

“You’re walking on very thin ice with me.”

His voice is low and laced with danger.

I turn as he passes. “Should I skate on it?”

He stops and then slowly turns.

The look he gives me could freeze fire. I really am embarrassingly short compared to him.

“I don’t think you want to fuck with me.”

A smirk tugs at my lips before I can stop it. “I might want to.”

His brows knit together at my response. For a moment, he just stares. And suddenly I’m not smiling anymore.

There’s something deeply unsettling in his eyes.

They’re empty.

Not blank.

Empty.

Cold and hollow in a way that makes unease slide down my spine.

Then he exhales sharply, tips his head back like he’s physically restraining himself, and turns away. My eyes slide to his hand, his fingers coiled into a tight fist. Definitely restraining himself.

As he disappears up the stairs, my stomach sinks.

“Shit.” I wince. “It sounded like I was flirting with him…”

By the time he reaches the landing, Kathy is stepping out of her room.

He says something to her, and her shoulders lift in a shrug. I can practically feel him trying to talk her out of tonight.

Very typical of him.

His face softens when he talks to her, that sharp edge he usually sports disappearing like a thin mist.

And somehow that makes my chest ache, a reminder that he doesn’t have positive emotions for me.

Then he slips back into his room and slams the door.

Well.

That was mortifying.

The party is chaos.

Music pounds through the mansion hard enough to shake the floor, and colored lights flash across sweaty bodies.

The air reeks of alcohol, weed, perfume, and chlorine drifting in from the pool.

“Whoooo!” I throw my head back and scream into the noise as Kathy laughs beside me, nearly choking on her beer.

She grabs my hand and pulls me into her, both of us swaying to the music.

“Two o’clock!” she shouts over the bass.

I glance the wrong way.

“No—the other direction!”

I turn and immediately spot Colton. A guy from my math class. He’s always trying to make some kind of move, though I’ve never taken him seriously.

He waves.

I puff out my cheeks and deliberately look away.

Kathy snickers. “You’re so picky.”

“I’m not.”

She grins. “You’re waiting for Lebby.”

Heat floods my face. “I am not.”

“Please.” She laughs. “You’ve got it bad.”

“Your brother hates me.”

Her smile softens. “Aww. He doesn’t hate you.”

“Yes, he does.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “It’s more like... aggressive banter.”

I raise a brow. “Aggressive banter?”

“He’s just weird.” She shrugs. “And kind of messed up in the head. But I don’t think he actually hates you.”

“Sure.” I take another sip of beer.

She starts dancing again, raising her arms. “I told him to back off tonight.”

That surprises me. “You did?”

“Yep. Told him if he keeps acting insane, I’ll start going out more.”

I laugh. “Oh no. What a terrifying threat.”

“You have no idea.”

The room tilts. Slightly at first. Then harder.

The lights blur together into streaks of color. The music feels too loud. The floor feels unstable.

I sway. “Okay.” I grab Kathy’s arm. “I really need to sit down.”

Her expression shifts instantly. “You okay?”

I nod. “Just... buzzed.”

She threads her arm through mine and helps guide me toward the couch. The second I sit, relief floods my body but my head is still spinning and everything feels fuzzy.

I rub my eyes. “Are they red?”

Kathy leans in, inspecting me. “Oh. Yeah.”

“God.” I press my palms against them. “They burn.”

“No more weed.”

I nod weakly.

Then her face lights up. “Oh. My boyfriend’s here.”

I glance up to see Daryl entering through the front doors.

She bites her lip. “Will you be okay?”

“Yeah.” I wave her off. “I’m fine. I’ll probably leave early anyway.”

Her shoulders slump. “I thought we could sleep over.”

“No way. Johanna would murder us.” I pause. “Actually, your brother would murder me.”

She laughs. “Fair point.” Then she squeezes my shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”

I lean my head against the back of the couch.

The room spins slower now. Heavy exhaustion drags at my body.

The bass becomes distant. Muffled. My eyes flutter shut. And before I realize it—

I drift.

A hand on my thigh jolts me awake.

I jerk upright. Colton. He’s sitting way too close. His hand slides back. “Didn’t see me waving earlier?”

I groan softly. “Yeah. I saw.”

My mouth feels dry, and my skull is pounding. “What time is it?”

“A little after ten.”

Shit.

I sit straighter. “Have you seen Kathy?”

“Nope.” His hand settles on my leg again. “I think she’s with her boyfriend.”

“Oh.”

He leans closer. “How about we go swimming? Just you and me.”

His fingers trail higher.

I slap his hand away. “Ew. No.”

His face twists.

“What the hell, I don’t even like you.” The words tumble out harsher than I mean. Blame it on the booze. I grimace. “Sorry. I just... need to find Kathy.”

I push myself to my feet. The room lurches violently, nearly pushing me over on my face.

Colton grabs my hips. “Jesus.” Then he snorts. “You’re obsessed with your friend or something? What are you two—lesbos?”

