Seasons of You

I lay on the couch, staring at my phone. It was already 11 p.m. This was usually the time I would call Ricco before going to bed.

Nights feel so long right now, because my heart and my thoughts all over the place. I still miss the moments we used to share together.

It had been 3 years since we broke up. I spent three years quietly loving him, and when we finally found our way to each other, we stayed together for seven years. Half of that time was spent in a long-distance relationship.

For me, Ricco is my world, my whole life, I’ve loved him for 3 years before we got in relationship for 7 years. He had been by my side through so much—through countless seasons, hardships, and moments of happiness. And yes, he was my first love.

To me, Ricco was more than just a boyfriend. He was my world, my home, and the person I imagined spending the rest of my life with. He stood beside me through countless seasons, hardships, and moments of happiness.

After all, he was my first love.

No matter how much time had passed, the sight of him still made my heart flutter in a way no one else ever could.

I remembered our first date—the date I had been brave enough to ask for myself. At the time, Ricco seemed untouchable. He was effortlessly cool with everyone, yet distant by nature. Quiet, guarded, and selective about who he allowed into his life, he rarely formed close connections with anyone, especially women. For years, despite everything we shared, he had only ever seen me as a friend.

And yet, somehow, that first date changed everything.

To this day, I can still remember the nervousness I felt upon seeing him. My heart raced, and I just went with my gut. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting that I had never acted on my feelings for him.

So I took the chance. I followed my heart, not knowing whether it would lead to happiness or heartbreak. And somehow, against all odds, it captured his heart too.

At the time, I was convinced it might be our first and last date. Still, before we parted ways, I found the courage to tell Ricco that I hoped it wouldn’t be the last.

And somehow, the relationship started from there.

Maybe it was that one bold sentence that changed Ricco’s mind about relationships—or perhaps about me. To this day, I still don’t know what made him take a chance on us.

What I do know is that after that first date, neither of us felt the need to define what we were. There was no dramatic confession, no official moment when we agreed to become a couple. We simply kept showing up for each other.

Then seven years had passed.

And somewhere during those years, the hardships of being in long distance relationship, the longing we had for separated in years and the excitement when we met at the airport. I began to want more. I wanted a future that we could build together.

I wasn’t asking for grand gestures or rushed promises. I didn’t need a timeline or a ring right away. What I wanted was simple: to know that when Ricco thought about the years ahead, he saw me in them too, somewhere in the life he was planning, there was a place for me.

Then we broke up.

I chose to let him go. The decision had not come all at once; it had been triggered by a series of events that forced me to confront a painful truth. The time had come to make a choice—not only to save the relationship, but also to save myself.

I realized that for too long, the relationship had been carried by my efforts alone. Love was supposed to be about two people moving toward the same destination, building a future together. But Ricco had never fully wanted that. He still loved me, yet he continued to doubt our relationship. He could not offer me a promise, nor could he picture a future with me in it.

In that moment, I understood that Ricco did not share the same commitment I had given so freely. While I had spent years fighting for us, he had been thinking only of himself. Our years together, the countless memories we had created, the distance we had endured, and everything we had overcome—was none of it enough to make him ask me to stay?

After everything I had sacrificed, all the waiting, all the chances I had turned away for him, I finally understood that he had never truly planned a life with me. I had always imagined that I had a place in his future, only to discover that I had been standing alone in that dream.

The realization shattered me.

As tears streamed down both our faces during our final goodbye, Ricco asked me never to come back to him. His words made everything painfully clear. He was not going to fight for me. He was not going to ask me to stay.

Even after all these years, the memory still came back to me. Sometimes, it still brought tears to my eyes.

Seven years of love, commitment, hope, and waiting ended in heartbreak. We had given each other so much, but in the end, love was not enough to keep us together. The hardest part was that we did not stop loving each other. We simply wanted different futures.

We had simply reached a point where our paths could no longer move in the same direction. And so, even with love still lingering between us, we had let each other go and left a scar to each other.

Sometimes, I was still restless and haunted by nightmares. My weight slowly began to drop, almost without me noticing. I was afraid—afraid of returning to the places we had once visited together. Every familiar street, café, or corner seemed to hold a memory of us. What had once been cherished places became reminders of what I had lost, and each visit felt like reopening a wound that had never fully healed.

I had always been a strong woman, tried so hard and given everything to make this relationship worked, but even I could not walk through this kind of hell unscathed. Deep down, I still wonder if Ricco had any idea what I have gone through just to heal from the pain and finally let him go. The sleepless nights, the tears I shed in silence, the memories I had forced myself to face—he would never know how hard I had fought to put myself back together after losing him.

For three years, I had been putting my life back together, one small step at a time. Now my life seems get brighter and free, I didn’t realize my own commitment to him is actually the one that hold me back to enjoy my life. I realized I have a lot of options and I have a lot of chance to meet anyone. But even with all that freedom, the pain never truly fades away.

As I see the luggage across the room and with a quiet sigh, I set my phone aside and force myself to close my eyes. I need to sleep. Tomorrow, I will be flying to Singapore to see Sunny, my best friend. We are going to celebrate her birthday and spend a few carefree days together.

I don’t want her to see me arrive looking exhausted, with dark circles under my eyes and the weight of another sleepless night written all over my face.

Sunny had been there through every chapter of my relationship with Ricco—the beautiful moments, the heartbreaks, and everything in between. She had listened to every tearful phone call, every doubt, and every hope I had carried for years.

She deserves to see me smiling.

So I pull the blanket over myself, close my eyes, and repeat the same promise I had been telling myself for the past three years. Everything was going to be alright. Eventually.