Chapter 1
Mommy Issues
" When the next bitch kiss you,
when she..
hug you, touch you, fuck you
Maybe even love you,
You gone remember me.
You gone look for me
in every laugh and in every conversation,
You can hold her, touch her, fuck her, maybe even lie to her,
Probably gone put yo hands on her
Turn around
and Kiss it better
Tell her you love her
then do it again tomorrow.
You gone call her out her name,
compare her to yo mama,
Gaslight her
don’t forget to confuse her,
tell her how much you love her.
But you’ll never admit that you built her up
so that only you can break her down.
It makes you feel bigger when she gets so small like that.
so big and bad huh
like a thief,
You stole her smile.
I can see the evidence
as you stand over her
fists clenched.
Maybe this ain’t about me.
But I know
when the next girl loves you,
lives and breathes For you,
make her get down on her knees for you.
Please you.
Gotta make sure she’s willing to do anything for you.
Beg for you
Make sure shes ready to die for you.
Losing her mind because of you.
Fuck around and blow off her own head for you.
And you wont even remember me
Guess it was never really about me.
ain’t looking for me In the things you two do
you looking for the things that she gone
let you do.
Like maybe just push her the first time.
Next time,
Slap her.
Don’t forget to tell her how much you love her.
Say you’re sorry.
Promise her It’ll never happen again.
Wipe these tears.
Smear the blood
. “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL CRYING”
Tell me how much Im acting like yo mama.
Both so fucking weak.
All because mama ain’t spoke to you
in About a week.
This was never about me
But You gone Tell me
I’m the one whos —
“SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!
WHY THE FUCK YOU TALKING SO MUCH!!”
Now you’re hitting me.
keep telling me it’s my fault.
Don’t forget to tell me you love me
Confuse me.
Bruise me.
Turn around
and tell me
you can’t lose me.
Abuse me.
Then tell me,
I’m just like yo
momma"
-- the beginning of the end -- poems I wish Id never written about you
June 30th, 2026
9:11 pm
The other night you said something to me, you said " You wont leave" but this time you had said it differently more like it was a fact rather than the usual complaint.
You said " You wont go. No. You CANT. You're stuck here. I feel bad for you really." then you tried to fuck me.
That's crazy.
You know what else is crazy? How long we've been doing this for.
So today out of nowhere I decided that it no longer mattered who the problem was, who was at fault or who the fucking bad guy is. Regardless I was miserable with you and you were obviously miserable with me.
So today I took what I could and I left. Not that I had much left anyway. I guess that's what really did it for me. I had looked around your apartment and realized even though a majority of the stuff in it was from me or purchased by me none of it was really mine. Then I turned around and realized that I had managed to let you reduce me to two dresser drawers in the corner of your bathroom. That was everything that was truly mine. Thats it. That's all there was left of me. And it seems like that was just how you liked it.
I had become so small for you. Less than a person. It was like I had become a part of you in the worst way possible. Maybe you weren't doing it intentionally or maybe you were either way it didn't matter, the end result is still the same. How much longer would it continue? Another 10 years? I cant be that dumb. I wont be that weak.
So today I made a choice. And well, today I also became homeless. I have nothing but a small messenger bag and a suitcase that can fit about 6 pairs of jeans and three dresses. But at least I have a chance now.
I have left you before. Twice. Both times I was homeless. Both times you didn't care. Both Times we ended up back together.
I loved you desperately. And I ached to be with you. I cried every single day. But I have left you twice and that means I can do it again.
And this time
it
will
be
different.
9:59 pm
I need a job. So Im going to keep applying.. even to jobs I think I wont get. Fuck it. The worst that can happen is I embarrass myself at an interview and they say no.
I also need to come up with thirty eight dollars so I can get My Drivers License replaced. Ill figure it out somehow. I know it costs like forty five to get my Birth Certificate ordered from Arizona plus some extra to get it expedited. I'll find out how much that is. I don't know if it costs money to get your social security card replaced but Ill find that out too because I doubt its free. Nothing is free in this world except.. hate of course. I sort of have a job lined up with a fleet company hopefully they'll hold my spot.. Tomorrow Ill go to DMV and see if I can get a temporary license but also it would make sense that they would want me to have ordered a replacement in order to get one.
This is all my fault. Im not complaining or throwing a pity party just stating a fact. Its something I just kinda needed to "say out loud"
Im so disappointed in myself not gonna lie. But I dont have time to keep feeling bad for myself and doing nothing about it. Time is passing me by and nothing has changed. I cant keep doing this to myself. At the very least if my life is gonna be hard it had better be hard because jobless and homeless not because I'm hopeless and stuck in my comfort zone unwilling to change my habits and stuck on some dude who doesn't give a fuck about me.
Nah. I ain't going out like that homie.
