1
Immediate, crushing nausea plagued me to the bones.There was nothing more I could do except wait and wonder and hope that the worst had not happened.For all I knew, her lifeless body lay in a zipped bag, heaved into an ambulance by men who only knew her as a code they answered moments too late.
I pulled to the side of the highway, threw open the door, and began to dry heave off the side of the overpass.I couldn’t think like that.She couldn’t be gone, I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it.We were connected, somehow in a way that I could never prove or understand, and I knew that if she were truly gone, I would just…know.She had fought too hard and too long to just be gone, like the wick of a candle pinched between spit-dampened fingertips.
In that moment, I was merely a drop of rain, and she was my ocean.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I shot out of bed at my first alarm, 5:25 am. It was going to be a great day. Even though the sun hadn’t shown its face just yet, I was wide awake and ready for anything. I pulled on my brand new Victoria’s Secret yoga leggings and a fitted purple and grey striped v-neck, checking to be sure that my cleavage looked great but at the same time wasn’t too revealing, unbraided my long blonde hair into soft beachy waves, and double checked that my makeup was perfect. I had few more minutes until I needed to leave, so I slipped back into bed and snuggled up to my sleeping boyfriend, Jason.
He wrapped a muscular arm around my waist with a closed, slightly crooked smile that always made me a little weak. His sandy blonde hair was shaved close on the sides but growing long enough for a proper man bun on top, and his medium-length beard matched the style. He was a bit taller than me and built like a refrigerator, but college had taken a bit of a toll on the both of us. We’d been together for just over two years, since the end of our senior year of high school, and he was the love of my life.
“Mmmmmm…good morning, birthday girl.” Eyes still closed, he kissed my forehead.
“Thanks, babe. Don’t forget about dinner tonight at my parents’.”
“Right…won’t forget…”
“Hey, look at me.” I climbed over to straddle his hips and playfully looked into his half-open blue-green eyes. “Dinner. Tonight. My parents’ house. Don’t forget.”
Jason grabbed my waist and pulled me into a deep, lingering kiss. He pulled away, just enough so that the tips of our noses were still touching, and smiled.
“Karilyn Nadine Norwicki, I promise I will not forget about your birthday dinner at your parents’ house at nine o’clock tonight. Now go, or you’ll be late again.”
I leaned back in for one more kiss, but I knew he was right. I groaned as I crawled back off the bed and slipped on my Birkenstocks. With one more glance in the mirror, just to make sure I looked perfect, I headed out the door into the slowly brightening sky. I hopped into the driver’s seat of my black Jeep, turned the key, and was on my way.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I pulled into the parking lot of East Kingston High School, where I was a marching band teacher, with six minutes to spare. As I sat there waiting for the song on the radio to finish, I heard a thump on the hood of my car. I looked up to see my 26 colorguard students beaming at me, beginning to sing “Happy Birthday”. I opened the door as they finished the song and rushed in to surround me with a group hug. I absolutely loved my job.
“Alright, alright,” I laughed as they started to disperse, “Y’all should be starting to stretch right now. Go!”
I heard some groans among the chatter, but they headed to their spots, all except for one.
“Hey, Miss Kari? I, uh, need to talk to you about something. Like, now. It’s really important.”
It was the team’s captain, Kaela. She was a beautiful girl, a tiny thing with mousey brown hair, bronze skin, and blue eyes. She was the typical “girl next door,” a girl who everyone wanted to be friends with, and she was happily a friend to all. She normally bounced about full of eagerness, but this morning her eyes were downcast and her plump pink lips formed a frown.
“Sure Kaela, what’s up?”
“I heard a…rumor…well, it’s more than a rumor because, well, I know it’s true…”
She glanced around, her eyes welling up with tears.
“Kaela, sweetheart, what’s going on?”
A single tear began its journey down her cheek and she sucked in a deep breath. The words came so fast, I could barely catch them all. “Kayla tried to kill herself last night. She failed…obviously…but she said she won’t fail tonight. She made me promise not to tell anyone,” the tears were rolling freely now, and she began to sob, “but she’s my best friend, Miss Kari! I can’t lose her! I didn’t know what to do, and I promised I wouldn’t tell, but you’re an adult so…” she took a steadying breath, “I just thought…I thought maybe you could help.”
I was stunned and speechless. I glanced at Kayla from across the parking lot, wishing I could peer into her thoughts. She and Kaela were an inseparable pair, always laughing and pepping the whole team up during rehearsal. Kayla was a whopping 5’1” and maybe 100 pounds soaking wet, but her spunk made her seem larger than life. She was a pretty girl with short dark brown hair, wide-rimmed glasses that covered her hazel eyes, and a smile that could ignite the sun. She was the last person who I would suspect of that kind of inner darkness. It was a few moments before I could even think of how to respond.
“Kaela…are you sure?”
“I’m positive. She just told me this morning, right before you got here.”
I took a deep breath. This was the last thing I’d expected to be dealing with today.
“I’ll talk to her and get Mr. H involved if I have to. Thank you, Kaela. You’re a good friend. If you want to take a minute to calm down, you can, then please come back to rehearsal.”