Who even says that anymore?

I wrench away. “Shut up.”

Needing to get away from him and find my best friend, I quickly stagger towards the stairs. My fingers drag along the cold staircase railing as I climb.

The dizziness worsens immediately and my vision blurs.

Kathy.

Where are you?

Another wave of nausea crashes over me. Desperate, I grab the nearest doorknob, shove the door open, and practically collapse onto the bed inside.

The sheets are soft.

Cool.

Clean.

And within seconds—

Everything goes black.

Hot sunlight bleeds through expensive curtains. It burns against my eyelids until I finally force them open.

Everything hurts.

My mouth tastes stale and bitter. My skull throbs so violently it feels like something is clawing its way out from the inside.

I groan and push myself upright, wincing as the room tilts.

“Oh, great.” My voice comes out dry and scratchy. “I slept the whole night.”

For a second, I just sit there, trying to remember where I am.

Then it hits me.

The party.

Kathy.

A strange panic jolts through me. We should be home.

I scramble out of bed, nearly tripping over my own feet as I stumble into the hallway.

“Kathy?”

My voice echoes down the long corridor.

No answer.

The house is silent.

Too silent.

Colton’s friend Tyler, the party host, must still be asleep.

I glance down the staircase. The entire place looks wrecked. Beer bottles litter the floor. Crushed cups, wrappers, overturned cushions. The aftermath of a party no one bothered to clean.

I hurry downstairs, stepping over the debris. Two brunettes are passed out on the living room carpet, tangled together and dead to the world.

No Kathy.

A cold knot tightens in my stomach. I push through the mess toward the giant glass doors overlooking the pool deck. The morning sun is blinding as I slide one open and step outside.

Heat immediately presses against my skin.

I squint.

And then—

I freeze.

No.

My breath catches.

My body locks.

No.

There, floating face-down in the still blue water, is a body.

Long dark hair spreading around her like ink.

Pink shorts.

Pink nails.

Pink.

Pink.

Pink.

“No.” The word slips out in a broken whisper. My knees buckle.

“No.” My vision blurs as my heart pounds so hard it hurts. Then the scream tears itself from my throat.

“NO!”

I bolt toward the pool.

Somewhere behind me, one of the girls inside wakes with a startled shriek.

“Oh my God—”

I barely hear her. I’m already at the edge. Already dropping to my knees. Already reaching toward the water with shaking hands.

“Kathy!”

But she doesn’t move. Doesn’t stir. Doesn’t laugh and call this some sick joke.

The surface of the water ripples softly.

Mockingly calm.

One of the girls stumbles outside behind me, her face draining of color.

“Is she…” Her voice cracks. “Is she dead?”

I can’t answer. Because I already know.

I know.

And my whole world caves in.

“What do you mean my sister’s dead?” Kaleb asks me in a low tone, his face scrunched in confusion.

His voice is calm, strangely so, but his eyes are widely set on me.

My heavy eyelids can barely keep open from the tears.

“Ivy. Stop crying and answer me. What is going on? Where is Kathy?”

Crossing my arms, I fight tooth and nail to pull the horrowing words from my throat. “She’s…I found her in the pool this morning…I-I don’t know what happened. She was drunk last night, and she left me on the couch for a while and then…”

Kaleb shuts his eyes for a beat. When he opens them, his tone is only a pitch higher as he says, “Are you playing a fucking prank on me?”

God.

I wish.

I wish this was some horrible joke.

I wish Kathy would come barreling through the door laughing.

I wish someone would tell me to wake up.

My throat is dry as I swallow again, bile on my tongue. I’m about to throw up as I helplessly stare at Kaleb.

His breathing has increased. “The fuck happened…” But it’s as though he’s asking himself.

“I don’t know…they said…they said she didn’t…”

Kaleb shoves me aside, and I stagger into the decorative vase on a table nearby. My hip almost slams it to the tiled floors, and I sniffle as one of the paramedics holds out a hand on reflex. He doesn’t know that what’s already broken is my heart.

My only reason for living is gone. My best friend is gone. And it’s all my fault…

Mine.

Mine.

“…can you call your parents? Do you have a number for…”

The voices are distorted, but I feebly manage to make out Kaleb’s brittle, edgy response. He sounds different, like his throat is stuffed with broken glass. “Y-Yeah…I do. I think…”

I can’t look up. I can’t. I can’t see Kathy. Pale-faced. White. With purple lips that aren’t lipstick this time. She’s too pale—God, Kathy is so pale she’s almost blue.

Kaleb nods, and nods again and again, as though it’s the only thing he knows how to do at this point. The paramedic team is talking to him, some unravelling the reclined bed, gathering a fresh white sheet, perhaps to cover her with.

I find myself crouching to the floor, and the room becomes a thick cloud of fog. Memories of the party return intensely, and I plaster my palms over my ears as if that will shut out her breathy laughter.

