Chapter 1
Memory is tricky. What happened years ago feels raw, fresh and still painful.
I pulled up the pictures of my niece. So tiny. So Sweet. Carissa Dawn. I realized I never responded. Holy shit. What kind of aunt was I? It was just past midnight – not too late.
Me: She is the most precious thing ever. Congratulations! How is Karen doing?
Barely a heartbeat later and…
Roger: I was beginning to worry but figured you were asleep. She is perfect in every way. Karen is doing amazing – tired but in love!
Me: Can I come visit tomorrow? I can’t wait to meet her!
Roger: Yes. Absolutely!
Me: Get some sleep brother. It’s going to be a long time until you two get good sleep again.
He signed off with his usual kissing emoji. I put my phone on the charger and turned off the light. But sleep didn’t come until the first hint of morning break.
…
I woke to the sound of someone pounding on my kitchen door. I realized that the banging had been going on for a few minutes as I put a robe on and hollered, “Just a minute!”
My brain had not caught up with my body yet and I automatically opened the door. Jonas had a worried look on his face, one foot on the top step like he wasn’t sure if he was coming or going. I wanted to ask why he was there but he had two cups of coffee.
I tightened my robe, left the door opened and plopped down at the kitchen table. He was the reason I was up most of the night.
“Are you okay?” His voice carried concern as he entered the kitchen and shut the door with his foot.
“Late night. Is one of those for me?” I pointed and he placed a cup in front of me. I took off the lid and dropped it on the table, not even caring about the dribbles of liquid. He sat across from me.
I gulped the lukewarm coffee and quietly wondered just how long had he been standing out there – coffee getting cold?
He sipped on his and acted all casual when he said, “oh, did you go out again?”
I thought about saying yes just to see what his reaction would be. Petty. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I just couldn’t sleep.”
The smirk that spread across his mouth made his eyes light up. He leaned toward me and in a conspiratorial voice said, “I was thinking about you too.”
I was still too groggy to argue with him, so I changed the topic. “What are you doing here anyway?”
He leaned back in his chair. “Roger said you weren’t answering your phone, so I’d figure I would check on you and give you a ride to the hospital. He said you are going there today.”
“What time is it?” I asked over my shoulder, as I returned to the bedroom. I unplugged my cell phone. It was ten past eleven. I had three missed calls from Roger and a missed text from Bill. I wasn’t ready to read his message yet.
I reappeared in the kitchen. “11:10,” Jonas said.
“What?” I looked up from my phone.
“You asked me what time it was and then left the room.”
“Oh, sorry. Hazards of living alone – I talk to myself a lot.”
For a horrible split second, I wondered if he lived by himself. Was he married? Did he have kids? Roger and I had an agreement to never discuss that part of my life, even though I knew Roger and Jonas kept in touch.
I couldn’t help myself – I darted a glance at his ring finger. No ring. No tan line of one either.
Jonas followed my gaze and wiggled his finger. “Nope. Not married. The one I wanted got away.”
That was a gut punch.
“I can’t do this with you right now, Jonas.”
“Funny. You seemed pretty comfortable with a married man last night.”
I stomped a foot. “Jonas.”
“Yes?”
I inhaled deeply and willed my nerves to calm down. “Thank you for the coffee and the wake up visit.” I picked up the cup and headed back to the bedroom, calling out. “You can let yourself out.”
I didn’t wait to hear his engine roar off. I went directly to the bathroom and started a shower while I returned a text to Roger to say I would be along shortly.
As the hot water ran down my hair, I paused for a moment thinking about the kisses. The attraction was still there. Dangerous as ever; like opening a box I should have left buried. A box that needed to be reburied.
I towel dried my hair and dressed in a hurry. I couldn’t believe I slept so long. There was no time to think about last night, the kisses, his warm breath on my lips.
Scurrying for the kitchen, I became agitated when I couldn’t locate my car key. It took me a few seconds to remember that Roger still had it.
“Damnit!” I muttered. The hospital was too far and off the highway to ride my bicycle. Now I was going to have to call for a ride.
I snagged my coffee from the table, noticing that Jonas must have cleaned the droplets and placed the lid back on the cup. I brought out my phone and requested a ride as I stepped outside.
In the driveway was the purple or what did he call it? Midnight something? Jonas leaned against the hood, arms crossed and a knowing smirk lighting up his face.
I stopped halfway down the stairs.
“I thought you left,” the words were harsher than they needed to be.
“I did. I left the house. But you still need a ride to the hospital.”
