RAW

Seeing the girls on tiktok crying their hearts out feeling that intense amount of emotion over a breakup didn't make sense to me cause I thought I had never felt like that. Then my roommates and I shared our definitions of heartbreak stories and it was like I went back in time and then I understood EXACTLY how those girls on tiktok felt, cause as much as I tried to get past it and forget it, It hit me again tonight and now im reliving one of my worst nightmares and feeling those things again.

Now here I am reminiscing, thinking about the good and the bad times and how really terrible I felt and now i feel awful. Punishing myself by rereading our texts on whatsapp and snapchat. CHRIST I almost even called him. I really thought I was done with that painful chapter of myself, feeling so worthless and not enough. Envying the happy , unproblematic, perfect "relationship" he seemed to have with every single person but me. Especially how overlooked I felt when he was with his "ride or die" as he called her. How he always defended her and never me, when he called me a bitch cause i confronted him about her and every other AWFUL thing he said and did to me. But that was three years ago, I should have moved on by now, I really thought I did. But here I am now in the toilet begging myself to not let these tears drop and go back out there like i'm okay. But I will be. I just have to remember to never ever give someone else this kind over power over me cause it's not worth any of it.

Three months after I was dreaming