Legs past to and fro. I peer up from the creases of my fingers to see them leaving with Kathy’s body. A peek of her fingers hangs limply over the bed. Her pink nails are still fresh. Her finger is still adorned with her silver ring. The one that’s an exact duplicate of mine. We bought them years ago, and we haven’t taken them off since.

My hands shake, and an inaudible cry hums from my mouth. Tears paste my dark hair to my face as my head, heart, and throat throbs with the onset of an emotional breakdown.

Suddenly, I’m being yanked off the ground, a set of long fingers digging into my arms. My lips tremble as I weakly peer up into the wet, blue eyes of Kaleb.

“I-I’m sorry…” I manage to mumble through tremoring lips. I’ve never felt this vulnerable helplessness in front of anyone. Especially him.

“Shut up.” He bites out, his words ice, and his eyes just as cold.

I try to press my lips together, but his hold on my arm is getting more painful by the minute. It hurts, but not more than the resounding fact that my best friend is gone.

“Don’t look at me.” He warns. “Look at the floor.”

I don’t listen—my head’s a mess.

“Look at the floor.” He repeats, “Because if you don’t, I don’t trust what I’ll do…”

My eyes fall to his black trainers. The least I can do is comply with whatever he says to me. Because the truth is I’m the reason his sister is currently lying cold in the back of an ambulance. It’s all my fault.

Mine, mine, mine.

Kaleb should curse me to filth. God, anything, because I deserve it all.

Then he grabs my arm, presumably to take me away from the eyes of the men in blue overalls and around the back of the mansion that was, hours before, thronged with laughing faces. They are all gone. Everyone. Did they not see Kathy in the pool while they were leaving? Why’d I have to fall asleep? Why’d I drink so much? I should have never smoked.

Kaleb shoves me up against the hard white walls, and I can barely stand upright. The cement freezes my back revealed from my tank shirt.

He sniffles, and his eyes are red with pain…and anger. He looks away, his jaw working as he places a hand on his waist. He looks discombobulated. He’s shaking. His skin is flushed red.

“I’m so sorry…” I manage to say again, “I shouldn’t—I shouldn’t have let her out of my sight…I was…” I chew on my bottom lip, nipping at the dry skin until I taste blood. I cross my shivering arms. “I just…”

“What the fuck did I say to you?!” He steps up into my face, his face ticking at the side. “I told you not to take her to the party. I told you to leave my sister alone. To stay away from her.” He grinds his teeth, nostrils flaring, his breathing quick and short.

“Don’t look at me.” He uses two fingers to pry my cheek away so that I’m staring to the left. Where the pool is. My eyes water even more, and my chest sinks.

Oh, God…

“This! Is your fucking fault.” His low voice drifts along my wet cheek. Hot like molten lava. “You killed her. Remember this moment. Remember this day and what the fuck you did. You don’t deserve to be happy as long as you live. Not when Kathy is dead…”

Dead.

No.

My vision blurs over until I’m unable to see anything.

His voice cracks. “You should have been the one in the pool.”

And as if making sure I hear his words of condemnation, he grabs my cheeks and steers my face to him finally. The tears silently fall. I blank off somewhere behind him. Knowing I deserve his rebuke. “You should have been the one dead instead.”

The words hit like a physical blow.

He releases me roughly, and I slide down the wall onto the burning concrete.

My face disappears into my arms as the sobs tear through me.

Because he’s right.

He’s right.

It should have been me.

••

I can hardly feel the couch beneath me, it’s as though I’m sitting on puffy clouds. My legs are jerking, my eyes are swollen; I can’t look out of them. Kalen sits across from me

on the floor with his Superman toy.

Upstairs, I can hear the sobs.

Deep. Broken. Raw.

Johanna fainted when she first heard. Doctors came. She’s revived while Harold went out to further identify Kath.

Now, there’s more weeping. This time from a male’s voice I know all too well.

“Kaleb…” Johanna’s worried voice travels down the staircase.

Kaleb seems to be punching something. “I can’t…” he’s saying, crying. I’ve never heard him cry before.

I bite hard on my bottom lip, staring at his brother.

Smash

“KALEB!”

“I can’t…I can’t fucking do it…”

“Look at me, baby…”

“Look at me, honey…”

“Kathy…”

I climb up fast, feeling as though I would faint of heartache if I don’t move. Sniffling, I lower myself on the carpet next to Kalen. My mind is swirling, I’m sinking into an ocean of sorrow. Reaching up, I trail my trembling hand down his hair. His face is sullen, though he’s quietly playing with his toys, and I wish there was a way I could reverse the damage.

The door opens, and Mr. Harold enters the house. I slowly stand, as if he’s here with the magical news that my best friend is alive and everything that has happened was only an illusion. Like I was still drunk when I woke up in Tyler’s mansion. Or the weed wasn’t out of my system and it was all my imagination.

His lips bend, proving my wish to be unreal. And he walks over and gently pulls me into a hug. I allow the tears to freely fall again. And now the living room is filled with my loud sobs. And upstairs—Kaleb’s hoarse cries.