I shooed him off. “I’ve called for a ride already.”
“Seems a little silly considering I am going there to meet my goddaughter as well.”
“Wait? They asked you to be her godfather?”
“Why do you sound surprised?”
I couldn’t let him see the shock I felt. They hadn’t asked me to be her godmother. Did they ask someone else?
“I just…um…” Stop stuttering. I cleared my throat. “I just didn’t know, that’s all.”
“Mhmmm.”
Okay, I could either sound like a total bitch and tell him to go by himself or I could appear calm and put together and accept his ride offer.
I smiled at him. He lowered his arms. “Thank you. I’ll cancel my ride.”
The grin that spread across his face was almost comical.
He opened the passenger door for me and I played it cool. I could not let this man get to me. I knew nothing about him anymore. Well, except that his kissing abilities had reached a new level of extraordinary. But so what? Right? I bet Bill kissed just as good. I mentally cringed at the peck he gave me on the cheek last night. Not his fault though. He was being respectful. And that’s what I wanted. Respect.
We traveled in polite silence for the most part except for the occasional mundane question from Jonas and the just as mundane response from me. There was little traffic and we reached the hospital in twenty minutes. I was so happy to be out of his car. Thank goodness he didn’t bring up the previous night again.
As we rode the elevator to the sixth floor, my heart quickened as I leaned against a wall. He stared straight ahead almost as if I were a stranger. His features had matured from a handsome teenager to a striking man. There was the smallest touch of gray streaking his right temple and I had to stop myself from grazing my finger along it. It amplified his rugged look.
The doors opened and my neck flushed with embarrassment. I had watched him the entire short ride. If he was aware, he didn’t let on.
He led the way down the corridor but took a step back so I could enter the room first. Strange how I felt I was barging in on a private moment. Roger had always been my person, but seeing him sidled next to Karen in the bed while she nursed Carissa gave me the distinct feeling that our bond had somehow changed. But one peek at that tiny little head nestled next to Karen and somehow my issue was no longer relevant.
Both parents looked up and beamed as I approached. Roger hopped out of the bed and gave me the biggest hug I could ever remember.
“Auntie!” He said and squeezed me tight. “Come. Meet your niece.”
I hesitated. I couldn’t find my breath. Who knew that sheer joy felt so similar to anxiety? My heart felt like it would explode right out of my chest.
“She won’t break,” Roger whispered.
“I might,” I answered and the tears started rolling.
I took the extra couple of steps to the bed, as Karen slid the johnny back to her shoulder. She swaddled Carissa like she had been doing it for years. Karen tapped the side of the bed where Roger had just left. I scooted next to her and leaned against her shoulder.
“You two are the most perfect picture in the world,” I said.
“Do you want to hold her?”
“Of course I do.” I straightened up and she passed my niece to my arms. She was so little. So precious.
“Hi,” I cooed. “It’s your Auntie Nikki.”
Karen leaned toward me and nudged my ribs gently. “Auntie Nikki, huh? Not Nicole?”
I hadn’t even realized I used my nickname. I just smiled and said, “Yeah, Auntie Nikki loves you Miss Carissa Dawn.” Her drowsy eyes opened enough to look at me. “I have all kinds of plans for us. We are going to hang out a lot. Especially so mommy and daddy can get some sleep. I bet you will love reading. Well, I’ll read to you until you learn yourself. Is that a deal?”
“Just…could you wait on the Shakespeare until she’s at least five?” Karen laughed.
“Of course,” I answered, never taking my eyes off of her. “We’ll wait until you are at least six. Right? No Shakespeare until you’re six.”
“Roger has something to ask you,” Karen said.
I had almost forgotten about the other grownups in the room. Carissa had my heart and full attention already.
Roger cleared his throat and approached the bedside. I looked up and saw Jonas leaning against the doorframe watching all of us, but his eyes were mostly on Carissa.
“Karen and I would be honored if you will be Carissa’s godmother.”
I whipped my head to Karen and back to Roger. I don’t think my smile could have been any bigger. “Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Yes. Godmother Auntie Nikki.”
Carissa peered at me again. She pursed her tiny little lips in approval and returned to sleeping.
The tears started again. I was utterly overwhelmed with joy. I looked up at Jonas and announced, “we’re going to be godparents together.”
The look on his face wasn’t what I expected. His jaw was tight and a flash of something…pain maybe..darted from his damp eyes. He nodded, as a tear fell down his cheek.
“I’ll be back,” he muttered. And he left looking defeated.
