Chapter 1
Every time I wake up, it's still the same. I go to school, and all people see is that sweet, kind, good girl. But they don't know what is behind her.
The smile, the mood, and everything. They don't know that I lost tears to get it where it is.
The good grade, honor roll and everything but I'm still empty.
Teachers favorite teacher, good Friend, Jesus girl. But what is going on?
Every time I sit down alone. All I think about is that I am nine years old. Sitting in that parking lot, waiting for a free bus to carry her burdens away. But no one did. She sat there , the next thing she knew, she was twelve. My life has always been a circle. I knew where it would start, but the middle always scared me.
When I was nine, I didn't have good grades. When I was ten, eleven, twelve. I never had good grades and no honor roll. They didn't say it out loud, but I could see the disappointment in their faces. After being called a disgrace. Everything scares my little mind.
I go to school everyday. Hear, see my Friends talk about their anxiety, depression, mental Health. And they all ask me why I'm so happy, and I'm always in a good mood. They even call me a nerd and how I'm very smart. But if I could tell them the journey I took, which brought me to where I am.
All the tears I shared from 2020 to 2024. Those were years where an empty room was all I ever wanted and needed. All my tears have drowned me till date, when I think about it, it scares me.
Then came 2025. I thought it would all go well. The year did start well, but now. It is going in different angles, and I'm confused. I see girls who eat a lot but are still skinny and pretty. But I starve myself, and I go to bed hungry. I stay days without eating. All I do is drink water. My belly hurts, but I ignore the pain. All I want is to be small, and pretty, and to be noticed. But I will just never fit in.
Everyone thinks I'm ok. But how can I explain, I learned how to cover my pain since I was nine. So basically it's something I was gifted with. Not to talk about God. Because I prayed to him for so long, I was at a loss for words. But here I am, still broke, still searching, still wondering. Now I just removed Christianity from my problems, because it never helps. I have lost my passion for writing every week because the old broken me is coming back, the isolation is becoming real. Comparing my body with others is getting to me. I'm killing myself with this starvation and I know it, but I just put up with it. I can't talk to anyone, because my tears will fall off, and I will feel like the nine year old me again. I don't wanna go back to 2020 no I don't.
I hold my Bible, and do know what I'm doing.
I wonder if there is any future for me, everyday I wake up I hate my body. I'm not even that big. But my mind says otherwise, why I'm not like other girls. If I'm not skinny and pretty will I ever be known. What am I? I always smile. Well that's because the little me has cried all the Every time I wake up, it's still the same. I go to school, and all people see is that sweet, kind, good girl. But they don't know what is behind her.
The smile, the mood, and everything. They don't know that I lost tears to get it where it is.
The good grade, honor roll and everything but I'm still empty.
Teachers favorite teacher, good Friend, Jesus girl. But what is going on?
Every time I sit down alone. All I think about is that I am nine years old. Sitting in that parking lot, waiting for a free bus to carry her burdens away. But no one did. She sat there , the next thing she knew, she was twelve. My life has always been a circle. I knew where it would start, but the middle always scared me.
When I was nine, I didn't have good grades. When I was ten, eleven, twelve. I never had good grades and no honor roll. They didn't say it out loud, but I could see the disappointment in their faces. After being called a disgrace. Everything scares my little mind.
I go to school everyday. Hear, see my Friends talk about their anxiety, depression, mental Health.
tears away from my body, what should I do now? I'm scared that I will never lose belly and a little fat. I starve my poor body, I stuck my tummy on my outfit. Yes, I know I suffocate her.
I wish I could wake up and feel good about myself. I always show up. But who is for me? Who sees me? Maybe I will be all alone forever. When it is concerning body insecurities, I will stand behind the room with a tissue.
Who am I? I have always compared myself with other girls. They are famous, they are pretty, but what am I. Nothing. Maybe that's why I get emotional when people open up to me. Because I wish I had courage like them. At this point. Writing is my only free will. This is the only thing that makes me feel seen. I miss the writing passion I had. Where has it all gone?. I cut off sugar from my tea. I end pizza, I end burger, I look at all my calories. But here I am. I'm doing all this and I think it's not healthy.
Everything about me always falls down when I finally match the pins together. I will always be the unfinished puzzle. To be skinny, pretty, famous, is a privilege. I wish I had that. Who am I? Will I just be the girl who always asks, writes, but never gets an answer. I hope I don't go back to the girl I used to be. Because this time, I can't save her.
I hope I can fix myself. For the future I will enjoy it.
I doubt I will ever be a lawyer or anything in life. At this point, I want…. Just.
