Chapter 1
I have always been the issue. When I speak they say I yell. When I yell they say I do too much. When I keep quiet they say I'm an acting like a saint and nonchalant.
When I complain, they say I'm looking for attention. When I try to speak my mind, they say they don't care.
I don't know who to turn to, I look to my right, then at my left, the road is completely dry. No cars are passing, even the breeze has gone away.
I lied when I said I'm happy, all my life has been a lie. All the stories I told you guys were just my fantasy. But deep down I'm a broken record.
When everyone asks me. “ Are you ok?” I put on that smile, and replied. “ yes”. But deep down, that yes is from a dark hole, full of so many doors open at the same time.
I try to convince myself that Jesus will work it out. But I guess I'm running out of faith. I speak to no one, because no one gets it, I myself I don't get it.
I have tried speaking to God, using broken gospel songs, which made me feel good. I tried reading my Bible, but I guess I ran out of interest. I tried staying away from myself, maybe I would get the old broken pieces back. But it still never worked.
I walked out at night, standing in front of that empty toy shop, hoping I would turn back to the nine years old me. But I guess it would never happen, because she was more broken than I am.
I try to live the Christianity life, but the brokenness has taken over the so called our heart,
Yes I did try, yes I didn't give up at the beginning. It is a battle I have been fighting since I was nine, I thought when I grow older they would leave. But they just grew and more added to it.
I never really care too much about my looks. But now my belly is fat, everywhere looks perfect except my tummy. I look at myself in the mirror, the face card is tea, but what about the belly. I wear pants that press my belly, but it only hurts, that I end up pulling it out. What is all this for. Why should I be hurt in this little age of mine?.
I want validation, and appreciation, but I really never get them. I look at other girls, tiny belly, tiny thighs, and pretty tiny faces, they have no fat. I smile and call them pretty but behind the broken mirror, I'm trying to fix my own pieces, so that I can be like them.
Why am I like this. Why do I care so much? I don't know what to do, I guess I developed the super power since I was nine, I know how to smile while I'm broken. So only music can help me cry full tears.
When I was growing, the issue was me having three brothers and being the only girl with no sister makes me feel lonely. But now the situation has changed. It is that and now my body.
I'm tired I wait for hours till everyone goes to bed, and the whole house is quiet. So that I can pour my heart and tears to God. I starve myself from food, at a young age, just because I fear to be called a fat girl. I have never felt enough. When I wake up, I hate my body. If I'm not quiet and skinny, will it even matter. I'm just trying to feel seen. I'm scared even when people my age speak, because I have a lot running in my mind. What is all this for. What if I meet Jesus in heaven, what will I tell him? All the sin I do, all the movies I just watch that aren't my age. All the tears that are flowing and stopping. What is going on, I have screamed my whole life since I was nine, it has always been the same. There was a time in life when I lost my voice due to all the screaming. Still I pray to God at night, I encourage people to pray and seek God. But what I'm doing. Not as such. I hate being hungry when I go to sleep. I hate starving myself, because it hurts.
Not to even enter the dating topic, because that always cuts me off guard. I guess I will never be fit for anyone. No one will ever love me. I will always remain the unmatched clue to the broken mirror. I'm killing myself with all this feeling, but it is not helping. I have tried writing my feelings down, as a child, but it still doesn't work.
What is going on? I go to church every single Sunday. I was told that children of God will be happy, and they will have everything they want. But the truth is. They are hurting the most. Not to talk about my name meaning peace, love, happiness. But I have none, so what is this?.
I doubt I will achieve all these unspoken dreams. What happened after this end. Not to even talk about finally meeting someone I consider close as a sister. But meeting her at the end of 8th grade feels like another arrow just hit the target, which is my heart. Now I'm attracted to her, but we are going to different highschool, different locations. So I wonder why I met her, if she will still leave. Now I know why my guards are always so high. I'm trying not to cry, when I need myself the most.
I sat down for two weeks, writing letters to God. And I make sure that I put my letter first. But he never opened it. I ask daily “ God can you please open your mal box” but I guess he has his favorite. What is the need of going to church every Sunday, when my faith is slowly dying.away. I try to take people in the Bible situations as examples. So I keep writing, hoping he will open the letters, but watch if he never opens it. That will be all.
People close to me are hurting. I lay. But it only increased. So what is it all for? I'm just growing, and I'm running out of my own mindset. I see all the rainbow colors I my mind, that's how broken it reflects.
I am nine years old. Must be crying in the same corner, I left her. But how can I help her, when I haven't helped the present for her.
No one is listening to me. All they see is this fake smile, and good grades. But they don't know that it is the fear that makes me bring those good grades. And the don't even know they grades come apart.
“ who am I “.
“ who is she”
