Our Broken Eden

The therapist asks when we stopped loving each other. Luka is the first to laugh, and I am unable to answer because the truth is, I have no idea. It only started, however, the instant Luka's voice stopped sounding like home to me, and morphed into thunder.

Once we were the most to each other; now we have become two strangers asking each other why we ever promised to spend our lives together.

Outside, the rain continues to drum against the window; in here, only the clinking of our watches can be heard - a constant reminder of how time flies and simultaneously does not advance. Luka is practically wriggling beside me, playing with his wedding ring as though the object itself is a lock and there is no key anywhere. "Where do you want us to start?" asks Dr.

Rene, her voice smooth as silk.

"There's nowhere to start, you know. My mother insists on this charade, and that's about it," Luka scoffs, then immediately turns his eyes towards me. I give him a stern look, reminding him that he, too, agreed to this conversation.

"You are not going to make this worse by twistimg my words, are you?" Luka demands, his eyes a mixture of fear and fury-my personal favorite. "No, I would not.

Nor should you," I retorrt,

Her gaze travels between us, sensing our tension, and she prompts: "Tell me, Crystal: What does this room feel like?"

"Heavy. Like being stood on the cusp of something beautiful but terribly destructive."

"Worthless. There's literally no point in being here," Luka declares. A tiny spark of anger flares up in my chest for saying that.

I mean, the room isn't completely useless, right?

He did hold my hand on the first rainy Tuesday, when he said the words he later did not mean.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

"So let us explore that pointlessness, shall we?" asks Dr. Rene. "Underneath it all is something significant you are both feeling, some reason you are both still here."

Luka gives me a look, the exact expression filled with either pure hatred, or maybe sheer hope, and she puts her pen down. The only sound that fills the tense air is the continued, monotonous ticking, a mocking rhythm for a monotonous marriage.

"This therapy nonsense, that's not for us. It's Crystal's fault we're even here-just trying to "fix" things and be a good wife, even when there's nothing to save." He grins wickedly. "I see that we finally agree on something: nothing to save."

"You're so arrogant, aren't you? Your arrogance was what originally drew me in, back when you didn't see a problem. Now it seems to act as an impassable barrier between us," I snap,

"You were perfectly happy when I agreed to get married, even when you knew it was arranged. But now that we've been together for years and your act of falling 'in love' with a 'convenient man' has tired itself, you want to walk away. And don't even try saying that you are some kind of a victim here; your mother wanted you married to a man of means, and you agreed.

Just like he," she indicates Luka, "is here only because his mother sees Crystal pulling away, and he's "not doing his part to salvage the marriage.""

Luka flinches. "Though even she must know there's nothing to salvage," he muses under his breath, glancing at me. "It's true, Crystal never sought therapy herself-you refused-but she expressed her discomfort with this forced romance," he explains further, almost directly addressing his mother, even if she's not here, ""

I flinch, my cheeks flushing hot. "When has it ever been a romance? I never even agreed to the... the marriage proposal! I was so afraid because all I could imagine were these unhappy years of having to fake our way through life."

"See, both of you are here lying, pretending to feel 'sad' or 'happy' to each other. Crystal: pretending to be content in this marriage that was made out to be "a good match." And you, Luka: pretending to hold on, when everything within you tells you that it is easier to fail this marriage than to continue on like this, even if he would never admit it, would he?"

she muses, her gaze once again lingering on the wedding ring that graces the groom's left hand, but crystal is right there is nothing to save "Crystal and you, both of you knew that there was nothing to be "fixed."

There were never "wedding vows" for either of you, there was only a "arrangement,". Your mother knew it Crystal, you know it. The only way for us to have truly loved each other would be to let this fall apart. The fact that we couldn't give ourselves the 'option to not get married' just proves that there is no true love between us, just obligations that had never meant for you Luka as well.

Had you truly loved me, you'd not let me agree, you'd tell me there was a way to escape it."

Her pen continues to fly across the paper. "It is much easier to live a lie, isn't it? Pretending to love each other. Pretending the world has not noticed how our love has long since expired."

"Crystal will never let me have that; her pride just won't allow it. It would be too "embarrassing to her to 'have a divorce'." I chuckle dryly.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

"Yes," Luka says bitterly, "my 'pride.' It will be embarrassing to my mother, to her parents, and even to herself. She needs this marriage to "work."

She's spent too much time playing make-believe that our arrangement was ever real love for that to happen.

I did what she wanted."

He looks back at me.

"But you?

You actually believed there was something real with me?

You actually thought I might love you back?"

Her eyes narrow slightly. "And are you asking now, in this safe space, whether you could have?"

I sigh, closing my eyes. Dr. Rene finally sets her pen down, a thoughtful expression on her face.

"So.

You both agreed to be here. So you both wanted something enough to walk into this room." Luka makes a small sound of disbelief. "You both have points to make about the situation.

Crystal you said, in part, 'I don't want to have to pretend.'

That suggests you wish this charade could end." Dr. Rene turns to Luka.

"You said, 'There's nothing to start with.' What if that's where we begin?" I can feel Luka's gaze boring holes into the side of my face-hate or hope.

"Crystal, if you were to walk out this door today with nothing solved, but with just one thing clearer... what would that one thing be?"

I want to answer-I want to scream that this whole situation is ridiculous-but all that comes out is a small breathy sob. "What would you like to learn, Crystal?" she inquires, ever so patiently. "I wanted to see if there was something left to save."

And then she asks.

"What do you think now?"

I smile then. "I think I just want out."