Preface
“Look at that person,” my friend said, pointing across the room.
“They must be going crazy.”
I looked over for a moment.
“They’re insane.”
We laughed.
For just a second…
everything felt normal.
Then she looked at me.
“Hey…”
“Can I tell you something?”
“What’s up?”
“I’ll be leaving.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have to move.”
“I’m moving to Florida.”
“Oh…”
I smiled.
“That’s exciting.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be.”
“I’ve always liked Florida.”
“You’ll love it there.”
“I hope so.”
“I hope you come visit one day.”
“I will.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
She smiled.
“My last week is next week.”
I nodded.
“Okay.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
She walked away.
I stood there for a moment…
watching her disappear into the crowd.
Then I went home.
How many times have I said goodbye?
How many times have I watched someone walk away…
while pretending that I was okay?
How many times have I smiled…
when all I wanted to do was ask them to stay?
Don’t leave.
Please…
don’t leave.
But I never said those words out loud.
Instead, I smiled.
I always smiled.
Maybe that was my problem.
Maybe people thought I was okay…
because I kept pretending to be.
After every goodbye,
I found myself asking the same question.
What did I do wrong?
I searched for answers everywhere.
Maybe I wasn’t funny enough.
Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough.
Maybe I wasn’t interesting enough.
Maybe…
I just wasn’t enough.
So I changed.
A little at first.
Then a little more.
Then so much…
that I couldn’t recognize myself anymore.
Yet no matter how many times I changed…
the ending stayed the same.
Another goodbye.
Another empty seat.
Another person becoming a memory.
I kept repeating the same cycle,
hoping that one day
the ending would finally be different.
Maybe…
that’s what insanity really is.
And this…
is where my story begins.
