Chapter 1
The is always this type of love which hurts.
The type of love, where you need and deserve it. But at the same time it only hurts you and makes you a whole different person.
I'm sorry i never loved you the way you deserved it. I'm sorry I made you feelt like love needed to be quiet as a graveyard. I really didn't mean to give you this version of myself.
I pushed you away, not because I wanted to, and not because I loved to. But because I thought that was the only way. The words are still there " you will never be enough". I never wanted to show myself to the bright light, and still wear a face mask. The was a time in life, where I had it all together. But it all went away.
Because loving him was something I never wanted. But loving you was what I needed to heal from that fall. but when the universe gave me you. I couldn't hold it all together. I asked myself daily. " he is way too good" . This must be a dream, the universe must be jocking with my broken pieces. Till date, I don't know what I was thinking. When I ended everything.
I'm sorry, I didn't give you the love you deserve. To be loved and to love, is two different things. Cause he didn't just corrupt the fruit, but it affected the tree. I wish the was a way, I could be better for you.
Loving you was the plan, but loving us was not in the plan. Maybe one day, we'll look back and understand what we needed to fix. I know you will find someone better and someone more deserving. And I will be happy.
You didn't just loved me. You taught me how to love myself, the world, and my problems. You taught, me that no matter what happens, the will be a new day, with its on blessings. I spoke to God and he said you were the one. And I tried to keep you. But I couldn't, and finally let go the day before I noticed that i shouldn't let my past ruined my unknown future.
I finally let go.
Just the way a plastic makes noise when it's unwrapped. That's the same way, it felt when I tried to change what was not done, and not said.
The words were there , But the speaker was not present. Where were you, where, were we. I looked at rubby, sitting there. He wasn't just a dog, but he was a gift I kept with me. All the flowers you send, scared me, instead of making me happy. I thought to myself " no one has ever gave so much flowers ". Cause all i wanted at that point, was to love that version of myself.
I'm always the tough girl, the one who had everything figured out. But when it came and passed . I knew that something was missing. Till you came in my life and i left you. I love you, and i miss you, but my heart hurts for you.
The old little courthouse, where we sad and buried all our dreams, and wishes. The midnight dog walk, felt strange but it came with its own petals.
The was a time, i thought it would all be ok. Then the was a time i convinced myself to make it look like it was ok. But you took all of them. And you made everything felt soo good to be true. And still that was it. You were amazing, but i guess i was the missing puzzle, to fill the dream.
Empty candy bag towards granny's old yard. Dancing and singing off key, till our voice were gone. Played truth and dare, which helped us say the unspoken. All the twinkle jokes.
It's all gone,
And all I have left it rubby. The one and only rubby. So I keep rubby close, I go everywhere with him. Whenever I hug him, I feel at home. Whenever I cry, I look at him and I immediately see you. You didn't just gave me rubby, you left a big part of you in me, and now I keep him so close. People might think that rubby is just a pet. But he is my heart. I love him so much. "I've stayed single for years. Not because I stopped believing in love, but because loving Rubby became my way of holding on to the piece of you that never left." Thank you for giving me rubby. At least, if the world leaves me, rubby will never leave me. And I forgot to tell you. He.. cried yesterday, while we were watching the latest Netflix movie. He got your eyes, but has our heart. Loving rubby , is the same as loving you.
