Surviving, Not Living

I groaned as I rolled over in my bed. It can’t be six o’clock already, I just went to sleep a few hours ago! I opened my eyes and squinted at my clock on my nightstand. Yup, six o’clock. I hit the button on my clock to turn the blaring alarm that seems louder that morning than usual.

I sat up and sat on the edge of my bed and yawned. My name is Tasha, I’m sixteen years old. I live with my little sister Cora who is thirteen, and our mom and our mom’s husband Craig. Craig isn’t mine and Cora’s dad, we don’t have the same dad. Cora’s dad was pretty cool.

I considered him my dad. He was actually nice to us and my mom. But my mom can never make relationships work with decent guys. They broke up when I was ten, I was fucking pissed and hurt, the day he left us.

Him and my mom had been arguing a lot, he was pissed at my mom for getting hooked on heroin. He was fine when she was just smoking weed. My mom is very careless, and she’d always leave her leftover joints in an ashtray.

Whenever she wasn’t around I’d finish off the joints. But then when she started doing heroin, she spent all her money to get her fix each month and tried to get him to pay for it. I finally got up from my bed to get dressed.

Me and Cora would hide in my closet when they’d argue. Their arguments would often turn into screaming matches. That last argument I still remember so clearly. “I can’t deal with this anymore, I’m fucking done!” It scared me when I heard him say that.

We heard him stomp out of the house slamming the door behind him. That’s when I ran out of my closet leaving Cora and ran out the front door of our apartment. I ran after him, crying and telling him not to leave us.

He stopped and turned around, as I ran up to him and grabbed his hand and tried to pull him back to the house. “Please, don’t leave me and Cora!” He just said he was sorry and that he couldn’t do it anymore. And then he left and we never saw him again.

And then a few months after that my mom met Craig. And not long after that he moved in. At first he seemed nice, he was nice to me and Cora and my mom. And then five months after he moved in they got married.

That’s when things started to change. He started drinking a lot, and sometimes when I’d come home from school my mom would have a black eye or bruised cheek. We’d ask what happened and she’d make up some excuse, like she fell.

But I knew the truth. The first time he hit me was when I had told him he could go fuck himself, when he wanted me to clean up the mess him and my mom made one night when they got really drunk and made a mess in the kitchen and living room.

My mom saw him hit me, and I think it surprised her as much as it did me. She didn’t say anything to him though, and didn’t try to protect me. Later on she just told me not to make him mad again.

I started hating him when he started coming into my room at night. I tried telling my mom one time what was going on. She didn’t believe me though, she thought I was lying to her. So why bother telling the truth when I’m not believed, right?

I learned to let him finish what he would start in my room at night. Trying to fight against him would only make him mad and he’d be rougher with me. Afterwards he would seem to be in a better mood and would be nicer to me and Cora.

He hasn’t come into my room in over a year now, I think I’ve gotten too old for him. I’ve noticed sometimes he looks at Cora the way he used to look at me. So now I always make sure I know where she is and never leave her alone with him.

One time when I was twelve I asked my mom who my dad was. She got really mad and told me never to talk about that bastard again. She called him a loser and trash. “He can’t be fucking worse than Craig raping me!” Yup, I said that to her. God was she fucking pissed at me!

It was the first time she slapped me. “Don’t you ever say that again! You’re just fucking jealous of me!” She screamed it at me and she acted completely crazy.

I have to wake up Cora and get her ready and then get myself ready so we’re not late for school again. Her bedroom is just across the hall from my room. I tiptoed out of my room and sneaked into her room.

My mom works the night shift at a waffle house, so we have to be quiet in the morning so she can sleep. She can be a real bitch when she gets woken up. And she usually goes to sleep in the morning drunk. Which makes her even worse when she gets woken up.

I quietly closed the bedroom door behind me and walked over to Cora’s bed. “Hey, time to wake up!” I said quietly to the lump under the old blanket. I reached out and shook her. I heard her groan as she started to wake up.

“C’mon, time to get up.” I exclaimed. “Already?” Cora asked sleepily. “ Yup, time to get ready for school.” I replied. Cora finally pulled the blanket off of her head and sat up. Her black hair was all over the place.

She rubbed at her blue eyes as she yawned. “C’mon sleepyhead,” I said, smiling at her. “You have your math test today, you don’t want to be late.” I remind her. I’ve been taking care of Cora for as long as I can remember.

My mom completely stopped doing anything for us once she got hooked on heroin. But I don’t mind, Cora and I get along really well. I came out of the bathroom dressed and ready to go. I reached down and scooped up my book bag that was sitting on the floor.

I’ve been using this book bag for the past three years, it’s almost falling apart. My mom won’t buy me a new one. I glanced in Cora’s room and she wasn’t there, then I headed to the kitchen.

When I came into the kitchen Cora was getting a box of pop tarts from the cabinet. She peered into the box and pulled out a pack of pop tarts. “There’s only one left, we’ll have to share this one.” Cora informed me.

“That’s okay, you eat them.” I replied, as my stomach growled. “Are you sure?” Cora asked me with concern showing on her pretty face. “Yeah, I’m not really that hungry anyway.” I forced a smile, and she nodded.

“You don’t want to be hungry when you take your test.” I said to her, I noticed a shadow cast itself over her delicate features. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. Cora shrugged her shoulders as she fingered the pack of pop tarts in her hands.

“I’m just nervous about the test.” She admitted in a small voice. “Why? You know you’re gonna crush it!” I exclaimed enthusiastically. Cora peered up at me. “You think so?” She asked me.

“Hell yeah! You’ve been studying hard for that test!” I explained to her. I reached out and draped my arm over her shoulders. “Have I ever been wrong before?” I asked her. Cora smiled as she pretended to think about it.

“Well,” She drew the word out. “Hey!” I exclaimed, and tousled her hair. Cora giggled. “C’mon, let’s go.” I sobered quickly, and guided her towards the front door of our apartment. When we stepped outside, I noticed Craig getting into his truck in the parking lot.

He started the engine and sat back watching us. I still had my arm around Cora’s shoulders as we started to pass by him. “You girls want a ride to school?” Craig asked us in his deep gruff voice.

“No, we’re gonna walk.” I answered without looking at him. “You speak for Cora now?” He asked me. “Cora, you want a ride?” He asked then. Cora came to a stop as she half turned to look at him.

“I wanna walk,” Cora replied, and then turned to continue walking. I glanced at him before turning back around. He looked annoyed and I gave him a triumphant look. We started walking down the road.

We live in the South Bronx area of New York City. It’s kind of a poor area of the city and there’s a lot of crime here. But the Bronx has always been our home, and I loved living here.