She nodded to me and turned away as I walked towards the rest of the group. They had finished stretching and were ready for their dance warm-up. I considered pulling Kayla aside right then, but she had sworn her friend to secrecy. If I tried to talk to her directly after I walked away from her best friend and confidant, she might turn away from her friend and shut down completely. Even knowing that, I was fighting to keep my composure. If she hadn’t shown up this morning, I don’t think I would have felt anything other than annoyance over attendance. Was I really that heartless? But how could I have known? My hands trembled although the morning air was pleasantly warm and I felt each beat of my heart throughout my body and into the tips of my fingers and toes. There was a growing knot in my chest and it was becoming more and more difficult to breathe normally. I’d never felt this sort of pressure and I wasn’t sure if I needed to scream or cry or throw up or all three. I didn’t know her well, and she didn’t really know me, so if I opened up with her best friend’s broken promise, I was sure that I’d lose her…possibly in more ways than one.
I started the warm-up music and did my best to pay attention, but my mind wandered. As of today, I was 20 years old, not even old enough to buy myself a drink. I was beginning my junior year of college and had taken one basic intro to psychology class, but that was about as much experience with this sort of thing as I had. I was a happy, optimistic person with a life free of trouble, other than the average stress that accompanies college life. My parents were still married and loved me, I’d done well in high school and had plenty of friends, had an amazing boyfriend, and was handling the beginnings of becoming an adult pretty damn well. The only person I’d ever known to die by suicide was a childhood friend six years ago, and I hadn’t seen him for at least five years before that. I was far too young and ill-prepared to have something like this placed on my shoulders. I had no idea what to do, but as I watched Kayla dance, my heart broke for her.
As I struggled through the remainder of rehearsal, yelling out commands but not paying full attention, I decided on what I’d do. I normally left half an hour before morning rehearsal ended to make it to class on time, but this was too important, and if I didn’t act now then I might never get the chance.
Dave Haber, the high school band director, dismissed the band from rehearsal and I jogged to catch up with Kayla, who was walking alone.
“Hey, Kayla, how are you? You seem kind of distracted.”
“Oh…hey, Miss Kari. Uh, rehearsal was fine, but I’m kind of tired. I was…up pretty late last night. Finishing homework.”
I stopped in front of her, blocking her way, and studied her face, looking for anything out of the ordinary. She looked like she always did, but there was something I hadn’t noticed before, or maybe I’d just never looked close enough. She smiled at me, but the emotion didn’t reach her eyes.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
Her eyes widened for a split second and her smile faded slightly. She probably thought I didn’t notice.
“Of course I am. I’m fine! Great, actually. Why do you ask?” she answered, her guarded eyes betraying the lightness of her tone.
“I just…well, some of your friends are worried about you, and they thought I might be able to, you know, help.” She stared at me, her small lips now in a tight line. I decided that asking her point blank might catch her off guard enough to get a reaction. “Kayla…have you ever tried to hurt yourself?”
Naked fear. That’s the closest way I could describe the flash of emotion in her eyes that she tried to hide from me as she glanced at the ground. Behind the glossy hazel of her eyes was a labyrinth of emotions, so tangled within itself that even she could not hope to find the way out.
“I don’t know what they’re talking about,” she answered tightly, “and I have to get to class. I’ll see you after school, I guess.”
I blocked her way again as she tried to slide past me.
“If you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here for you, okay?” She flinched, just slightly, as I reached up to touch her shoulder,“If you decide that you do…just get my number from Kaela.”
She nodded curtly, not meeting my eyes, and slipped through the door.
Well, that hadn’t gone well, but I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting. I waited for Mr. H to make his way up to the school behind the last straggling students. He was a tall, lanky man somewhere in his 40’s with exaggerated features that made him look like a cartoon character come to life. His demeanor was normally cheerful, but his students knew that his bad side was not where they wanted to be.
“Good morning Karilyn! The colorguard is already looking much better this year. You should be on your way to class though, right?”
“Yeah…good morning Dave. I should be, but I really need to talk to you.”
He peered down at me with an inquisitive look and motioned for me to continue.
I took a deep breath and the words began to tumble out of me. “Kaela G came up to me this morning and said that Kayla S tried to kill herself last night and that she’s gonna try it again tonight.” I paused for a moment, looking for a reaction, and then continued, “I talked to Kayla S, and she said that she was fine, but…I don’t know. Kaela G wouldn’t just make something like that up and Kayla S didn’t really seem the fine and…I don’t know what to do.”
He eyed me wearily for a moment, then closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Unfortunately, these situations are never easy. As a teacher, I can notify her counselor, but unless she actually admits it to someone…an adult…there’s just not much we can do.” He sighed and shook his head, as if he was physically trying to clear his head of unpleasant memories. I had a feeling that this was not his first time in this sort of situation. “These kids probably feel more comfortable with you since you’re, ya know, much closer to their age than I am. See if she’ll talk to you, but…Kari, just be careful. And keep me updated, please.”
The faraway look in his eyes hinted that I had been dismissed, so I thanked him and headed to my car. There was nothing else I could do now, except for wait and hope. I’d see her later for our weekly evening sectionals, but I wasn’t confident that I could get her to talk anymore without prying, which might make the whole situation worse.
After an unexpected and emotionally charged morning, I was just glad that the sun had come up.
